Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Weirdest Week of my Life, Part 2

Feb. 7, 2009

Current mood:imaginative

 This is Part 2 of this story.  Please read Part 1 before you read this, or else it won't make any sense.  Actually, it still may not make any sense.

So we finally made it to the midget's friends house in Riverhills.  I was wanting a few things, a glass of water, some food, a phone, and peace and quiet.  One thing that was really getting on my nerves was that Hobo was endlessly complaining about that splinter in his shoulder.  Luckly, they took him into the bathroom where they had a pair of tweezers to get the splinter out.  So while they were doing that, I went to get ahold of a phone, and guess what?  No phone or electricity.  But at least I got food.

This had to be the weirdest dinner I have ever been at.   Honestly, stupidity reigned supreme.  Now everyone has had their weird Thanksgiving dinners with oddball relatives, but this put all of them to shame.  The people there all looked like the people from the tavern.  Again, most of them hadn't shaved or showered in a while.  Everyone was carrying weapons, mostly made of wood, and everyone talked funny.  To make a long story short, some people thought they were dwarves, and just talked about dwarf things.  I met the old guy who sent the letter to barman, and he told me how he was glad that I had helped the Chobits (I think he said Chobits) since he couldn't, due to being held up.  I met the only girl in the place.  God what a bitch.  She was a dumpy looking goth chick who thought I should be hitting on her.  Since I didn't, it made her mad.  She was all like, "I am Irwin, we should totally hook up."  I told her that I didn't feel like catching any diseases today, and I was taking a chance just eating the food.  While there were lots of smelly fat guys there, there were also some pretty boys.  They all looked alike.  Skinny, tight pants, big ears, and they carried bows.  It was like some sort of gay club within this really weird club.  These were the kind of guys how usually got beat up repeatedly in high school.  Also, the food consisted of assorted meats and cheeses, and some saltine crackers.  I think there were some honeydew melons, but I can't be sure if it was that, or under-ripe watermelons.
So while I am trying to find a phone, or a way out of this place, everyone decides it's time for a union meeting.  For some reason, I guess everyone liked me from dinner, and decided that I should be included.  Let me tell you, so much crap went down, I could hardly sort it out myself.  But the main conversation was that they needed to destroy a ring that someone had bought at Hot Topic.  Then a lot of it was about what had happened last week.  A group of Dwarves (or Bears, not the animal, the large, hairy gay men) had not checked in.  Evil was running rampant.  Kingdoms were falling.  Then one of the semi-normal looking guys named Boryomere said that he had a dream.  I asked, "You mean like Dr. King?"  He said it was about our group, and how my Air Force survival knife makes me next in line to be King, and how Hobo (er, actually I found out his name is Phro-do) had to do something with the ring.  Also, someone let out an escaped convict.  It seems that he was some sort of Jewish monster since they kept refering to him as a Gollum.  There was also a discussion on what to do with the ring.  It was finally decided  that it was to be thrown into the Mountain of Doom.  I brought up the fact that there were no active volcanos in Florida, and that as cheap as the ring was you could just stick it in an oven, and it would melt.  It's not like it was made of any sort of precious metal.  But of course, no one listened to me.

It was decided that a group of nine would go to destroy the ring.  Four midgets (Phro-do, Samuel, Mary, and Pip,) one pretty boy (Legos,) one bear (Gimmie,) the old man (Randalf,) the normal looking guy (Boryomere,) and me.  How I got roped into this mess I'll never know.  Before we started off, someone pulled a real good prank on me.  They took my Air Force survival knife, and hammered it out until it was flat.  It kind of looked like a cross between a machete and a ping pong paddle.  So in the morning we all set out on our journey.  I figured that somewhere along the way I would be able run into someone with a phone.  So we venture along for a while.  Then arguements about which way to go break out.  Some want to go South.  Others want to go over the hill, and others want to walk through the caves.  It's decided that we should walk through the caves.  I don't know why, you can't see where you are going.  We could be headed back to where we came from.  Anyway we go into the caves (which were made by sinkholes by the way.  It's not exactly safe.)
So we start wandering through the caves.  It's actually kind of nice in that, it was cool.  However, the group seemed worried about being attacked.  By what, I haven't a clue.  Anyway, we ventured forth for quite awhile.  Then we heard noises, and started to hurry toward an exit.  It seems we were being attacked, by homeless people.  It seems that they had taken over the caves from tourists, and now lived there.  It was waterproofed and air conditioned, everything that the homeless would need.  So we were being chased, and decided to run out of there as fast as we could.  The old man was a brave one.  He was putting up a fight with them as only an old person could.  In other words, he was wacking them repeatedly with his stick while screaming at them.  Then, the homeless retreated.  We were feeling good in that, we were near the end of the caves.  However, it wasn't us they were running from.  It was... the Retard.  This huge retarded black man came out swinging and yelling.  The old man yelled at me to get the midgets to safety.  So me and Boryomere, (the normal looking guy) got everyone moving while the old man was beating the shit out of the retarded guy with a stick.  Then, just as me and Boryomere had gotten the midgets to the exit, the retard came at the old man with that crazy retard strength, and just grabbed him.  The old man then kicked the retard in the nuts, which was a mistake as the retard fell into a lower cave, and the old man fell with him, but was hanging on the edge of the hole.  He then yelled at me, "Help me you asshole!"  But then, he fell in the cave below.  I figured there wasn't much I could do to help, so I ran outside, and relayed to the group the story about how the old man was pancaked by the retard, and most likely very dead.  It kind of bumed everyone out.

So the group (now only eight) followed a river down to some woods.  It was there that we ran into .... hippies.  They lived in the trees having only what they needed.  What they didn't have was, you guessed it, a phone or regular baths.  They were a lot like the pretty boys, except they smelled a lot worse, and there were actually some women with them.  To get to the hippies place was just ridiculous.  Since they were afraid of "The Man and The Establishment," we had to be blindfolded, and lead to their treehouses, so we wouldn't know where they lived.  "It's a secret!" They kept telling us.  So we finally made it into the village of treehouses, to meet the leaders, the "Lord and Lady," as they were called.  "Lord and Lady?"  I asked.  "What are you guys, Pagan?"  All's that got me were dirty looks.  We told them the entire tale.  From the old man and the crazy strong Retard, and of our quest to find an active volcano somewhere in Florida.  Of all the weird things, the main hippy in charge, "The Lady," wasn't that bad looking.  Like a lot of hippies she perferred to walk around in the nude.  Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it just made me wonder.  Why would she shave her pussy, but not her armpits and legs?  On another note, there was something that worried me.  Legos, the pretty boy, and Gimmie, the Dwarf (or Bear) had been gone together for a little too long.  When we first started this trip, they had been arguing a lot, but now they were almost too nice to each other.  I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but there's a time and a place for everything, you know.  So that ended that day.  They were nice enough to feed us smores, and we sang songs around the campfire that night.  It was kind of like being back in Boy Scouts.
So the next morning we had a discussion about where to go next.  It was kind of important seeing as how we were lost from being blindfolded and lead into the village.  The group was having trouble deciding which way to go when The Lady suggested we take some canoes, and go down the river.  Me, I was all for it since I am a great canoer.  I taught the course at one time.  So, we all get ready to go canoing down the river.  I asked, "How will you be able to get the canoes back?"  The Lady told us, "Don't worry, they aren't really our canoes.  We liberated them from an organization that holds back womyn."  "Really?" I asked.  "Who?"  She then said, "The Girl Scouts."  One really nice thing is that, the hippies give us all a lot of old, squished Wonder Bread for our journey.  We were told, "You can squish it really tight, and fit a lot of it in your backpacks.  It's really filling, especially with acorns."  The hippies also gave us cloaks that they had made out of material they had stolen from Goodwill.  Why we needed cloaks in the summertime, I'll never know.  But, they were gifts, and everyone was really nice to them for giving them to us.  Then as the group was in the process of boarding the canoes, the Lord and Lady came to give even more gifts.  I was given a gunny sack to put my all but unusable Air Force survival knife in.  It's the thought that counts right?
So the group made off in three "liberated" canoes.  The river was very fast paced for a small river.  It made paddling easy, and we were making good time.  However, the group was feeling uneasy about approaching enemies.  Again, I just rolled my eyes.  What enemies?  Alligators?  The gators would leave us alone, if we left them alone.  We had been going downstream for a few hours, and nothing much had happened.  Since everyone was a bit tired from canoeing it was decided that it would be a good time to take a break.  So everyone was taking a break when I hear a commotion break out.  I head over to see Boryomere running towards me.  He said that he had lost Phro-do.  Phro-do had insulted Boryomere's mother, and disappeared.  Even though Boryomere was the most normal of everyone there (except me) I suspected that something was a little fishy about his whole story.  Anyway, the group decides to split up and look for Phro-do.  Durning the search, we end up losing Phro-do's favorite midget friend Samuel.  Things had started so easy, and yet, it was now it was going to be tougher than we ever thought. 

Stay tuned for Part 3.  When will it come?  Even I don't know.

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