Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Weirdest Week of My Life, Part 1

Feb. 7, 2009

Current mood:imaginative

Looking back on my life, there is one week that really stands out.  It was just completely strange.  So without further ado, here it is:

I was up hunting at Ocala a few years back.  I was scouting the woods in my Saturn SL2.  I got out to look around, and check out the woods.  When I try and start my car, it won't start.  I figure it's the alternator or battery, and there's nothing I can do about it, but start walking.  So I come upon a small tavern that has a sign of a horse above it.  It's part of a small town.  It was what you would call one of the "Wilderness Towns" that surround the Ocala National Forest.  I walk in still wearing my hunting outfit, with my backpack, knife,shotgun and pistol.  Well, the first thing I do is order some water since I am plum tired.  The bartender who was called Barliman, told me that he was happy to give me something better since I was a Ranger.  Well, I told him that I wasn't actually a Forest Ranger, so much as I was a lost hunter.  Well, he just smiled, winked, and gave me some of the most God awful stuff I had ever tasted.  It was supposed to be mead, but it was pretty rough.  Anyway, I ask him where a phone is at, so I can call AAA services.  He says, that "He doesn't know what a phone is."  Of course, I feel kind of confused by this guy.  He doesn't know what a phone is, and he keeps calling me Ranger.  So I start looking around, and see that there is no electricity in the tavern.  It's very old and rustic looking.  Not only that, but everyone is talking really odd.

So I sit in a corner since it seems that there is some sort of convention going on.  It was funny.  There were a lot of people, but no vehicles.  A few horses, and ponies, but not a single car.  A lot of people have come in, and they are all dressed kind of strange.  I was worried that I was dressed kind of strange, but all of these guys where dressed like extras from "Braveheart."  A lot of them hadn't shaved or showered in a while.  So while I am trying to get rehydrated in the corner, four midgets without shoes come in, and start making a ruckess.  The bartender introduces me to one of them.  He tells them that my name is Stryder, and that the leader of the midgets was Mr. Underhill.  I say, "Actually, my name is Adrian."  However, since they were all pretty drunk by now, they kept screwing my name up, and calling me Aaron, son of Acorn.  I tried to let them know that it was actually Adrian, and that my Dad's name was John, but the place was getting really rowdy.  So as it was getting pretty late, I was thinking about how to get my car started, and get back home.  However, it was to be a long journey before any of that would happen.  But then, I'm getting ahead of myself. 

Now at this point you have to remember, I had been up since 4 that morning.  I had crawled though the woods, and walked almost 10 miles to get to the tavern.  I had only eaten beef jerky, granola bars, and the awful mead.  So you can figure out by this time I was getting plenty tired.  To my surprise, Mr. Underhill offered me a spot in his room with his three friends/ roommates.  Since I figured it was night, I might as well sleep, and get things straightened out in the morning. 

So in the morning, the weirdness continues.  Barliman made us breakfast, and packed us food for our journey.  Yes, I said "us."  The midgets decide that I am their Forest Ranger, and that I am to lead them to Riverhills, one of the bigger towns of the region.  I ask them why they think I should lead them.  They say it's due to a letter that Barliman had handed them from some old guy.  They think that me and the old guy know each other, and that I am like their leader or something.  I try and tell them that maybe the letter is talking about someone else, but of course they don't listen.  So, against my better judgement I say, "what the heck," and we leave as a group.  I thought that it would be better that we use the old Boy Scout buddy system, and that there would be safety in numbers.  The midgets did something kind of odd.  They had armed themselves.  Not with guns, but machetes.  When they asked about my arms (my weapons, not my actual arms,) I started to tell them about my guns.  They said, "No, on your hip.  The sword Elendil."  I said, "No, that's my Air Force survival knife.  I use it to gut dead animals."  However, I don't think they understood me.

So we all start walking.  It started out as a nice day walking through the forest.  However, it became a bit damp and muddy.  Then it became hot and uncomfortable.  So we decide to stop, and take a break.  It was there that five guys on horses came up to us.  If I thought that the midgets were weird, then this guys took the cake.  They were all dressed up like the killer from the movie, "Scream."  They all jumped off their horses, and started poking Mr. Underhill with their strange wooden swords.  That's when I pulled my pistol, and shot it into the air.  Boy you should have seen them, and their horses running.  So Mr. Underhill, er Hobo as his first name was, started telling me he had a splinter in his shoulder.  You'd have thought someone was killing him the way he was acting.  I get out my first aid kit that I carry in my backpack.  The midgets are all impressed with, "my magic herbs."  Anyway, I put some Neosporin and a Band-Aid on him.  He starts saying how we have to get him to Riverhills or else he's going to die.  Talk about overreacting.  So just as I get Hobo calmed down, a pretty boy on a horse comes along.  He says his name is Goldfinger, and he wants to help.  So we put Hobo on the horse with him, and start heading East.  We were all starting to run low on fruit roll-ups, beef jerky, and granola when we finally come upon the outskirts of Riverhills.  Goldfinger tells me that he hears the enemy coming, and that we need to run.  I ask, "What do you mean?  You mean the guys in the Scream masks?"  Guess what, it was the guys in the scream masks.  So Goldfinger says to cross the river which in reality was an open sewer line.  He also says that the "Scream" guys on black horses can't cross a river (or open sewer I guess.)  So we do, and guess what?  They don't cross it.  I wasn't sure who was dumber, the riders or the horses.  It was only 2 inches of water.

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