I am forever thankful for the person who invented Caller ID. I am also thankful for the politicians who said enough is enough, and made the do not call list. I hated all the soliciters who called every waking minute. I mean, we would get at least 6 calls a day. It was getting out of hand.
So before the do not call list, the rules of telephone warfare were much different. I figured if they thought they had the right to harass me, then I had the right to harass them back.
I once told a telemarketer, and I quote, "Oh my God! An alligator is eating my dog!" And then I hung up on her. Of course she was screaming right after I said that.
I once pretended to be an old man to one soliciter. I let her go through her entire talk, and then told her (as an old man.) "I have no money. I have no children. I'm so lonely. Please, please don't hang up on me. I need someone to talk to. I'm so lonely." She was in tears as she hung up on me.
In fact, one of my favorite pasttimes was to see if I could get a telemarketer to hang up on me. You see, I knew from a friend that worked as a telemarketer that they were to keep the customer on the line any way possible, for as long as possible. So I would keep them on the line, and start blabbering about anyone and anything that was completely out of wack.
Oh, I had one trying to sell studio portraits for Alan Mills Photography. I told her that it was my religious belief that if she took my picture then she would take my soul. She then, without batting an eye asked, "Oh, which religion is that?" I think she had run into other smartasses before.
I once had a militant black guy call and demand (and I mean demand) to "speak to the man of the house!" I then yelled (and I mean yelled) "I AM THE MAN!!!!!" He then said, "No, I want to speak to the man of house!" Which I then yelled back at him, "I AM THE MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He then promply hung up on me.
One time I didn't even want to deal with the telemarketer so I started talking like an old Spanish maid. And I do an exceptional old Spanish maid voice. "Hello, is Mr. Adrian there?" I responded, "No Senior." The guy then asked, "Can I leave a message for him?" "No habla Inglash." I said in my best old Spanish maid. He then promply gave up.
But my best exchange with a telemarketer needs a little background info. Right now this info may not make sense, but as you read our exchange it will become apparent. Ray Perkins was the Head Coach of my beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers from 1987-1990. He was a terrible coach while here in Tampa. He drafted badly. The plays were so dull and unimaginitive that the fans in the stands knew the offensive plays before they were run, just by the formation we were in. After he was fired a lot of stuff came out that us fans didn't know about him. He was a terrible human being, and a terrible coach. He was easily the second worst coach the Bucs ever had.
So this is the famous exchange between Adrian and the Telemarketer.
(Ring Ring)
Adrian "Hello?"
Telemarketer "Hi there, my name is Ray Perkins, and...."
Adrian "RAY PERKINS, YOU WERE THE WORST COACH THE BUCCANEERS EVER HAD, AH, AH, AH!!!!!"
(Adrian hangs up, and walks away satisfied.)
(Ring, Ring from the same number)
Adrian (AH RAY PERKINS, YOU DESTROYED THEM FOR YEARS AFTERWORD!!!!)
(Adrian hangs up, and was surprised at how brave that Ray Perkins guy was.)
(Ring, Ring. Same number)
Adrian "AND THE OFFENSIVE LINE ALWAYS SUCKED!!!!"
(Adrian hangs up again, and five seconds later you guessed it, ring, ring.)
Adrian "AND WE ALL KNEW WHAT PLAYS WHERE COMING!!!!!"
(Adrian then hangs up, and wonders how brave this guy really is? Ring, ring)
Adrian "YOU ARE AN EVIL MAN RAY PERKINS!!!!!"
(Adrian then thinks up a quick plan. Ring, ring.)
(Adrian picks up and says nothing.)
Ray Perkins "..... (Waits five seconds) Mr. (Adrian) I'm with (so and so), and I am calling about (so and so) magazine."
Adrian "Ah, you are a brave man Ray Perkins. You destroyed my Tampa Bay Buccaneers."
Ray Perkins "No sir, I am not that Ray Perkins. I had nothing to do with your football team.
Adrian "Very clever Ray Perkins. Disguising yourself as such."
Ray Perkins "Sir, I am calling about (so and so) magazine, and I see that your subscription is ready to run out, and ..."
Adrian "Are you telepathicially reading my mind Ray Perkins?
Ray Perkins (very frustrated by this point) "Yes. Yes, I am reading your mind."
Adrian (GET OUT OF MY HEAD RAY PERKINS!!!!!!!)
(Adrian hangs up and waits. There is no call back this time.)
Carolan Long Adrian, this can only be outdone by what you did to your mom on Mother's day. When I asked if that was a snake's head sticking up about 10 yards out from the back porch, you made a mad run at it and then did a swan dive onto it. My heart stopped and I could not even utter a scream. Then you stood up holding a stick, I did not know whether to laugh or cry.
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