Sunday, February 27, 2011

Now That I Actually Have a Girlfriend, There Are a Few Things I Should Probably Let Her Know.

Feb. 12, 2009

Some of the best relationship advice I've ever heard came from Carla on Scrubs.  She told Elliot that the key to a good relationship was, "hiding the crazy."  So I've done pretty well at letting the crazy loose in small doses, but over time there are a few things that I should probably let my girlfriend know.

When I was in ninth grade, I beat a kid up because he repeatedly said that, "The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles suck."
I once bit a kid in his stomach fat.  No one really liked him, and everyone thought it was funny.  Really funny.
I once bit a ferret.  But in all fairness it bit me first.
I once bit a rabbit.  Ok, I have no excuse for that one.  I think I really have a problem. 
I joke about it, but I really do want to hit a man with a fish.  I have my heart set on using a largemouth bass. 
My dear and sweet Grandmother who is the best Grandma in the world was once charged with attempted murder for beating the crap out of a woman.  Genetically speaking, I get my temper from her.
When I was a kid there was a neighbor who treated all of us kids in the neighborhood badly.  He even threatened to kick my friend's ass.  So, in retaliation, me and another friend stuck oranges up his van's tailpipe.  We also sprayed Pam cooking spray on his van's doorhandles.  We also threw his own oranges at his house.  Anyway, his adult son came over and talked to my Dad.  He asked him to have us stop because the old man was having heart palpatations.
I have to admit.  I love pulling pranks.  I will probably continue to pull insane pranks as long as I am alive. 
I am full of tons of useless information.  Especially pop culture info.
I find Tom Green funny.
I want to have a giant hog's head mounted on the wall.  I know it's ugly, and completely unattractive, but I want one up there.  Especially if it has giant tusks.
It's probably best that my girlfriend never sees me watching football.  I am a total animal.
Oh, here's some more about my family.  It turns out that my Grandmother and Grandfather from West Virginia are in fact related to each other.  They are distant cousins.
I once pulled a gun on an intruder in my house.  I woke up in the morning as usual, and heard noises.  My Mom and Dad were at work.  My sister was in Philly.  So it had to be someone who had broke into the house.  I end up stalking through the house just as I had learned in Solider of Fortune magazine.  I see movement out of the corner of my eye.  I turn quickly, and point my gun at the perp yelling, "Freeze Motherfucker!!!!"  It was my Mom.  She decided to take a personal day.  Yes, I pulled a gun on my own Mother.
I own a pair of shoes that are only six years older than my girlfriend. 
I do love to eat, but there are some foods that I can't stand.  Sweet potatoes make me vomit.  Meatloaf just tastes wrong.  I absolutely hate pork and beans. 
I once duct taped a kid to bench at Boy Scout camp.  I didn't get kicked out for that.  I got kicked out because I refused to apologize to him for it.
I really was serious when I said that I had shot squirrels (with my shotgun) out of my birdfeeder.
I was also serious when I said that I had shot a pair of mallards out of my backyard as well.  Again, I think I have a problem.
I have the craziest dreams/ nightmares.  I always have, I probably always will.
I think Dr. Hunter S. Thompson was one of the greatest minds of our time. 
I used to have psychic ablitity, but lost it as I grew older. 
I used to have fun messing with telemarketers.  Now, I only get to mess with the non-profit telemarketers.  Here's some different lies I have told.  1.  I was of the religion that believed that cameras could steal your soul.  2.  An alligator was eating my dog.  3.  I was an old man who was very lonely, and only wanted someone to talk to.  4.  I was an elderly Spanish woman who couldn't speak English.  5.  I was a deranged hippie who didn't like, "The Man."  6.  I was an exsentinal philosopher who talked about life, the universe, and everything.  Everything that is, except what the telemarketer was trying to sell. 
There is some music I listen to that most people don't like.  For instance, I am a G.G. Allin fan.  I have bootleg videos of his performances.
For reasons that is even beyond me, I really like Ashley Simpon's song, "La, La."  I'm so embarrassed.
It really bothers me that my girlfriend talks to my sister.  Nothing good can come of it.  I just see very bad things.  Very... Bad.... Things.
I actually liked the XFL.  I didn't think it was as bad as everyone thought it was. 
I think some of the best commericals on TV are fishing/ outdoor commericals.  I think they are brilliant. 
Sometimes I am accidentally racist.
One time, I had to kick my own Grandma out of the kitchen.  Afterall, I am the head chef, and no one sasses the head chef.  (Note: it was my not so nice Grandma, not the really nice one.)
Ok, that's all I can think of today.  Maybe I'll add to this list once I think of some other things.

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