Sunday, February 27, 2011

Coming Clean

Sept 28, 2009

It has become apparent that I can not be trusted.  No really, it's true.  So in an effort to be more Boy Scout-like, more trustworthy if you will I am coming clean.  Yes, everything that I have ever lied about I will now tell the truth.

When I was between the ages of 3-10 and my teachers made me say I'm sorry, well I was not one damn bit sorry.  Those asshole classmates of mine deserved what they got, and even they know it. 

When I was in High School, I said that I found some guy's head and arm in my garbage can.  The truth was there were no dead human parts in my garbage cans.  Now, there were a few ducks, squirrels, and lots of fish.

When I was 14 I accidently broke that crappy 10 gallon fishtank outside.  I was playing golf with my knunchucks.  I was aiming at a ball, and accidentally hit the fishtank.

To my friend Russ, I know you know this, but I ate your french fries.

To Dad, that time where I jumped up, and ran across the room, I was only messing around.  I didn't really hear the phone ring.  Why the phone rang 2 seconds after I did that I'll never know.  Your hearing is just fine. 

To Stacy, I never did believe you were a lebsian.  Although, it did provide me with endless lebsian jokes. 

To Lynn Carol, I really didn't think it was a birth experience, I was thinking something else that was completely devious.

Also to Lynn Carol and Ginny, I said I would lay off the jokes about Hannah, but damn'it she made it way too easy.

To Jessica, I secretly like your Mom's cat.  I just think he should be more playful.  He's not a paper butterfly, it's ok to play with him.

To Rhonda, actually I'm not Christian.  You just made that assumption.

To all those customers who bought fish from me, 70% of you shouldn't own fish, pets, or children.  You are too dumb to have any of them.

To the Spanish people who bought that hamster, and then came back an hour later because it was dead, you should not be able to own any living thing, plant or animal.  I didn't say a thing, but you think that after you had it for what, 30 minutes and it didn't survive what chance do you think the next one had?

To all those early morning vultures who try to Jew me down when I'm still trying to set my yard sale, no I am not happy to see you.  I am not happy to work with you on the price. 

To my former boss at Guitar Center, the customer is not always right.  In fact, most of the time they don't know what the hell they are talking about.

To Charles, you really are a dumbass for starting smoking cigerettes at 19.  I honestly didn't think it was a passing phase, it was you giving in to stupid ass peer pressure from other dumb ass musicians.

To Mr. Brashser, I honestly didn't know what the hell you were talking about most the time.  Oh, and your son freely admitted that he hated you.

I'm sorry America, but in 94-95 I honestly didn't think that O.J. did it.  After the second trial that had additional evidence I changed my mind.

To the guy I bought the Martin guitar from at Greenshift, I'm sorry, but business is business.  All you had to do was go on the internet, and see how much it was worth.  It's not my fault you took $100 for a $1000 guitar.

To John my hunting buddy, I have never believed for one second that you have ever "heard" a deer, and not seen it.  This may not be a surprise to you as I regularly roll my eyes whenever you say it. 

To my Grandmother Betty, I have been told not to specifically lie, but to soften up the story so that you don't have a heart attack.  So I can't come clean on too much because you will worry, and then pass out or have a heart attack.

To Fender Musicial Instrument Corp., your products are overpriced and overrated.

To Elissa, I'm sorry, but I don't believe 85% of the "Magickal" things you believe.  I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.  However, I'm coming clean, and just because some idiot writes it in a book, calls themselves an author doesn't make what they are saying true.  Also Elissa, that Fung Shway thing you love so much is really an excuse for designers to make money.  We all know this. 

To Melissa at King High, I'm sorry for telling all the girls in orchestra that you had a raging crush on me.  That was wrong of me.  It was funny as hell, but it was wrong.

To the kids I didn't know at Flaming Arrow Scout Reservation, I'm sorry I threatened to duct tape you all.  It was wrong.  Again, it was funny as hell, but it was wrong.

Even though I have told you this many times, I am sorry Mom, it was not a snake. 
Also Mom, I didn't think you would run screaming from the store when I put Cindy the Red-tailed Boa Constrictor on my head.  She was a very sweet snake.

To Dad, I know you think I am joking, but I really plan on cutting down that Queen Palm tree when you die.  I despise that thing. 

To Miss Ross (Now Mrs. Lynch)  I had some real misplaced anger as a middle schooler.  That enviroment was not good for anyone.  I treated you very wrong.

To Pete Rose, I believed you.  I honestly believed you until you came out, and said, "Guess what I did gamble on baseball, and you can read it all in my book.  It's only $24.95, and avalible at bookstores everywhere."  You let me down, and I just don't know about you anymore.

Mr. Camp, I am sorry.  I was the one who made those prank phone calls that involved snarling animal noises.  You knew, but I am coming clean.

Miss Charolette, I don't know why you even worked with kids.  You are probably dead by now, and that is a good thing.  I thought you had evolved from cockroaches you were so ugly.  I have never met a more truly ugly human being.

To my dental hygenist, actually I don't manually masterbate animals for artifically insemination purposes.  I was out of work, and needed to tell you something.

To many people, I have never participated in a "Pants Off, Dance Off."

To many musicians, even though I was "technically" in a band called "Sanatation Incorporation" we never played anywhere.

To the guy who replaced my windshield, I'm sorry but you know why I had to lie to you.  It's all about the insurance baby.

To many people, I do not have "American Indian" blood in me. 

To all the phone solicitors, well.... don't believe anything I said.  It was all a lie.  I don't work for the Post Office.  I don't have a dog being eaten by an alligator.  I am not Spanish.  I am not Amish.  I am not of the religion that believes that photographs will steal my soul.  I am not a Republican.  I am not John.  I am not Carolan.  I am not an NRA member.  I am not a homeowner.  I am not a housewife.  I am not the Spanish maid.  Most of all.... I am not interested in anything you are selling.

To all my classmates in 9th grade, I am not psyhic, I'm just really crafty.  I also had a trick deck of cards. 

I never raped a man in a wheelchair, it just sounds so offensive, I just had to see the look on people's faces when I said it.

To all the strippers in Miami, I didn't think you danced well enough to earn my dollar. 

I don't have post tramatic stress disorder from the war.  In fact, I was never in the war.

No one ever told me that I would make a good fashion designer.  I thought I could be but I just wasn't gay.

Ok that's all I can write for now.  I will add more when I think of things, and have the time to write.

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