Adrian Fakes a Spirtual Experience, Part 1.

Feb. 23, 2009

Current mood:evil

Note!  Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

So my inner sense of humor got the best of me.  I used my powers of great acting and inner deviousness to fake a spiritual experience.  It's kind of a long story, so I will tell it in two parts.

  If you see my stats on my main myspace page you will see that I am Wiccan/ Pagan.  I do belong to a Circle (it's pretty much the same as a Coven, just a different name.)  So we get together at full moons, and do different types of Pagan activites.  This last time we got together for the new moon due to a death in the family of one of our members. 

So, my sillyness started when we began a new activity.  The Circle leader Linda (again, name changed to protect the innocent) loves to do a guided meditation.  She always has, and she always will.  For those who don't know what a guided meditation is, I'll explain.  First off, the group sits comfortably in their chairs.  Then, some music is usually playing on the CD player.  In this case, it was American Indian drumming.  Then someone (in this case Linda) talks out loud to the group, and guides you into a magical trance.  She is good in that, she doesn't tell you where to go, she just guides you, and then you let your imagination take you where you want to go.

Now, you have to realize that some Pagans/ Metaphysical believers take this type of activity very, very seriously.  They believe what they see is absolute truth, or very close to it.  However, I believe it's something else.  I believe it's more of a self fullfilling prophesy.  It's like the saying, "The man who says he can, and the man who says he can't, are both right."  For instance, if someone goes into a trance/ state, and says they keep seeing themselves owning a new dog, and then a few months later, they have a dog, is it mystical?  No, it's a self fullfilling prophesy.  There's nothing metaphysical about it.  I may be Pagan, but I'm not stupid.  I've never believed that meditation will make you pyschic.  Let's be honest.  That's what a lot of pagans believe.  That everyone, (and I mean everyone) can go into a mediative state, and suddenly become pyschic.  And not just pyschic, very psychic.  I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that. 

So, while my beliefs (or non-beliefs) about mediation are my own, I don't want to push my non-beliefs on anyone.  If the group wants to meditate, I'm not going to get up and leave.  I have mentioned before my feelings on the subject to Linda and the group, so there's no point in me bringing everyone else down, and acting like a jerk.  However, it doesn't mean I can't have a little bit of fun with it.  I am a smart ass after all.

So, here's what the plan was.  Linda would do our guided meditation, then we would draw a picture of our experience, and then we would share our story.  Since I knew this, I devised a bit of a plan.  I would go along with the guided meditation, draw an elaborate picture of my journey, and then tell an amazing story about my journey.  So you ask, "What did you do that was so bad?"  Well, the journey that I took was inside my girlfriend's pussy.  That's right.  Inside her pussy.  However, I disguised/ magically interprited my journey, so that, some suspected that I was fucking with them, and others thought it was beautiful.

So here's the story that I told.  I woke up in the woods, and I could hear the drums of the American Indians.  An Indian came up to me, and told me I was to take a journey so that I would know what was really important to me.  I would find out a message that would tell me of important events that would be happening to me in the future.  I told him I was scared.  He said not to worry, that my animal guide would be with me along my journey.  It was then that my former pet dragon Bruce came to me in spirit form (she passed away in 2004.)  She is/ was an Austrailian Bearded Dragon, but in her spirit form, she now had wings.  I was happy to see her, and felt much better now that she would be with me. 

The Indian led me to two trees that had grown into the side of a mountain.  He said that the magic cave was in-between them, and I had to make it into the back of the cave.  So I go up to the trees.  They were growing very close together, and I had trouble squeezing through them.  However, I managed to make my way through the trees, and was at the entrance to the cave. 

The cave was covered in beautiful Pink Quartz Crystal.  The whole cavern was pink.  It had a very heathy glow.  However, the cave was very dark and moist.  It was hard to breath since it was so moist.  I looked at the cave, and could see the beginning of the cave, but I couldn't see the path of where to go.  I asked Bruce where the path was?  She said it was there, I just had to open the cave.  I then put my hands on the a giant pink quartz crystal that was hanging from the top of the cave.  I asked Bruce what should I do, and she said that love was the answer.  I then concentrated all my reikei healing power on the crystal, and started to move my hands back and forth.  As I moved my hands back and forth all over the crystal, the cave started to shake.  It was then that I noticed a path opening up.  I quickly jumped into the hole that had opened, and made my way further into the cave.
It was even more moist, and wet in this part of the cave.  It was even harder to breath here.  To move even further into the cave I started scratching the large crystals hanging from the top of the cave, while rubbing a protrusion that was sticking out of the wall.  I then consentrated on the protrusion that was sticking out from the wall.  I rubbed it in a circular motion, and the cave then started to shake even more. 

It was there that I thought I had reached the end of the cave.  However, as I kept rubbing two paths opened up.  One to the left, and one to the right.  I asked Bruce which path was the right path?  She asked, "What does your heart tell you?"  I said, "Both of them are correct."  She said, "Yes, they both are."  So I took the right hand path.  I reached a small round cave when I received a message.  I never even had a chance to ask a question.  The answer was given to me.  The answer was.... Life. 

I then when back to the cave with the protrusion.  I started rubbing it vigorously in a circular manner.  It was so hard to breath.  Water was everywhere, and the cave was shaking.  I was standing in one foot of water working as hard as I could to rub the protrusion.  Then it came.  A rush of water blew through the cave blowing everything wide open.  I was carried by the water, and thrown back on the ground outside the cave.  My journey had ended, and I now had my answer.
So the question is, did anybody believe it?  Well, Linda's husband Jorge' made an angry comment halfway through my story.  I'm not sure what he said.  I just kept going with my story.  It's hard to pull anything pass him.  However, he didn't say anything the rest of the night about it.  Georgia, who I have always liked, and gotten along with was looking at me with two looks.  The first one was a "are you serious?" look, and the second one was a "are you on crack?" look.  However, she never said anything out loud.  Her daughter Montana never caught on.  Ally, who I had never met before, didn't think anything of my story.  However, she doesn't know me and my silly ways that well.  Then there was Linda.  She bought it hook, line, and sinker.  She was so happy that I had such a powerful and moving experience.  She thought the gushing of water was the spirits way of telling me of a birth or birth type experience.  She was so happy for me. 

Then there was my girlfriend, Roxy (absolutely, not her real name.)  When we went to put our stuff in her car she asked me about my mediation, and what I thought the experience meant to me.  I started snickering, and asked her what the picture I drew of my experience looked like to her.  She said it looked like a robot.  I said, it's actually supposed to be your pussy.  She then went through the five stages/ emotions of grief.  1.  Denial.  No she said.  There was too much detail.  2.  Anger.  Adrian, you are going to Pagan Hell.  3.  Bargaining.  That had to have some truth to it.  4.  Depression.  How could you let all our friends believe you had such an amazing spiritual change for the better?  You've ruined a very moving experience for them.  5.  Acceptance.  Adrian you are a blockhead.

However, the anger came back.  As she drove us home I endured a 10 minute chewing out from her.  All of this will be covered in Part 2 where I will hopefully have her imput on my behavior.