Monday, February 28, 2011

Adrian Annoys Satanists Like He Does Everyone Else

Jan 10, 2010

The following absolutely never happened.  Do not believe anything that is written.  It is merely Adrian’s need for ridiculous storytelling and need for attention.
So I was bored one day and browsing the web when something funny struck me.  I had nothing to do that night, and needed to find something to cure my boredom.  I put Tampa meet-up in the search engine, and low and behold what should pop up but a meeting for a satanic group meet-up.  This was perfect.  There was just so much that I had to know.
The meet-up was being held that night at the local Jamba Juice.  I went, not knowing what to expect.  Boy was I happy I went.  It looked like the rejects from, well just rejects.  The group leader was called Kain.  I don’t know what his real name was.  He was an older guy with long, thinning hair and dressing in complete black.  He was just plain creepy and slightly full of himself.
So I started asking him a few questions about Satanism.  “First, what is it that you actually believe?” 
With a glaring look in his eye he said, “We believe in the Bible, but we believe that we have the ability to be more than God.” 
“Um, doesn’t that just make you all a bunch that is just really mad at their Dad?  Like, I don’t like you, and your rules.  So I am going to hang out at the mall?”
He just kind of glared at me some more.  I’m guessing he thought that I was some sort of pain in the ass because he turned me over to his assistant.  His assistant, for lack of a better word, was an eighteen year old named Kaleb.  Although he looked like he was fourteen, and he was really into arguing with me.  I really liked him for that.

He started off, standing a bit too close to me if you know what I mean.  He said, “Hey man, God hates us all.  We can do whatever we want.”
“So you just stole your first line from a Slayer song, and the next one from every Maury episode.”
That kind of upset him.  “You don’t know man.  I’ve seen things.  I have true power.  Hail Satan!”
That’s when the bunch around him also yelled, “Hail Satan!”
I just kind of looked at him and asked, “So when do we turn up the ..Danzig.., and start the de-flowering?”
“Oh, nevermind.  Say, what is the purpose of this get-together?  I mean, isn’t this kind of like hermits unite?” 
He moved just a little bit closer and said, “We need to band together.  Together our powers can not be stopped.  Not by any church or authority.”
“Yeah about that.  Isn’t this more like daddy issues anonymous?  I mean, look at that chick.  She looks like a he, trying to look like a she.  She, I think it’s a she, she could just be really fat, has more make-up on than Tammy Faye Baker.  She has more holes in her body than she was born with, and not just a few.  And she also looks as white as a ghost, is she a diabetic?  Since we are at Jamba Juice should I get her an orange smoothie?  I don’t want her going into diabetic shock.”

Kaleb didn’t exactly know what to say to that.  “Dude!  Raven is a girl.  Don’t be a dick.  She’s just expressing herself the way she wants to.  She’s not bending herself to society or God’s laws.”
“Well she could have started with a better tattoo artist.  Is that a skull or the flying spaghetti monster?  And why is everything upside down?”
Kaleb was clearly getting frustrated.  “What do you mean upside down?”
“Well, everyone’s necklaces for starters.  Those wearing crosses have them upside down, and those wearing stars have them upside down.”
“Dude, we wear the pentagram to show our allegance to Satan.  Hail Satan!”
The rest yell, “Hail Satan!” in the background.
“We wear upside down crosses to show we won’t bow down to the false God.”
I thought about it, and asked this, “So you think God is false, but you believe in Satan?  But isn’t that a paradox?  I mean, the whole Satan thing came from the bible which started with God, but if you don’t believe in God, then how can you believe in Satan?”
“What’s a paradox?”
I just kind of smiled, “It’s one of those things they deal with on every other episode of Star Trek.”
Kaleb then gave me a surprising response.  “Fuck Star Trek!  Star Wars is so much better.”

I just kind of smiled.  “Ok, ok.  Let me just kind of get the dynamic of this group.  I see the old guy, Kain right?  I see the damaged girl with daddy issues.  Then I see a bunch of D and D types.  Is this a get-together so you all can smoke cigarettes out in the parking lot so no one can bother you?”
Kaleb just said, “What?”
“So really, what is your favorite Danzig album?”
Kaleb was clearly getting more upset.  “I don’t’ listen to that crap.  I listen to Slayer.”
“But everyone else listens to Danzig right?  The chicks and the guys who look like chicks listen to them right?”
Kaleb had had enough.  “What did you come here for?  All’s you’ve done is talk shit, and be a dick.”
“Well, I was bored originally.  But then, I really wanted a chocolate peanut butter smoothie with sprinkles.  But then I felt a higher calling.  I wanted to help you Kaleb.  I wanted to help you avoid getting de-flowered by that old bastard.  At first I thought he was in it for the chicks, but now I’m not so sure.  The more I hang around here, the more I think he’s going to try and put something very uncomfortable inside you.”
At first I thought Kaleb might actually take a swing at me.  But then, the weirdest thing happened.  He just kind of looked at me.  He didn’t say anything, for like thirty seconds. 
“That’s it!”  I yelled.  “He took your buh-hymen didn’t he?”

And that’s when Kaleb ran away crying.
That’s when Kain ran up with anger flashing.  “Be gone from this place!  I shall surely curse you if you do not leave at once!”
“Does this curse have anything to do with putting things up my butt?”
That’s when one of the Jamba Juice employees came up and said, “Can you guys keep it down?  Some customers are starting to complain.”
I turned to him and said, “Darn right they are.  There’s illegal sodomy going on, and that’s just not right.”
Silence.  From everyone. 
“Yeah, I’m going to go.  I hear there’s a “womyn born womyn” only meeting at Starbucks.  I want to sit in on it.  Hail Satan!” I yelled.
Just by instinct some of the group yelled, “Hail Satan!”
That’s when the manager turned the corner, and yelled, “Ok that’s it!  I’ve had enough of you weirdos.  Get out!”
As we all walked out to the parking lot, I yelled at Kaleb, “Don’t get in his van Kaleb!”
Wouldn’t you know it?  Kain actually owned a van.  Yeah, that was one creepy fucker.

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