How a Few Jackholes Ruined Halloween For My Entire Childhood

October is my favorite time of year.  I love it.  It's the time in Florida where it goes from 95 degrees to a more manageable 82 degrees.  It's the only time of the year that the humidity drops under 50%.  And of course there is candy.  So much candy.  Thank you Halloween!

Let's be honest, next to Christmas, Halloween is just the best holiday for kids.  You get free candy from all the people in the neighborhood.  To this day, Halloween is my favorite holiday.  I just absolutely love it. 

However, Halloween was ruined during my entire childhood due to a few jackholes.  Let me start with this.  I was born in 1976.  So I was in first grade in 1982.  So let me set up a few things that were happening in the 80's.  People were very concerned for the children.  It was all about the children.  Looking back, I don't know what is worse.  People overly concerned with children like they were back then, or how they let them run like feral dogs these days.  But I digress.

Stay at home Moms were concerned for the children.  First off there was heavy metal music.

And then there was Satanists.  (Really, it seemed to be a big thing in the 80's.)

On a side note, I've never come across a Satanist.  Not in the 80's, not now.  But for some reason, everyone was sure they were hanging around in the 80's.

But worse of all were the heavy metal Satanists.

But the absolutely the worst thing out there was jackholes putting needles and pins in candy.  Now, this legend had been around since the 60's.  The rumors were that people put poison in candy, however, no one actually knew anyone that happened to.  Even the news couldn't find anyone.  But the new thing was that evil, morally corrupt persons were putting needles and pins in candy. 

Again, it was mostly urban legend, until 1982.  You know what happened then?  Some murderer (and yes I use that word) laced a bunch of aspirin with poison and killed a bunch of people.  If you ever wondered why medicine has all those seals now you know why. 

Here's the Wiki page on it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicago_Tylenol_murders

So let's set the stage.  Some waste of a human being poisons people in 1982.  Come Halloween 1982, and the fury of people worrying about people poisoning kids candy is full on crazy mode.

This is a true story.  I was in first grade, and my grade school teacher asks my class why you should have your parents look over your candy when you get it home.  I was the first (and I think only) one to raise my hand, and smartly answer that it was because crazy people were putting needles and razor blades in candy.  You know what happened.  The entire class laughed at me.  (True.  So true.)  I started to cry.  You know how it feels in first grade to have your entire class laugh at you? 

However, my teacher Mrs. Scott was a strong black woman.  That's the short way to say she didn't take no crap and was kind of a bitch to us most the time.  She immediately shut the class up, and told them in no uncertain terms that what I said was true.  And how would they like to bite down on needles and razor blades?  Basically she jumped all over them, and told them that they were going to have to get serious about checking their candy or risk dying.  That really did shut them up.

So you can now see how that sets the stage for trick or treating in the 80's.  My parents did what they thought was the responsible thing.  For me there was no costume.  There was no trick or treating.  There was no candy.  That's right.  I was not allowed to go trick or treating.  And we're not talking about just one year.  We're talking about every year except for one. 

And that one year I went to three houses.  My little old lady neighbor on the left.  My little old lady neighbor on the right.  And my babysitter.  That was it.  No other houses.  And you know what my Mom did when I got home?  That's right.  She went through all my candy.  All nine pieces.  And the funny thing, she found one Mini-Crunch bar that had a corner kind of torn, and she threw that out.  (Really, I can't make this stuff up.)

Other than that one Halloween, I never went trick or treating.  At the house, we gave out plenty of candy.  Lot's of people knew our family, and our house was on the main drag so people knew we were good folks to get candy from.   It really made me angry.  Here we gave out a bunch of candy to all these kids, a lot of them I went to school with, but I couldn't go get candy.  Year after year after dismal year this happened.

Now years later, and also thanks to Snopes, we know that most of this was urban legend and old wives tales.  Seriously, kids these days have the internet and have no idea about old wives tales.  But when I was a kid I'm sure they took up at least 15% of my day.  In all fairness I did have women teachers through grade school. 

Basically, it took urban legends combined with old wives tales, with just one or two "real" cases plus that jackhole who poisoned the Tylenol bottles to ruin Halloween for my entire childhood.  I realize every parent does the best they can.  My parents just didn't want to take the chance of me getting hurt.  I can't fault them with that.  I just lay the fault with the previous named jackholes. 

You'd think that would have ruined me for Halloween.  I mean, just by writing this post you can see just how bitter I still am over what happened during my childhood.  But no.  It is still my favorite holiday.  But still, the inner kid in my still wants to go trick or treating.

Editor's Note:  For those of you who think I am taking "artistic license" with this, take a read of this Snopes article. 

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/mayhem/needles.asp

I Have Lost My Writing Edge

I have lost my writing edge.  It's true.  Where I was once pushing the envelope like Hunter S. Thompson, I now write about boring things like acquiring wood, and various projects.  One of the reasons I started this blog was to tell all the stories I had in my head.  There were things I liked to tell people, so I thought I should put them on paper.  And so I did.  Unfortunately, I think I ran out of stories. 

Another thing that happened was that more and more adults joined Facebook, and started to notice things I posted.  So I had to start censoring myself.  And I started doing it more and more.  Until one day, I started to notice that I was missing what made me funny, hence, my edge.

Here's a few examples of what I'm talking about.

I once wrote a blog, and my sister's comment about it was:  "Please God, don't let Mom ever read this."  You have to be pretty edgy to write something like that. 
"The Secret of Meatloaf."
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2011/02/secret-of-meatloaf.html

Speaking of over the top, I could never write a blog nowadays about getting drunk, shitting on a neighbor's doorstep, and using a stray cat to wipe.  But I once did.
"Late Night Drunken Luthiery."
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2011/02/late-night-drunken-luthiery.html

I just don't have the Adrian humor that I used to.  Here's a good example of it.
"The Headbanger and the Bob."
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2011/12/headbanger-and-bob.html

Then there was my writing that I did when I was really angry.  When my former girlfriend unfriended me on both Myspace and Facebook on my birthday, I just cut loose.
"The Only Difference Between A Break-up And Getting Dumped Is Press Coverage"
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2011/02/only-difference-between-break-up-and.html

I used to be at least a decent enough writer that if I ran out of ideas I would just make shit up.
"Adrian Annoys Satanists Like He Does Everyone Else"
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2011/02/adrian-annoys-satanists-like-he-does.html

I think the best Adrian blogs are when you don't know if I am being serious or not.  I mean, if what I write makes you worried that you may be handling my asspennies, then I have done my job.
Asspennies From Heaven - An Inspirational Tale
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2011/02/asspennies-from-heaven-inspirational.html

Sometimes I could be a bit too honest about myself.  Again, it made for an uncomfortable, yet funny blog.
"Coming Clean."
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2011/02/coming-clean.html

Sometimes my stories were way too true about how I enjoyed thrusting my sense of humor on other people.
"Ray Perkins."
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2011/02/ray-perkins.html

Not even my relatives were safe from my pranks.
"Sabotage! With Fish!"
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2011/02/sabotage-with-fish.html

My Pagan/Wicca people where definitely not safe from me.
"The Blue Tent"
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2011/02/blue-tent.html

And then there was my greatest writing, about my greatest prank, that will never be topped.
"Adrian Fakes a Spirtual Experience, Part 1."
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2011/02/adrian-fakes-spirtual-experience-part-1.html

Part 2.
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2011/02/adrian-fakes-spiritual-experience-part.html

So you can see where I am coming from.  I just don't feel like I write like I used to.  I was always on the edge.  Now, it just seems like I am trying to be polite, but it comes out boring.  I also seem to have run out of old stories from earlier in my life.  I'm just not sure what to do. 

We all go through changes in life.  I know a lot of ballplayers my age now have the wisdom of baseball, but not the ability of it anymore.  I feel like that is happening to me.  I also have so much over stuff going on in life.  It makes it hard to sit down, and really put time and effort into a blog post.  I'll have to really think on it, and see what I can do.

Satanic Dancing and the Illuminati

It started as a normal day.  It really did.  I was reading my facebook page when I noticed an article put up by a friend of mine.  It seems that Natalie Grant, the winner of the Best Christian Song Grammy, walked out of the Grammies over what she considered Un-Christian-like behavior.

I thought, "Well, that looks interesting," and clicked the link.  Unfortunately, the link did not work.  I thought, "Well, that's okay.  I'll just go to Yahoo."  I put in, "Natalie Grant walks out of the Grammies," into yahoo, and that's where our story gets interesting. 

Maybe I shouldn't have clicked a website called, "Endtimeheadlines."  But let's see what they had to say about Natalie Grant.

Christian Singer Natalie Grant Walks Out on Grammys After ‘Satanic’ Performances

Popular Christian gospel singer Natalie Grant walked out of the Grammys after witnessing a series of performances that even the mainstream entertainment media admitted were occult in nature.  Grant, who was nominated for two Grammys last night, tweeted her excitement upon arriving at the event but soon made it clear that she left early because what she witnessed conflicted with her Christian beliefs, stating, “We left the Grammy’s early. I’ve many thoughts, most of which are probably better left inside my head. But I’ll say this: I’ve never been more honored to sing about Jesus and for Jesus. And I’ve never been more sure of the path I’ve chosen.” Although she remained coy on the exact circumstances, Grant was probably referring to Katy Perry, who was surrounded by demons as she danced around an upside down broomstick before being encircled by fire during a performance of her song “Dark Horse”. Perry wore clothing bearing an illuminated Knights Templar cross. Even E! Online tweeted that Perry’s performance resembled “actual witchcraft”. Christian music website BreatheCast complained that Perry’s performance was “filled with satanic imagery and witchcraft.”

Viewers also expressed their shock at the occult overtones of the show.  However, Grant could also have been offended by the mass gay wedding ceremony which took place during a performance by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. Not to be outdone, Beyonce and Jay-Z attempted to up the ante by performing a risqué duet which provoked fury from parents who complained that the spectacle was too explicit for children. Jay-Z’s acceptance speech, during which he said, “I would like to thank God… a little,” also prompted claims that the rapper was invoking the Illuminati. The International Business Times reacted by claiming that Perry, Beyonce and Jay-Z’s antics were merely an example of the Grammys, “trolling Illuminati conspiracy theorists.” Watch analysis of how the Grammys were yet another ceremony to the entertainment industry’s occult leanings below via Mark Dice. Katy Perry’s best efforts at summoning Beelzebub appear at the end.

Source: http://endtimeheadlines.wordpress.com/2014/01/27/christian-singer-natalie-grant-walks-out-on-grammys-after-satanic-performances/

Okay, there are so many things going on there, I almost don't know where to start.  First Natalie Grant said that she had a lot of thoughts going on in her head, but did not want to say them.  That's fair.  However, the website did something I thought unfair.  (Well, a number of them, but one at a time.)  It then said, "This is what Grant was probably referring to."  It then referred to this:

1.  Demons.  (Okay.)
2.  Illuminati.  (What?)
3.  "Actual" Witchcraft.  (Actual huh?)
4.  Satanic Imagery and Witchcraft.  (Well now.)
5.  Occult Overtones.  (Same as #4 right?)
6.  Mass Gay Wedding.  (Well, it was pretty gay.)
7.  Risqué Duet.  (It was still better than Lada Gaga dry humping R. Kelly.)
8.  Invoking the Illuminati.  (I thought the Jews ran Hollywood?)
9.  Katy Perry really trying to get Satan to appear on stage.

Again, it's hard to know where to start.  Frankly, I've said it for years, and I'll say it again, if people know what's going to make you jump, they are going to be like Bart Simpson pushing that button again and again for hours.  Hardcore Christians make it too easy. 

Tell people dancing is a sin, you will get this:

You tell people, "Don't you do anything vaguely Satanic with dancing!"  You will get this:

You tell heavy metal/ rock n' roll guys not to do "that."  You are going to get this:

 

 

And really, you know why no one takes you (Hardline Christians) seriously?  It's now all about the Illuminati.  It used to be Jews controlled the world/Hollywood/etc., but now it's the Illuminati.  Frankly, who the fuck are the Illuminati?  I mean for a bunch that really doesn't have much marketing on their own, they sure do get a lot of press.

 



Again, this is how it worked for heavy metal bands in the 80's.  Do whatever torqued off the super, hardline Christians.  That would get you press coverage.  Remember the Filthy 15 from the PMRC?  It didn't make any of those albums sell less.  They sold a heck of a lot more, proving there's no such thing as bad press coverage. 

So this got me to thinking.  I have a side metal project called "Tsunami Death Toll.  I have been out of the metal scene for a while.  But after seeing what is making the hardline Christians mad these days, I am finding out that Satan is so 1987.  I need to update my gig.  Now-a-days it's satanic dancing and the Illuminati. 

Maybe this would be the great start for the cover of the next album?

I can see it now, "Tsunami Death Toll," with the title being "Satanic Dancing With The Illuminati.  That will get me back into the game. 

WSTN

When I was younger I had a dream.  A dream to have my very own radio station.  It would not be just any rock radio station.  It would be WSTN, all Satan, all the time.  That's right, I would bring only the hardest, and awesomest death metal, grindcore metal, metal metal, etc.

Of course the main problem would not be the protesters.  No, those are always good for publicity.  It would be that blasted Clearchannel owns everything in the way of radio stations.  The FCC is not handing out any more licences since they say there are too many.  Of course, what they didn't say was that Clearchannel owns them all.

So what would we play?

Well obviously....

I would have different rock shows during the day.  Some mainstream, some punk, some unheard of stuff.  But we would always answer the phones saying this,

"Hail Satan, caller what's your name?"

Then they would say, "Dude my name is Bob, hail Satan!"

"Hail Satan Bob!"

But lets be honest, I know who 90% of the audience would be.

But what would make this job totally worth it?  Well, that would be the other 10%

Also known as "Metal Chicks."

Let's be honest, metal chicks are crazy.  But they are also crazy in bed .... and other places.  

I know the old saying, "It used to be about the music, man!!!!!"  And in the end it would have been about the music.  That is of course, if Clearchannel didn't own everything.

Here's one last really weird fact.  There really is a WSTN.  Here's the Wiki page on it, word for word.  (And I am really not making this up.)

WSTN (1410 FM) was an American radio station formerly licensed to serve Somerville, the county seat of Fayette County, Tennessee. The station was established in 1983 as "WJED", changed to "WSTN" in 1986, and since 2002 its broadcast license was held by Jimmy Swaggart's Family Worship Center Church, Inc. The station went silent on October 25, 2006.