Son of Dog: A Telemarketer And A Madman

I've always said it.  I if a telemarketer calls my house, they are fair game.  In this house I am the hunter and they are the prey.  They called into my property, my lair, my wildlife management area.  If they want to fuck with me, I'm going to fuck with them even harder.

For a while we were getting many scam calls a day.  Almost all of them were from the Philippines.  They would say they were from either: 1. Microsoft.  2. The IRS.  3.  Social Security.  4.  A Law Enforcement Agency.  5.  Apple.  6.  The Cable Company.  7.  One of the major banks, usually Bank of America.

So not only were they telemarketers, they were scammers.  They were trying to steal important personal information for illegal purposes. So guess what?  I'm going to stick it to them without mercy.

After I messed with them, most would tell me, "Fuck you!" and hang up.  However, one time things went completely off the rails.  Every day  I would answer the phone in different accents.  That day I happened to pick a very refined British accent.  That's when "Tom" called from "Microsoft."  I always thought it was funny the spammers were always named, "John, Tom, Robert, or Tim."  That was a dead giveaway.

So "Tom" says (with a strong Filipino accent) that he's with Microsoft, and my computer has been hacked.  He wants to help me fix it.

Me (Again, in a posh British accent):  "Oh my.  That sounds serious."

Tom:  "Are you at your computer now?"

Me:  "You sound like quite a young beautiful man."

Tom:  (Tries to continue with his pitch.)

Me:  "Are you circumcised?"

Tom:  (Somewhat confused because he's not sure what I mean.)  "If you can get to your computer I can help you fix it."

Me:  "Tell me Tom.  Are you a homosexual?"

Tom:  (Silence)  Then, in an extremely angry voice:  "You.... you son of dog!!!!!!!!"  Then he starts screaming in Filipino."

Me:  I can't help but start laughing.

Tom:  "Americans are good people!  You are not good people (sic)!"

Me:  "What are you talking about?  Us Americans voted for Trump!  We want to bomb and kill half the world!  We're not good people at all!"

Tom:  (Screaming a mixture of English and Filipino.)

Me:  "Yeah, we want to kill all the foreigners including you!"

Tom:  "You are not a good people (sic)!"

Me:  "I'm not?  You're the one who's lying saying he's from Microsoft when we both know you're not!  C'mon, just admit it's a scam!  You know it is!"

Tom:  (Still screaming a good amount.  I got to give hit to him.  He's got some powerful lungs.)

Me:  "How about those Filipino ladyboys?  Have you ever gotten to fuck one of them?"

Tom:  (Still yelling.  Honestly, I can't remember the last time in my life I set someone off this badly.)

Finally "Tom" hangs up.  I start laughing for the next ten minutes.  When I finally catch my breath and tell my Dad what happened, he explained a few things.  You see, my Dad is a Vietnam veteran.  He said that one of the worst insults you can tell someone in that Southeast Asia is to call them a "son of dog."

Dad went on to say, "You must have really torqued him off if he went straight to calling you that."

"You know, I started off in my nice British accent.  I really tried to come across all proper-like before the shouting match."  I replied.

You know, I really wish I had recorded that call.  I think Jim Florentine would be proud of me.  That call went to below average to epic in half a second.  That call could have been played on Howard Stern for laughs.

To this day I have to consider that my biggest win when it comes to messing with phone solicitors.  I've had some great ones, but I've never had one that completely blew his top at me.  I mean, with all the screaming and yelling I'm surprised a supervisor didn't come over and grab ahold of him.  Again, he had to remember, if he comes into my territory he's fair game.  Boom.