The Amazingly True Story of How Adrian Got His One And Only Wood Duck

The following is the absolute truth.  Something that has not been told until now.  A gigantic white lie has been told in it's place.  That is, until now. 

This story starts years ago.  It's starts with a morning out duck hunting.  Dad and I went to Cockroach Bay, and shot 3 blue and/or green wing teal.  I'm a little fuzzy on the details, but I remember we brought back three teal.

To get home we would take I-75 North to the last Tampa exit which was Fletcher Ave.  As we would drive West on Fletcher Ave we would pass Lettuce Lake Park.  That's where the real story begins. 

You see, Dad and I were talking about all sorts of various things, mostly baseball, the outdoors, and hunting.  Dad was in the middle of a sentence when this happened.  Dad was saying something like, "Blah, blah, blah, AND THAT WAS FUCKING WOOD DUCK!!!!"

He then proceeded to swing the truck into the left lane, and then into a left hand turn lane.  He did all of this in one motion from the right hand lane, mind you, with the truck pulling our duck hunting boat.  He then went back East, and did another U turn.  He drove on the shoulder of the road where he pulled up to a dead wood duck on the side of the road.

As he was driving he proceeded to tell me he saw a wood duck on the side of the road, and it looked like it was in perfect condition.  So I jumped out of the truck with a towel in my hand just in case it was a bloody mess.  I picked it up and it was perfect.  Perfect.  It had amazing colors, and not one feather was missing.  It seems that it lived at the Park, and was either flying/walking near the road when it got hit by a car.  It was stiff, so that meant it was a few hours dead, most probably hit during the early morning.  However, it only had two ants on it, so that let me know that it hadn't been there long.

I brought it up to Dad, and showed him how good a shape the duck was in.  I was very careful with it, and put it into the freezer as soon as I got home.  We wanted to get it mounted, but we had to get Mom's approval as taxidermy is expensive.  So we told her a little white lie.  We had just come back from duck hunting right?  We had three teal, and one wood duck.  We had 4 wood duck decoys right?  So it stood to reason that the Wood Duck went to the Wood Duck decoys, and I shoot it, right?  That makes perfect sense.  So that's what we told Mom.  She was more than happy to okay us getting the duck mounted.

We took it to our world famous taxidermist, Gene Dobbs.  He said of all the Wood Ducks he had seen, that one was the second best one that had come across his desk.  He got it done in a quick amount of time which was nice.  As famous as he was, he always had a backlog of work.  But he decided one day to do every duck he had, as he was getting behind in his work, so the Wood Duck got done early. 

And now for the moment of truth, or should I say, moment of proof.  Here's the pictures of the Wood Duck.

Unfiltered

Note:  No real names will be used in this blog.

I have this friend by the name of "M."  It seems his birthday is coming up.  One of the things he likes to do in his spare time is stand up comedy.  So his girlfriend "Dee Dee" wants all his friends to throw him a roast for his birthday.  For those who don't know, a "roast" is when a bunch of comics get together, and rag on/ make jokes about their friend.  The other thing about a roast is that, the comics also make fun of the other comics/guests at the roast. 

This left me to thinking...  Since I am a friend I would be invited to this roast.  And it also made me think....  I would get to roast M.  And then, I would not only get to roast M, but everyone else.  And thus, the ultimate thought would be that I would get to be completely unfiltered.  And let's be honest, my unfiltered thoughts are much like the pictures in my blog.

Honestly, I am filtering about 80% of my thoughts all the time.  I'd hate to think what would happen if they were unleashed upon an exsuspecting crowd.  Heck, even an expecting crowd would be equally impressed/offended by my stand up.

That's the one thing that Dee Dee didn't think ahead.  As M's girlfriend she would be a main target.  And I gotta admit that I've already got a few jokes in mind.  And that's the funny thing.  I don't have many for M yet, but boy do I have a few zingers for Dee Dee.  In all fairness she gives a comic a lot of ammo.  She's a former stripper/ webcam "model" with 16 tattoos.  And that's not to mention all the rings in her head/tongue, etc.  And then when you actually get to meet her, you can get a whole lot more zingers come to your head. 

The idea is to hold the roast at the independent coffee shop we all go.  This would be a great place to make fun of.  I can make fun of the menu, items, overpriced drinks and things.  I would also be able to make fun of the groups that meet there.  Namely vegetarians, Green Party, and persons going through gender reassignment surgery.  Really, the place is Rush Limbaugh's worst nightmare.

So then I got to thinking, there are other people to make fun of too.  The owner Kay is a lesbian and her partner Mand are a great couple to make fun of.  Mainly because they are quite a bit different from each other.  There would be a great opportunity to make all the power roles in their relationship.  And of course I would get to use the words bulldyke, powerdyke, and fisting.

There's a guy who works part time at the coffee house is an openly gay man named B.M.  I think he kind of likes me in a more than platonic way.  He's a really nice guy, but I'm sure there are quite a few jokes I could tell about him trading me tea for sexual favors.

There is an amazing person that I met at the coffee house.  His name is J. and he was born premature.  He was not supposed to live, but he made it.  He has M.S. but a lot of people think he is retarded.  He's not, but he has the speech impediment, and rough walk that makes people think he is.  Despite all the crap he has endured, he has become an amazing person.  He is also surprisingly gay.  So there is a lot to have fun with except one thing.  He has endured so much ridicule in his life that he can't take a joke or insult, even if that is the norm with a roast.  I would have a few things to razz him about, but only if he wasn't there.

A lot of M's friends come on game night.  One night I was there I heard them arguing over Pokemon facts.  I didn't know them, but I wanted to comment on what total virgins they were.  So that's a definite when holding a roast. 

There's also a woman, I'll call her "S." who hosts a comedy workshop.  She would be a great one to poke fun at.  I already have a good one lined up in that, I'm not sure if she's a lesbian, straight, bi, or just playing hard to get. 

The funny thing is that M is totally against this idea of a roast.  He thinks that a roast is only for people at the height of their genius.  Since he is an amatuer comic he thinks he is undeserving of a roast.  I kinda like the idea since it's an after hours/ only between friends sort of thing.  I hope he goes through with it, but I understand if this doesn't happen. 

Farmer Adrian and the Sheepie Pigs

I like writing this blog.  It's the perfect format for me.  Twitter and Facebook posts are too short for my stories, and full hardcover books are too long.  So for me, having a blog is perfect for my short story format.  But there was one other thing that I was interested in writing.  That would be a kid's storybook.  They are mostly 30-60 pages, and have wonderful artwork.  That kind of falls into my format that I already been producing for 350 blogs. 

So now.  What do I write about?  An idea came to me when I was talking to my former girlfriend Roxy (not her real name.)  We had adopted a Guinea pig together, and shared a love for the adorable creatures. 

So one night when I was doing my usual weird thoughts/ storytelling I started telling about how there was once a really great guy by the name of Farmer Adrian.  He raised Sheepie Pigs.  Which lead to the question, "What's a sheepie pig?" 

Well, it's a giant guinea pig the size of a sheep, and has the white fluffy coat of a sheep.  Farmer Adrian would raise them, and in the springtime shave their exotic wool for money and goods.  Anyway, I got the, "Awwwww!!!!" from Roxy.  And think about it, sheepie pigs would be a great idea.  Half guinea pig/ half sheep/ 200% cuteness.  Everyone would love sheepie pigs, and they would be great at petting zoos.

Then I learned something great.  There are giant guinea pigs in real life.  They are called Capybaras.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capybara

 

When they are adults, they can weight from 75 to 150 pounds.  They like to live in groups so they would be great for having in herds. 

So think about this.  If we take the cuteness of a guinea pig/ capybara....

Plus the hairiness, and overall cuteness of a sheep....

 

You get the double cuteness of a sheepie pig!

 

But then comes the next part of the book.  What is the story about?  All kids books should have a lesson, so what should the lesson be about?  I was thinking something about hard work, since working on a farm is hard work.  But do most kids even know about farms and farm work these days?  It might be good in one way to tell them about farm work since they don't know about it, but then it could also make the book a little bit unrelateable and unclear. 

 

But the funny thing about children's books is that, there are quite a few of them.  In fact, remember when it was en vogue for all the celebrities to write a children's book?  Heck, even Madonna got in on the act.  So, I know I would have to view it as a hobby, and not really get my hopes up about getting it published.  It would have to be a fun side project.

 

At least it's fun to think about.  It's also a fun tale to tell small children when they request a story.  In the end it's a fun and more importantly, G-rated story for kids.





Life of Gourami

I got new fish today.  I know this is not a big deal to some people, but it is to me.  You see, I have had Tetras the last 20 years.  Today I decided to get something different.  I decided to get Gouramis.  In my younger days I did not like gouramis.  Namely because one big male gourami bullied my favorite fish, Elizabeth (a Mollie) at the fishtank at school.  Really, the gouramis need more room than the 20 gallon tank that was at school. 

So now I have six new gouramis in my 46 gallon Eurotank.  They seem to be enjoying the new tank.  I have made sure to have plenty of rocks and plants for hiding places.  The fish tend to get along better that way.  I also changed the light bulbs as the old ones were getting really faded.

So I took pictures, and made an Independent film about these new fish.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And here is my Independent film, "Life of Gourami."

 

 



I Possess The Chamberlain High School Library Door Handle

This is Elsa Tuggle.

She is one of the worst human beings that I have ever encountered.  She is also responsible for my expulsion from Chamberlain High.  You could say I still harbor some bitter feelings about that.  She was always on my case for one reason or another.  Seriously, she once suspended me for one day for cursing.  Really, one day.  She didn't give me detention or even Saturday detention.  No, she suspended me for one day.

Before you think that I had to really stalk her to get that photo of her listen to this.  I just typed her name into google image, and that popped right up at the top.  It weren't that hard.  Besides that is her photo from the Hillsborough County School website. 

But back to the point.  I think I knew that she was going to find a way to get rid of me somehow.  In the end she pulled this stunt to get my "special assignment" to Chamberlain canceled, so it automatically sent me back to King Sr. High.  So before I was kicked out I took a piece of Chamberlain with me.  That would be the Chamberlain High Library door handle.

You see, one Fall day in 1992, during lunch me and my friend (redacted) were walking to the library.  When I grabbed the handle it partially came out.  Me and my friend walked in the library, but the only thing on my mind was that door handle.  I said, "(redacted), I've got to have that door handle."  I went out, put my foot against the door, grabbed the handle, and pulled straight out.  To my surprise it came right out.  That's when (redacted) almost fell on the ground he was laughing so hard.  I stashed it in my bag, and brought it home. 

When I transferred to King Sr. High I showed my trophy off to some of my new friends.  They were impressed/ amused/ scared to death.  Really, you might have had to know me back then.  The Chamberlain Library Door Handle was even kept in the Football Coach's office for a good luck charm.  We took it on the road when we played Chamberlain.  Of course, we lost that game, and only went 3-7 during the season so that only proves that it made a better trophy than it did a good luck charm. 

Fast forward many years.  When I was cleaning out my room with the help of my former girlfriend "Roxy" (not her real name) she came across the Chamberlain Library Door Handle.  She asked me what it was, and why did I have it.  When my first words were, "It's the Chamberlain Library Door Handle," she looked like she just swallowed a live fish.  I then proceeded to tell her the story I have just printed here.  I think she was just at that point where she thought nothing else I could do would surprise her.  And then I drop an ACME safe on her head.

So here it is Jan. 1st. 2013.  That means it just flipped 20 years and a few months since I liberated the Chamberlain Library Door Handle as a personal trophy.  At this point I'm sure the statute of limitations has run out.  And Tuggle?  Well she has moved up the Hillsborough County School System ladder quite nicely it seems.  I wonder if she may have some words for me at the Chamberlain High School Class of 1994 reunion in a few years?  I may have a few words for her.  And in my hand?  You guessed it.  The Chamberlain Library Door Handle.

Adrian's 2012 Year End Review: The Best of Blogs

Yes, it's that time of year again.  It's time to count down Adrian's best blogs of 2012.  I do two lists.  The first is a strickly by the numbers best of list.  It goes by the most views.  The second list is my personal favorite lists.  It's the blogs that I wrote in 2012 that I like the most.  Onto the lists!



10.  Soul Asylum Vs. The Rolling Stones:  Who ya got?   126 views.
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/10/soul-asylum-vs-rolling-stones-who-ya-got.html
As I was listening to "Without a Trace," I noticed something.  See if you can too.


9.  Hairy Fishnuts   130 views.
  http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/10/soul-asylum-vs-rolling-stones-who-ya-got.html
Religion is sometimes funny.  I found this out firsthand.


8.  The Worst Vacation   150 views.
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/07/worst-vacation.html
Read (or don't) on why Adrian had the worst vacation in years.

7.  Absinthe, Part 2.   165 views.
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/11/absinthe-part-2.html
Read only, don't drink.

6.  What Kind of Motorcycle Guy Am I?  236 views.
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/04/what-kind-of-motorcycle-guy-am-i.html
I ask a question every adventurous guy should ask of himself.

5.  Goth Night at the Coffee House   298 views.
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/09/goth-night-at-coffee-house.html
Seriously.  Check out the last picture with the goth chick wearing ..... not much.  Is that even legal to wear outside your bedroom?

4.  Guitar Project #7, The Rosewood Telecaster   370 views.
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/05/guitar-project-7-rosewood-telecaster.html
I inherit a big piece of rosewood, and decide to get crackin on it.

3.  The Headbanger and the Bob.  397 views.
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2011/12/headbanger-and-bob.html
Even though this shows up as written on 12/31/2011, the actual time I wrote it was on Jan. 1st early in the morning.  It's a fun little story.

2.  WSTN   498 views.
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/04/wstn.html
This is probably my most metal blog ever. 

1.  I'm Finally Putting My Orchestra Training To Use.   1838 views.
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/05/im-finally-putting-my-orchestra.html
I never would have thought this would be so popular.  However, it's by far this most popular Adrian blog of 2012.


And now for Adrian's personal favorite blogs of 2012.


10.  A Little Piece of Heaven.  A House, A Home, A Log Cabin
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/05/im-finally-putting-my-orchestra.html
What I wouldn't give for my own home.  What I wouldn't give to build my own home.

9.  The Green Recliner
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-green-recliner.html
Sometimes the universe gives you gifts.  Mine was the green recliner.

8.  I'm a Terrible Painter
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/03/i-am-terrible-painter.html
Seriously, I am bad at painting.

7.  The Serial Killer at Cafe Kili is Really Annoying Me.
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/04/serial-killer-at-cafe-kili-is-really.html
I'm just waiting until I see this guy on the news.

6.  Too Cute To Shoot?
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/11/too-cute-to-shoot.html
I like hunting, but I don't know if I have the heart to shoot one of these guys.

5.  The 80's Attack!  Movie Review:  The Adventures of Hercules 2
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/07/the-80s-attack-movie-review-adventures.html
I don't know if I could become drunk enough to make it all the way through this movie.

4.  Goth Night at the Coffee House.
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/09/goth-night-at-coffee-house.html
I know I said it earlier, but did you see that goth chick?

3.  Hairy Fishnuts.
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/09/goth-night-at-coffee-house.html
Seriously, it was all I could do not to lose my shit when watching the Hairy Fishnuts.

2.  Fuzzy Memories With Durice D. Long
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/01/fuzzy-memories-with-durice-d-long.html
Durice was a great man.  How could I not love this blog?

1.  Hunting Season 2012: Story 2, Hoggin It Up.
http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/12/hunting-season-2012-story-2-hoggin-it-up.html
I have to admit, I am partial to myself.  So it should come as no surprise that this is my favorite blog of 2012.

Thanks to everyone for reading.  I do appreciate it.  Including this blog, I will have written 65 blogs this 2012 year.  Like I always say, I try to aim for one blog per week, so I was ahead of my average.  I hope that I continue to write well in 2013.  Take care everyone.

Hunting Season 2012: Story 6, Don't Hurl

Story 1: http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/12/hunting-season-2012-story-1-gator.html

Story 2: http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/12/hunting-season-2012-story-2-hoggin-it-up.html

Story 3: http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/12/hunting-season-2012-story-3-mystery-at.html

Story 4: http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/12/hunting-season-2012-story-4-cypress.html

Story 5: http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2012/12/hunting-season-2012-story-5-fighting.html


When out hunting with our friend The Weasel (pronounced like Grease-el) a lot of weird things happen.  Let's be honest, hunting would be boring without him.  But a lot of things that are funny when looking back on it are not funny at the time.

On the last morning of hunting, right before I shot my hog, I agreed to let The Weasel sit in my tree (my hunting spot.)  Since Dad and I didn't know where we were going, we sat in the truck while the Weasel started getting ready.

Dad has a 4 door Ford F-150, and The Weasel sits in the back right seat.  Dad and I sit up front.  The Weasel had the door open, and was standing right by the truck when he unleashed a torrent of insect spray inside the truck. 

I had just enough time to yell at Dad, "Open the door," as I swung mine out.  The air was so thick with bug spray I could taste it, as well as breathe in what I suspected was a mustard gas canister worth of spray.  I thought to myself, "Oh my God.  I am going to hurl."  But then I realized that I can't hurl.  Dad is a sympathetic hurler like Wayne and Garth of Wayne's World.

That's when Dad yelled at me, "Don't you dare hurl!"  To which I replied, "I'm trying not to!"  And remember all this time I am choking, coughing, and crying due to the obnoxious amounts of mustard gas, oops, I mean bug spray that was unleashed in the truck.

At that time we figured it was prudent to abandon the truck, and get out into some fresh air.  I continued coughing for the next 20 minutes or so.  In fact, I continued to cough right up until I shot the hog. 

But the good news is that despite barely being able to breathe I did not puke.  Oh, and I did get a hog that day.  I'll take them both as great victories.