Monday, July 9, 2012

The Worst Vacation

It all started with a bad feeling.  I just didn’t want to go on vacation.  Vacation being a trip to West Virginia to visit my Grandmother and other relatives.  I just knew something would go wrong.  Boy, was I right.

Part 1.  Who am I?

First we went to a family reunion in Virginia.  I knew none of these people.  My sister and Dad had a better idea of who everyone was than I did.  They kept asking me how I was related to this and that person.  I didn’t have a clue.  I felt like Johnny the Tackling Alzheimer’s Patient. 

Part 2.  The Eyes Have It.

There is a weird thing about the main branch of my family.  They all have these very blue eyes.  And  not just blue, but a light shade of blue.  Except for me, of course.  I have my Mother’s brown eyes.  It was another reason that I didn’t feel like I belonged at the family reunion.  I just didn’t feel Aryan enough.

Part 3.  0% German.

Do to DNA testing my family has found out a lot about where they originally came from.   My Dad took one of the tests, and it showed that he had DNA markers from the Viking’s liniage, and from Germany.  However, my Dad’s mother’s maiden name is Hager (say Hogger in a thick German accent.)  In other words my Grandmother is very German. 

So another one of our relatives says he took a DNA test, and it showed no German through my Grandfather’s line.  So despite the fact that they look like German’s, the Long line is 0% German.  Although they (we) seem to have the right to wear Viking helmets if we want.  We are that hardcore Scandinavian. 
The one thing I noticed is that my relatives seem as smug as I do sometimes.  At least I know where I got it from.  We are definitely a smug bunch, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing.

Part 4.  Relative Ways – What’s With The Picture Taking?

One form of smugness that really bothered me was the picture taking.  No one would ask if they could take your picture.  They’d just stick a camera up your nose, and click the button.  No manners at all, if you ask me.  I was always taught to ask someone permission before you took they’re picture.  I just felt that I could slap a few of my camera welding relatives.  I know, white people problems right?

Part 5.  Frank the Falcon.

Due to the carrying on that was happening at the family reunion, I decided to have some fun.  Since I didn’t feel like telling everyone I was an unemployed truck driver, I decided to make up a fun job for myself.  I was going to ask them if they had heard of the parrot show at Busch Gardens.  I was then going to tell them that I was the Falconer for the new Falcon act in the Busch Gardens aviary.  However, things weren’t going so great.  My Falcon Frank was kind of an asshole.  He would sometimes do things, but only if he wanted to.  I wasn’t the greatest employee, but I was the only one who could handle Frank, so they couldn’t fire me.  In all honesty, it wasn’t that great of a show, but we were trying.  At least it was a paycheck.
So I thought it was a pretty good story.  However, I never got to use it, as no one asked me where I worked.  It would have been fun though.

Part 6.  Bats

Once we get to my Grandmother’s house we (meaning Dad and I) have to fight off the bat invasion.  That’s right, the attic was infested with bats.  The bats are so bad, but the bat guano (poo) is pretty rank.  So we stick bug spray up there to push them out.  Dad fills up all the holes, and puts netting over the vents.  Still a few bats wouldn’t come out. 

Of course they end up dying, and the smell of death fills the air.  That, and mothballs.  Dad bought some mothballs, and the smell was just awful between the death and the mothballs.  Dad filled the holes with that great yellow, expanding foam  stuff.  Then he had to paint over it with brown paint to match the house.  It was not a fun time.

After a day, the smell was worse than death.  It was like death mixed with mothballs.  The entire upstairs was uninhabitable.  I ended up having to sleep on the couch.  And even then, my blanket and pillow that had been upstairs smelled like death and mothballs.  Off to the washer they go.
Also, I kept making the joke, “Do you have mothballs?”  “Oh, so you’re a gay moth?”  I know I completely ripped off the Fishsticks joke from South Park.

Part 7.  Rats, Er Mice.

During one of the first nights at Grandma’s house we had a visitor.  I was sitting on the couch when a mouse ran around the corner.  Not one of those feeder mice you find in pet stores.  It was one of those field mice you see with the big eyes and huge ears.  Honestly, they are quite cute.  But when you have one, you can end up with a bunch.  So we put out poison and mice traps.  Did I catch something?  Oh yes, yes I did.  I ended up catching Grandma’s toe.

Part 8.  The Cone of Uncertainty.

So there was this little storm (sarcasm) that hit parts of 5 states, West Virginia being one of them.  They said that Hurricane Katrina knocked out power to 3 million people.  Well, this storm knocked the power out for 5 million people.  Oh yeah, that included my Grandma’s house.  So for four days we were without power.  That meant no A/C in the middle of a record setting heat wave.  Talk about miserable.  Nothing to do, and nowhere to go.  Although we did go to restaurants since the food was spoiled.  There were long wait times at the restaurants since a lot of employees couldn’t make it to work, and lots of people showed up.
Overall, it was just a miserable time.  I can sum it up like this.  Four days of intense heat with nothing to do.  I could have stayed home in Florida, and had the same experience with the next hurricane that showed up. 

Part 9.  Dude, you just got punched in the ribs. 

I will not name the relative that did this, but I got punched in the ribs by him/her.  Thanks a lot.

Part 10.  Piss and Venom.

We all have relatives.  We all have relatives that we don’t like.  However, I have a relative who really, really hates me.  My Grandmother was gone, so I answered the phone.  I’m just trying to take a message when my evil Aunt gets nasty with me, and hangs up on me.  I just asked if I could take a message.

I find it funny that someone could have so much hate, so much venom for me, that they can’t hold back.  They have to snap and act nasty every time they see me. 

Part 11.  Vacation Shopping.

This is the part that most people like about vacation, the shopping.  However, due to the power outage most places were closed.  And they were closed over the weekend when we planned to go shopping.  I was able to find a game for my Nintendo 3DS, but it’s tough to play it when the power is out, and won’t recharge your 3DS.

I was really looking forward to the flea markets.  You can find some really cool vintage items in the flea markets in West Virginia.  Also, you never know what kind of musical instruments you will find.  One of my greatest (maybe the greatest) finds was in a West Virginia flea markets.  I really missed doing that this trip.

Part 12.  Only Happy When It Rains.

I was looking forward to the Arts and Crafts Fair in Ripley.  It was supposed to be a fun day.  And then the rain came.  A lot of vendors closed up, and I ended up stuck in a shelter with a woman who had six kids.  One of which was afraid of storms, and was balling her eyes out at the rain and thunder.  Hell is other people’s kids.

I did get quite a few pictures, and overall it wasn’t too bad.  I just wish it didn’t happen to rain right after we arrived.  It hadn’t rained in a while, and the area needed the water, but I wished it could have waited until nighttime.  

Part 13.  The End.

Well, vacation finally ended.  After a 17 some hour trip, we made it home.  Of course there was no power to the water pump.  Turns out, the switch finally died.  Luckily it was able to get fixed once daylight came.  Also, for some reason the cable is out.  The cable guy will show up in about two days to get it straightened up.  

So after a really relaxing vacation (more sarcasm,) I will mow the two feet of grass, and give the fishtank a good cleaning.  I am starting to see why we only do vacation once a year.  I don't think I could stand it any more than that.  

1 comment:

  1. I stumbled upon your Worst Vacation story when I was googling pictures of mice. I think I might have one. Anywho I was having a crappy day seeing as I might have vermin around my house and I just wanted to let you know that reading your story made me feel better :)