However, if you are familiar with my writing style you have probably guessed not one of these ideas has gone anywhere. I'll admit, it's a bit disappointing. But I still have the rest of the summer to hash out ideas.
So far, this is what I have pitched.
1. I wrote an "Onion" type of article about me being the meanest manager out here at Philmont. It was so over the top that no on could possibly take it seriously. I will post it below.
I was told that it's not what the "Phil-News" does. It just doesn't fit in with their style. So it got nixed.
2. I wrote an article about my Dr. Hunter S. Thompson alter ego interviewing me about being a certified luthier here at Base Camp. I thought it was fair, but again, it was turned down. It seems I'm not allowed to have my alter ego interview me. There's some sort of rule about it. Again, I will post the article down below.
3. I came up with the headline, "About Bleeding Time!!!" in reference to the Women's Staff Rest Rooms finally getting sanitary napkin trash cans. I thought it was about time Philmont made it into the 21st century. Or, at least the late 20th century.
Guess what? The tag line didn't fly. (And it was so perfect!) Also, the BSA is a bit of a conservative organization, and they wouldn't want to hear about women's menstrual cycles in their newspaper. So that idea was shot down.
4. I came up with another "Onion" type of article. The headline was, "Staffer Who's a Kansas 3 Finds Out She's a Philmont 8." Yeah, that kind of got me thrown out of the News and Photo Building.
5. Of course, another great "Onion" headline came to my brain less than 10 minutes later. It read, "Cottonwood Trees Decide To Tell Philmont Staff and Campers To Go Fuck Themselves." I didn't even pretend that was going to fly. But seriously, it looks like it's snowing out here.
6. I did submit a soup recipe. That "might" get published. I don't know. Broccoli is very controversial.
So we'll see what happens. I will continue to flood News and Photo with articles, and they'll keep denying them. But maybe once in a blue moon, one will slip by.
And now, here's the article on me being the meanest manager at Philmont.
The Meanest
Manager At Philmont
By
Raymond Duke
Raymond Duke
Leaving a
trail of slime wherever he goes, Adrian Long is the meanest manager at Philmont. How it came to be that he would be put in
charge of Base Camp Services has become quite the mystery surrounding the
camp.
No staff
members wanted to have their names on the record concerning Mr. Long’s
behavior. A few have asked that they be
allowed to share their stories without giving away any information that would
identify themselves.
One young
staff member spoke of Mr. Long’s volatile nature. “We had just cleaned the sidewalk outside of
one of the shower houses when a deer walked up.
Mr. Long said if that (redacted by editor) messed up his sidewalk he
would drop kick it. The deer then
started peeing on the sidewalk. Mr. Long
went ballistic, and actually drop kicked the deer! I’ve never seen anything like it!”
Another
staffer reported, “He asked me, “If my Mother had any children that
lived?” Somehow he found out my home
number, called my Mother and asked her, “If she had any children that
lived?” “But that was nothing compared
to the time he asked me if I was a (redacted)?
I don’t even know what a (redacted) is!”
It has also
been reported that Mr. Long doesn’t even call his fellow staffers by their
correct names. He just yells, “Nametag”
at them. When a staffer questioned Mr.
Long as to why he wasn’t referring to them by their names it was reported that
Mr. Long stated, “I don’t know you well enough to give a (redacted) about
you. In two months’ time I’ll be doing
real work, and you’ll be shoveling (redacted) in Mississippi. To me you are all green shirted scum.”
One also
wonders if Mr. Long actually causes more damage than he fixes around Base
Camp. “He doesn’t actually use a key to
open the toilet paper dispensers. He
just kicks them until they fall open.
Sometimes they open. Sometimes
they just fall off the wall. He doesn’t
seem to care either way.” Spoke one staffer.
Another
staffer spoke, “There was one time he wasn’t happy with how we cleaned the
mirrors. So he said we had to do extra
training. He made the entire Base Camp
Services crew clean his personal truck.
No matter what we did it wasn’t good enough. We spent over two hours just cleaning the
inside and outside of his truck.”
A very
visibly upset staffer reported the following, “One day we were doing really
well. Everything was getting clean. The day was going by pretty fast. Mr. Long hadn’t said, well, really anything
all day. At the end of the day he smiled
for the first time. He looked at me and
said, “You’ve actually done well today.
Maybe you might be promoted to Base Camp Services Manager someday.”
It was the
first nice thing he had ever said to me.
So I said, “Yes Sir.” He then
punched me in the stomach as hard as he could.
As I was lying down on the ground rolling around in pain, he whispered
in my ear, “Not while I’m (redacted) here.”
The Philmont
News has made repeated calls to Roger Hoyt, Steve Nelson, and Phillip Ferrier
about Mr. Long’s abusive nature, but all calls have been unreturned. We did contact Mr. Long for his side of the
story. His response was, “If I wanted
(redacted) out of you, I would (redacted.)
And that goes for (redacted.) I
don’t care if you (redacted) on a (redacted) I would still (redacted) and
(redacted.)”
There was
one staffer within management who wished to talk, but asked they not be
identified. They had this to say. “Listen, everyone knows Adrian Long is an
abusive piece of crap. No one in the
office likes him. Not the bosses, not
the secretaries, no one.”
“But the
thing is you can’t deny his results. He
took over a department that nobody wanted.
I mean, people actually threatened to quit before they would go over to
Base Camp Services. Since he took over the
shower houses are cleaner than they been in years. And I do mean years. No one would touch them. So he comes in, and turns it around. That’s what the bosses wanted.”
“Is he one
of the most contemptible people I’ve ever met in my life? Absolutely!
But he gets results so management just kind of looks the other way when
it comes to his behavior. Am I afraid
that someone is going to get hurt?
Again, absolutely! But let
Philmont go a few days without the shower houses being cleaned, and this place
will go the way of Rome.”
“I don’t
like it any better than you do. I avoid
the man. I don’t talk to the man. I’ll leave the room if he walks in. But the truth is they just don’t have anyone
to replace him. I have to mention again,
the shower houses are cleaner than they’ve been since I got here. I don’t like it, but that’s the way it is.”
The Philmont
News will continue to cover this ongoing story.
If any staff member wishes to reach out to the Philmont News concerning
Adrian Long’s behavior, please call Philmont extension 1246. You can remain anonymous.
And here is my alter ego's interview with me about luthiery.
The Base
Camp Luthier
By
Raymond Duke
Many staff
members know Adrian Long as the Base Camp Services Manager. He and his team clean the ten large shower
houses at Base Camp. But what you may
not know about Adrian Long is that he is a trained and certified luthier. For those who don’t know, a luthier is a
person who builds and repairs guitars and other fretted musical
instruments.
Word has
spread through the grapevine that Mr. Long will gladly help anyone who needs
their instrument repaired or set-up. So
far, he has worked on ten guitars for Philmont Staff members. Some guitars need minor adjustments while
others have needed to be glued back together.
The Phil-News sat down with Mr. Long to find out more about how he
transitioned into guitar repair.
Raymond
Duke: Thanks for agreeing to sit down with the Phil-News.
Adrian
Long: Well, I’m glad to. I wanted to get the word out that I’m here to
help out my fellow staffers.
RD: How did you become a luthier? How did that process start?
AL: I’ll give you the quick version. I started playing guitar at age 22. I loved it, and wanted to know more about
it. I decided to go to luthiery
school. I ended up opening my own shop. After that I worked for both Guitar Center
and Dean Guitars.
RD: What instruments do you play?
AL: I started playing cello when I was 12. I wanted to learn how to play guitar from a
young age, but never got around to it until I was 22. But once I learned guitar, I picked up
playing bass guitar pretty quickly. I
can also play around with harmonicas.
I’m no John Popper (of Blues Traveler fame,) but I have fun with
it.
I recently
picked up a Cajon. When I would play
coffee houses I would see the drummers playing them. I knew I’d have to have one. And since I had a Cajon, I thought I should
have some shakers and a tambourine as well.
RD: Have you worked at Philmont before?
AL: Again, I’ll have to give you the short
version. I worked here back in
2004. I was a Program Councilor at
Rayado. A staff member down there got
sick and had to go home. I was an
emergency hire. So I was here only about
2/3rds of the season back then.
RD: What made you decide to bring your tools to
Philmont and work on staffers’ guitars?
Aren’t you busy enough with Base Camp Services that you don’t need to be
adding anything else to your time?
AL: Well, it’s true. I am busy.
I am insanely busy. I mean, look
at us. It’s my supposed day off, and
here I am talking to you. But let me get
to your first question. When I was here
in 2004 I saw that many staffers had brought musical instruments. And every instrument I saw needed work done
on it.
When I found
out that I would be coming back to Philmont, I knew I was going to have to bring
my own tools for my job as Base Camp Services Manager. So I threw in some of my specialty luthier
tools in my tool box. I knew I would be
able to help a lot of staffers out here.
RD: What’s the one thing you see that most
staffers’ guitars need?
AL: Without a doubt it’s two things. First, most of the truss rods have never been
set on the guitars I’m seeing. Even
those that have, they haven’t been set correctly. The other thing is players need to change
their strings more often. If you have
one guitar that you play all the time, you need to change your strings at least
once a month, and maybe more.
RD: I think you are getting ahead of yourself
again. What’s a truss rod?
AL: You’re right.
I am doing that again. Behind the
fretboard of a guitar, within the neck, is a metal rod that can be
adjusted. The strings pull about 120
pounds of pressure on the neck. It
immediately bends the neck over. So to
combat this, builders put in a metal rod (called a truss rod) so that the neck can
be straightened out.
Due to
temperature and environmental changes truss rods may need to be adjusted
several times a year. Touring musicians
are constantly adjusting their guitars’ truss rods since they are always
changing environments.
RD: It’s been rumored that you don’t actually
charge staffers for guitar work. Is that
true?
AL: Yes, it’s absolutely true. I don’t charge. Oh, except I do charge exactly what I paid
for strings. I don’t make a penny off
strings.
RD: I have to ask the question, why not charge
for your work?
AL: The truth is I realize that most Philmont staffers
are still in college. They have student
loans and very little money. If I tried
to charge them, then no one would actually bring me an instrument.
Something
else I’ve run into, is that, many staffers have never actually met a luthier,
or they don’t know that a guitar is adjustable.
It can be made to play easier.
Many staffers would think, “Why should I pay “X” amount for this? My guitar is fine.” But in reality, their guitar is not
fine. It can be made to play so much
better.
RD: Can you give me an example?
AL: Well, I hope Graham from Activities doesn’t
mind me using his name. He brought me a
Martin Guitar to look at. Let’s be
honest. It might be the nicest guitar
out here at camp. He didn’t think it
actually needed anything. But I sat
down, and performed a number of adjustments on his guitar. I’ll tell you this. I made it play much, much better.
RD: What did it need done to it specifically?
AL: Like every guitar I see, it needed the neck
straightened out in the worst way. Once
I did that, it brought the strings down to a comfortable playing level. It also needed new strings.
RD: What’s the most difficult repair you’ve
performed out here?
AL: I repaired a Martin DX series that had the
back coming off of it. I managed to glue
it back together, and set it up properly.
Once I put new strings on that guitar was insanely loud for an
acoustic. It really surprised me.
But the real
trick in repairing a guitar is leaving no marks. Sure anyone could glue the back to the sides,
but will they leave clamp marks? Will
they leave excess glue? Will they leave
divots in the wood? A great luthier will
be able to make a guitar appear that it’s never had a repair. I was able to make that guitar look flawless.
RD: What’s the one request you’ve gotten the
most?
AL: Of all the things, the question I’ve been repeatedly
asked is “What is the best way to install a set of strings?”
RD: Really?
AL: Yeah, there is an art to it. I’ve showed quite a number of staffers the
right way to put on strings.
RD: How is there a right way?
AL: The trick is putting on enough string on the
tuner so that it won’t slip off, but not too much to where it won’t go out of
tune when the guitar tuner is being turned.
RD: Is there any message you would like to pass
on to the Philmont staff?
AL: Absolutely.
I realize we have a lot of guitar players in the backcountry. If they want to stop by and have me look at
their instruments, I’d be happy to.
RD: Where can you be reached?
AL: I’m in the Hardesty Casa Building. If you are facing the building look all the
way to the right. You’ll see a door that
says Base Camp Manager. That’s my
office. Or, if you want to call me, my
Philmont extension is 1216. Leave a
message and I’ll call you back when I can.
RD: Is there a good time to visit you?
AL: I’m working with my crew in the mornings and
afternoons. So if you see my light on in
my office at night, come on over. I’ll
be happy to help you.
RD: Thanks for sitting down with us.
AL: Thanks for having me. I’m always glad to help.
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