I look at life a bit differently, and like to post my weird thoughts. I like musicial instrument repair and woodworking. For trying to live a somewhat normal life, a lot of weird things happen to me. Instead of putting up with it, I post about it in this blog.
When I was a young boy my Mother had a few rules for me. Not just the usual ones like "don't pick your nose" and "don't fight with your Sister." No, I'm talking the kind of rules that will get you disowned and thrown out of the house kind of rules. If I wanted to live under Mom's roof there were three rules that could never be broken.
Rule 1. No Motorcycles.
Honestly, and I'm not making this up, I didn't even ride a bicycle until I was 12. I never even had my own bicycle until I was in my twenties. My Mother was totally against motorcycles for many reasons. First, anytime you ever heard about a motorcycle accident the rider ended up as road pizza. She didn't want me either dead or in a coma. Also, I don't think she wanted me to "associate" with the motorcycle crowd. And to this day I have never owned a motorcycle.
Rule 2. No Tattoos.
I guess you have to remember the era where my Mother came from. Only really bad criminals had tattoos. Heck, even back in the 60's, a woman couldn't get hired as a stripper if she had a tattoo. Yes, only the most delinquent persons of society had tattoos on their skin.
While she was telling me all of this she made sure to let me know exactly how tattoos are done. You have to imagine her telling a little kid all of this. She asked me how I liked getting shots at the Doctor's office? I told her that I really didn't like them. She made sure to let me know that to put a tattoo on someone they used a machine that rammed a needle repeatedly into their skin. Did that sound like fun to me? Guess what, no it didn't. And to this day I have no tattoos.
Rule 3. No Banjos.
It's true. My Mother hates the banjo. It has such a bright and annoying twang that it's like nails on a chalkboard to her. And while I have two cellos, a number of guitars, I have never owned a banjo. I have worked on them. I have even played them in music shops. But I have never owned one, and never will. It's not that I don't want to own one. It's just that Mama said.
As I am dating someone with American Indian roots, the subject of spirit guides came up. I made the comment that everyone seems to have uber cool spirit guides like wolves, eagles, and bears, but no one has regular or boring animals for their guides. I mean, has anyone actually even seen a wolf now a days? Is the only thing that someone might have in common with a wolf might be that they wolf down Mickey D's burgers on a regular basis?
So the comment was thrown at me, "Okay smart guy. What are your spirit guides." And to that I said, "I'm glad you asked."
The Penguin
First and foremost, my main spirit guide is a penguin. Here's the rundown on the penguin as a spirit guide:
Fatherhood;
understanding of feminine energy; waking dreams; astral projection; patience;
endurance; lucid dreaming; teaches grace in emotions and actions; paying
attention to dreams, thoughts and ideals; Fasting. Sacrifice. Abdication.
Self-discipline. Self-mastery. Self-maintenance. Territory. Aesthetic
Appearance. Water Mastery. Air Mastery. Uncommon Grace. Earth Resistance. Primal
Heartbeat. Self-Confidence. Specialization. Adaptation. Dreams. Slipping Between
Worlds. Purpose. Determination. Etiquette. Black and White.
Fatherhood in the fact that I like taking care of pets. I did work in a few pet shops. That was a lot of animals to take care of.
I am good about day dreaming. In fact, I do a good amount of sleeping/daydreaming/dreaming.
I gotta agree with with the aesthetic appearance. I have a bunch of brightly colored shirts, so I am kind of concerned with that.
All the negative things, well I'd have to agree with all of them. Especially the bad eyesight.
What I don't agree with.
Understanding of feminine energy. I am bad at girls. That is all I have to say about that.
Uncommon grace. No one will agree with that.
Fasting? Look at my belly. I haven't missed a meal in a while.
Patience? Um, yeah... not my thing.
Armadillo:
My next spirit guide would be the Armadillo.
Armadillo's Wisdom Includes:
Understanding your personal boundary
Respecting the boundaries of others
Carrying your protection with you at all times
Understanding your vulnerabilities
Empathy
Discrimination
The main power behind the armadillo is boundaries. I gotta say that I agree with that. I am kind of rigid when it comes to boundaries. I can also ball up and keep my feelings closed off from everyone. I did tend to keep personal things from others, including my family.
I may or may not agree with the empathy thing. With close friends and relatives I can be very empathetic. But to people I don't know, I can be a little .... shall we say, off putting.
The Dung Beetle:
My next spirit guide is a little odd. It's the dung beetle. I know most people would say, "Ew!" But in Egypt it is called the Scarab Beetle. It's very important in their culture.
The Egyptians believed that the scarab beetle
represented their sun god, Ra. Ra was the Egyptian god who rolled the sun across
the sky and buried it each night.
Dung Beetle's Wisdom Includes:
Connection to spherical power
Ability to move heavy objects
Persistence
Reemergence/resurrection
Spontaneous generation
I'm not sure if I have a connection to spherical power, but I did move a lot of heavy objects in my younger days. In fact, I feel that I have had a heavy burden on me my whole life. Some things more mental than physical. Although, I do agree with persistence being a feature of mine. I also agree that spontaneous generation comes through in my writing of music. Of all my spirit guides, I may relate closer to the dung beetle than I thought.
Chameleons:
I would have to say that the next spirit guide found me. For those who don't know my Chameleon Dave "found" me when he was crossing Sunset Blvd. here in Lutz. Read how Dave came to me in this blog:
Chameleon teaches how to show true colors of the self in your environment and in your sincere emotional nature. Quickness, sharpness in endeavors. Shows how to be tough on the outside with emotional/spiritual/mental armor along with facing one's fear. The mind and intellect can be used for defensive purposes in which Chameleon will show how to strike when necessary with discernment and patience paired w/ intuition. This animal shows a talent of adaptability to the environment and surroundings. Are you easily influenced by others, perhaps it's time to speak your mind? Do you absorb too much from others, maybe it is time to learn proper defenses? Chameleon can teach the art of sensitivity and independence to master changes of the mind, body and spirit. Demonstrates rejuvenation time. Listen carefully to your intuition and inner sight.
There are different types of spirit guides. There are those who you reflect, and there are those who teach. I think the chameleon is one that teaches what I should become. I have trouble with my inner thoughts and emotions becoming an outer problem. I have had trouble adapting to new things, places, and surroundings. The chameleon is a good teacher for me to learn to go with plan B. I think the chameleon will help me get my act together.
So that's my spirit guides so far. Maybe as I get older a few more will find their way to me. Maybe some of the old ones will send me new messages. Hopefully I will find myself a little older and wiser.
The following is the absolute truth. Something that has not been told until now. A gigantic white lie has been told in it's place. That is, until now.
This story starts years ago. It's starts with a morning out duck hunting. Dad and I went to Cockroach Bay, and shot 3 blue and/or green wing teal. I'm a little fuzzy on the details, but I remember we brought back three teal.
To get home we would take I-75 North to the last Tampa exit which was Fletcher Ave. As we would drive West on Fletcher Ave we would pass Lettuce Lake Park. That's where the real story begins.
You see, Dad and I were talking about all sorts of various things, mostly baseball, the outdoors, and hunting. Dad was in the middle of a sentence when this happened. Dad was saying something like, "Blah, blah, blah, AND THAT WAS FUCKING WOOD DUCK!!!!"
He then proceeded to swing the truck into the left lane, and then into a left hand turn lane. He did all of this in one motion from the right hand lane, mind you, with the truck pulling our duck hunting boat. He then went back East, and did another U turn. He drove on the shoulder of the road where he pulled up to a dead wood duck on the side of the road.
As he was driving he proceeded to tell me he saw a wood duck on the side of the road, and it looked like it was in perfect condition. So I jumped out of the truck with a towel in my hand just in case it was a bloody mess. I picked it up and it was perfect. Perfect. It had amazing colors, and not one feather was missing. It seems that it lived at the Park, and was either flying/walking near the road when it got hit by a car. It was stiff, so that meant it was a few hours dead, most probably hit during the early morning. However, it only had two ants on it, so that let me know that it hadn't been there long.
I brought it up to Dad, and showed him how good a shape the duck was in. I was very careful with it, and put it into the freezer as soon as I got home. We wanted to get it mounted, but we had to get Mom's approval as taxidermy is expensive. So we told her a little white lie. We had just come back from duck hunting right? We had three teal, and one wood duck. We had 4 wood duck decoys right? So it stood to reason that the Wood Duck went to the Wood Duck decoys, and I shoot it, right? That makes perfect sense. So that's what we told Mom. She was more than happy to okay us getting the duck mounted.
We took it to our world famous taxidermist, Gene Dobbs. He said of all the Wood Ducks he had seen, that one was the second best one that had come across his desk. He got it done in a quick amount of time which was nice. As famous as he was, he always had a backlog of work. But he decided one day to do every duck he had, as he was getting behind in his work, so the Wood Duck got done early.
And now for the moment of truth, or should I say, moment of proof. Here's the pictures of the Wood Duck.
I have this friend by the name of "M." It seems his birthday is coming up. One of the things he likes to do in his spare time is stand up comedy. So his girlfriend "Dee Dee" wants all his friends to throw him a roast for his birthday. For those who don't know, a "roast" is when a bunch of comics get together, and rag on/ make jokes about their friend. The other thing about a roast is that, the comics also make fun of the other comics/guests at the roast.
This left me to thinking... Since I am a friend I would be invited to this roast. And it also made me think.... I would get to roast M. And then, I would not only get to roast M, but everyone else. And thus, the ultimate thought would be that I would get to be completely unfiltered. And let's be honest, my unfiltered thoughts are much like the pictures in my blog.
Honestly, I am filtering about 80% of my thoughts all the time. I'd hate to think what would happen if they were unleashed upon an exsuspecting crowd. Heck, even an expecting crowd would be equally impressed/offended by my stand up.
That's the one thing that Dee Dee didn't think ahead. As M's girlfriend she would be a main target. And I gotta admit that I've already got a few jokes in mind. And that's the funny thing. I don't have many for M yet, but boy do I have a few zingers for Dee Dee. In all fairness she gives a comic a lot of ammo. She's a former stripper/ webcam "model" with 16 tattoos. And that's not to mention all the rings in her head/tongue, etc. And then when you actually get to meet her, you can get a whole lot more zingers come to your head.
The idea is to hold the roast at the independent coffee shop we all go. This would be a great place to make fun of. I can make fun of the menu, items, overpriced drinks and things. I would also be able to make fun of the groups that meet there. Namely vegetarians, Green Party, and persons going through gender reassignment surgery. Really, the place is Rush Limbaugh's worst nightmare.
So then I got to thinking, there are other people to make fun of too. The owner Kay is a lesbian and her partner Mand are a great couple to make fun of. Mainly because they are quite a bit different from each other. There would be a great opportunity to make all the power roles in their relationship. And of course I would get to use the words bulldyke, powerdyke, and fisting.
There's a guy who works part time at the coffee house is an openly gay man named B.M. I think he kind of likes me in a more than platonic way. He's a really nice guy, but I'm sure there are quite a few jokes I could tell about him trading me tea for sexual favors.
There is an amazing person that I met at the coffee house. His name is J. and he was born premature. He was not supposed to live, but he made it. He has M.S. but a lot of people think he is retarded. He's not, but he has the speech impediment, and rough walk that makes people think he is. Despite all the crap he has endured, he has become an amazing person. He is also surprisingly gay. So there is a lot to have fun with except one thing. He has endured so much ridicule in his life that he can't take a joke or insult, even if that is the norm with a roast. I would have a few things to razz him about, but only if he wasn't there.
A lot of M's friends come on game night. One night I was there I heard them arguing over Pokemon facts. I didn't know them, but I wanted to comment on what total virgins they were. So that's a definite when holding a roast.
There's also a woman, I'll call her "S." who hosts a comedy workshop. She would be a great one to poke fun at. I already have a good one lined up in that, I'm not sure if she's a lesbian, straight, bi, or just playing hard to get.
The funny thing is that M is totally against this idea of a roast. He thinks that a roast is only for people at the height of their genius. Since he is an amatuer comic he thinks he is undeserving of a roast. I kinda like the idea since it's an after hours/ only between friends sort of thing. I hope he goes through with it, but I understand if this doesn't happen.
I like writing this blog. It's the perfect format for me. Twitter and Facebook posts are too short for my stories, and full hardcover books are too long. So for me, having a blog is perfect for my short story format. But there was one other thing that I was interested in writing. That would be a kid's storybook. They are mostly 30-60 pages, and have wonderful artwork. That kind of falls into my format that I already been producing for 350 blogs.
So now. What do I write about? An idea came to me when I was talking to my former girlfriend Roxy (not her real name.) We had adopted a Guinea pig together, and shared a love for the adorable creatures.
So one night when I was doing my usual weird thoughts/ storytelling I started telling about how there was once a really great guy by the name of Farmer Adrian. He raised Sheepie Pigs. Which lead to the question, "What's a sheepie pig?"
Well, it's a giant guinea pig the size of a sheep, and has the white fluffy coat of a sheep. Farmer Adrian would raise them, and in the springtime shave their exotic wool for money and goods. Anyway, I got the, "Awwwww!!!!" from Roxy. And think about it, sheepie pigs would be a great idea. Half guinea pig/ half sheep/ 200% cuteness. Everyone would love sheepie pigs, and they would be great at petting zoos.
Then I learned something great. There are giant guinea pigs in real life. They are called Capybaras.
When they are adults, they can weight from 75 to 150 pounds. They like to live in groups so they would be great for having in herds.
So think about this. If we take the cuteness of a guinea pig/ capybara....
Plus the hairiness, and overall cuteness of a sheep....
You get the double cuteness of a sheepie pig!
But then comes the next part of the book. What is the story about? All kids books should have a lesson, so what should the lesson be about? I was thinking something about hard work, since working on a farm is hard work. But do most kids even know about farms and farm work these days? It might be good in one way to tell them about farm work since they don't know about it, but then it could also make the book a little bit unrelateable and unclear.
But the funny thing about children's books is that, there are quite a few of them. In fact, remember when it was en vogue for all the celebrities to write a children's book? Heck, even Madonna got in on the act. So, I know I would have to view it as a hobby, and not really get my hopes up about getting it published. It would have to be a fun side project.
At least it's fun to think about. It's also a fun tale to tell small children when they request a story. In the end it's a fun and more importantly, G-rated story for kids.
I got new fish today. I know this is not a big deal to some people, but it is to me. You see, I have had Tetras the last 20 years. Today I decided to get something different. I decided to get Gouramis. In my younger days I did not like gouramis. Namely because one big male gourami bullied my favorite fish, Elizabeth (a Mollie) at the fishtank at school. Really, the gouramis need more room than the 20 gallon tank that was at school.
So now I have six new gouramis in my 46 gallon Eurotank. They seem to be enjoying the new tank. I have made sure to have plenty of rocks and plants for hiding places. The fish tend to get along better that way. I also changed the light bulbs as the old ones were getting really faded.
So I took pictures, and made an Independent film about these new fish. I hope you enjoy them.
And here is my Independent film, "Life of Gourami."
She is one of the worst human beings that I have ever encountered. She is also responsible for my expulsion from Chamberlain High. You could say I still harbor some bitter feelings about that. She was always on my case for one reason or another. Seriously, she once suspended me for one day for cursing. Really, one day. She didn't give me detention or even Saturday detention. No, she suspended me for one day.
Before you think that I had to really stalk her to get that photo of her listen to this. I just typed her name into google image, and that popped right up at the top. It weren't that hard. Besides that is her photo from the Hillsborough County School website.
But back to the point. I think I knew that she was going to find a way to get rid of me somehow. In the end she pulled this stunt to get my "special assignment" to Chamberlain canceled, so it automatically sent me back to King Sr. High. So before I was kicked out I took a piece of Chamberlain with me. That would be the Chamberlain High Library door handle.
You see, one Fall day in 1992, during lunch me and my friend (redacted) were walking to the library. When I grabbed the handle it partially came out. Me and my friend walked in the library, but the only thing on my mind was that door handle. I said, "(redacted), I've got to have that door handle." I went out, put my foot against the door, grabbed the handle, and pulled straight out. To my surprise it came right out. That's when (redacted) almost fell on the ground he was laughing so hard. I stashed it in my bag, and brought it home.
When I transferred to King Sr. High I showed my trophy off to some of my new friends. They were impressed/ amused/ scared to death. Really, you might have had to know me back then. The Chamberlain Library Door Handle was even kept in the Football Coach's office for a good luck charm. We took it on the road when we played Chamberlain. Of course, we lost that game, and only went 3-7 during the season so that only proves that it made a better trophy than it did a good luck charm.
Fast forward many years. When I was cleaning out my room with the help of my former girlfriend "Roxy" (not her real name) she came across the Chamberlain Library Door Handle. She asked me what it was, and why did I have it. When my first words were, "It's the Chamberlain Library Door Handle," she looked like she just swallowed a live fish. I then proceeded to tell her the story I have just printed here. I think she was just at that point where she thought nothing else I could do would surprise her. And then I drop an ACME safe on her head.
So here it is Jan. 1st. 2013. That means it just flipped 20 years and a few months since I liberated the Chamberlain Library Door Handle as a personal trophy. At this point I'm sure the statute of limitations has run out. And Tuggle? Well she has moved up the Hillsborough County School System ladder quite nicely it seems. I wonder if she may have some words for me at the Chamberlain High School Class of 1994 reunion in a few years? I may have a few words for her. And in my hand? You guessed it. The Chamberlain Library Door Handle.
