The Whitest Girl Coffee You Know

So when I was on vacation someone (most likely me) had the bright idea that we should get Starbucks coffee.  I was like, "Yeah, let's do this!  LEE ROY JENKINS!!!!!!"  But then came the problem that had never happened to me.  I didn't feel like ordering tea.  You see, I had gotten some bad tea earlier in the week, and I just didn't want tea. 

Since it's a coffee place I thought, "Let me order some coffee.  But what coffee should I order?  I've never ordered coffee from Starbucks before." 

So I said to the barista taking my order, "MAKE ME THE WHITEST GIRL COFFEE YOU KNOW!!!!!"  So she made me an iced white chocolate mocha latte. 

At first, I felt my inner white girl come out.

Then, I felt like Mario when he has caught a star, and suddenly is invincible.

Suddenly, everything became possible, and I understood the power of my inner white girl.

I'll be honest, I'm terrible at foreign languages, so I'm not exactly sure what encompasses the "Starbucks language."  But, I'm glad they know what I'm saying.

So after I had this wonderful drink, I decided that I needed more.  So I drank some of my Sister's drink.  (I did ask before I drank it.)  That was when I finally understood why Modest Mouse's song "Dashboard" was so groovy and hyper.

I thought, "Hey!  I can really get some stuff accomplished!  Let's go do something!  Anything!  Something!  Anything!"  But no one wanted to do anything but head back to Grandma's house.  So we headed back to Grandma's house, and I listened to Modest Mouse in my head. 

How Do I Woo That Special Gal Without Being Seen As A Stalker?

I suck at girls.  I admit it.  I have no earthly idea how to connect with them.  Trying to learn about girls is like learning math, and then having to play by English language rules.  It just does not make sense.  About six years ago I wrote one of my better blogs entitled, "Everything I Learned About Dating I Learned From The Video Game Fable."

Here it is:

http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2011/02/everything-i-learned-about-dating-i.html

But learning the art of wooing takes more than practice on a video game.  I got out of my last relationship over a year and a half ago.  I've only been on one date since then.  And to be honest, it wasn't the worst, but it was kind of uncomfortable.  It felt more like an interrogation than a date.  I felt a little more shell-shocked than happy.

But let's talk about wooing.

Well, maybe not that kind of wooing....

So there's this gal I've known for a few years.  She's the girl all the bad guys want.  I'll call her "Mary."  (Not her real name.)  I finally got my courage up and decided to ask her out.  But then things started to take a comic turn.

1.  Now I have to find out if Mary is seeing anyone.  I go down to the coffee shop where everyone I know hangs out.  I ask her best friend if Mary is seeing anyone.  He says that there was no one he knew of.

2.  So that's great.  Onto part two.  Now I have to conveniently "bump" into her.  So I go to the coffee shop on a Monday, (that's when everyone is usually there) so I can commence with the "bumping."  But of course, she's not there. 

3.  So I ask her friend (the same one from earlier) if I can get her phone number from him.  He says that Mary is really weird about that sort of thing, and he can't do it.  He does say that I should try her on Facebook IM.  But to be honest, I have tried to write her before, and she never really writes back. 

4.  But I decide to IM her anyway.  I try to be as non-creepy as I can.  I say, "Hey Mary, can I give you a call, or you could call me?  I just want to talk."  She didn't write back.  Admittedly, there's no good way to ask for a number without arousing some suspicion.  So I couldn't blame her.

5.  So two days later I write her.  I say,   "Hey, let's just have some dinner.  I hear they're doing great things with Chipotle these days."

6.  She does write me back.  (Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  She says that too much is going on in her life right now, and she couldn't get involved with anyone right now.  (Oh poo.)

7.  So I write her back, and let her know that the offer is open for a while, and when her life slows down enough, I would love to take her to dinner. 

So that happened.  But now what do I do?  I talked to my friend Nick about it.  Yes, Supervan Nick.  Nick has women throwing themselves at him.  The problem is, he's never really had to work hard at this like I do.  He barely gets words out before women dive right at him. 

But I needed advice, so I explained everything to him.  He said, "You have to woo her, man!"

But what does that mean anymore?  Is it okay to take a peek through her Facebook page?  I mean, we've been Facebook friends for a few years.  Do I bring her chocolate and flowers?  That might a bit over the top. 

Do I happen to stop by her place with a boom box?

No.  No one would agree that's a good idea.

I remember in grade school when "secret admirers where all the rage.

But it's not such a secret anymore is it?  I mean, anything that would happen "from a secret admirer" would immediately be linked to me.  And honestly, I don't want a restraining order filed against me. 

What to do?  What to do?  What to do?  Do I give her space, and wait a few months?  How much asking out is too much?  I guess the best thing to do is get more advice from a few friends.  Like I said, a bunch of us all hang out in the same place, and we all know each other.  So maybe they will have some insight.  But then again, this could all get much weirder, and I'll end up writing a second part to this blog post. 

Beyonce, I Hate To Break It To You, But....

So I was minding my own business in my living room, when a family member played a song I had never heard before.  This is not unusual since I don't listen to Top 40, there a ton of songs that are popular that I have never heard.  Anyway, my family member was going to see "Pitch Perfect 2" and wanted to know all the songs they were singing.  So she looked them up on Youtube to listen to them.

The song I had heard about, but had actually never heard was Beyoncé's "Run The World (Girls)."  This is the song:

For those who are unfamiliar with Beyoncé, here she is:

Also, this:

But I digress.  The main point of the song was that girls rule the world.

My first thought was that song was pretty disingenuous.  I mean, it seems like it's just pandering to 10 year old girls, if not an outright lie.

That got me to thinking.  If she was being more truthful, you know who she would say runs the world?  Old white men.

I mean, isn't this part of the problem in raising kids these days?  We have helicopter parents who have their little Prince and Princesses who think they are the center of the universe.  So then you have a song that reinforces that by telling a bunch of pre-teen girls they run the world.  That's just setting them up for failure when they realize they are going to get paid 77 cents on the dollar that men do.

You know who else I am told runs the world?  The Jews.

Ah yes, the Jews.  Responsible for everything going wrong for the past 6000 years.  For such a small percentage of the population they sure seem to get a lot of flak.  But they can't be worse than, the worst of the bunch.  The bunch that really controls the world.  That of course goes to The Illuminati.

Ah yes, the Illuminati.  I have written about them before.  Take a peek here:

http://angjellockheart.blogspot.com/2014/01/satanic-dancing-and-illuminati.html

I still haven't quite figured out what they are trying to do, but I am 77% sure that they control something in some way.  What it is, I have no idea.  But my main point is, it's better that Beyoncé let girls know that the Illuminati run the world much more than girls ever will. 

Although I will say that the Illuminati obviously don't have control over the Top 40.  Otherwise, crap like this wouldn't make it on the charts.