The Dark Side of the Pet Store

During much of my college years I worked in various pet stores.  At first it seemed like the perfect job.  I loved animals, and didn't mind the day to day hard work taking care of them.  However, life is not perfect, fair, or equal.  And not all pet shops are equal, even within chain stores. Here are pets shops' biggest lies that you don't know about.

Fish.

I recently read a George Carlin quote.  "Half the people you meet are dumb, and the other half of all people are dumber than that."  That's the truth when it comes to people who try to own fish tanks.  What ultimately made me quit working in pet shops forever was that, I figured about 80% of all the fish I sold were dead on arrival.  

One reason pet stores ask for a person to bring a water sample in is so they can prove to them that they don't know what they are doing.  Whenever I would ask someone, "How often do you clean your fish tank?"  I was met with a blank stare.  It was either, "What do you mean?" Or, "I change the filter pads once a month."  

It seems no one knew that they actually had to perform water changes.  I had one guy bring in a water sample.  The short version is this.  I would add chemical drops to the water sample.  If the water was clear it was great.  If it was pink it was acceptable.  If it was a dark pink then there was trouble.  The sample turned blood red.  I'm not kidding.  I asked him, "How are your fish still alive?"

My boss was nice enough to step in, and suggest he empty the entire tank out, and start new.  There was no way he was going to clean it up with simple water changes.  I was almost getting pretty angry.  Again, I had never seen anything like it.  

The other thing that made me angry was people always wanting to mix different types of fish with each other.  No, it doesn't work like that.  Again, you can sometimes get away with "community fish" if you have a big enough tank.  Most people don't.  And then I would have to explain that ciclids would destroy anything and everything in the tank that's not another ciclid.  

I had one woman that myself and another co-worker spent 10 minutes trying to explain that nothing can go into a tank with African ciclids besides other African ciclids.  After 10 minutes she said, "So how about I put (I think it was mollies) in with them?"  I just screamed, "No!  They will tear them apart!"  That's when I grabbed a manager to deal with her.  I was at the end of my rope.

One lady who I can only refer to as a "Nutter-Butter" was asking about fish tank lights.  I started to explain what we all learned in high school science about the light spectrum.  She had no idea what I was talking about.  She couldn't get past the "The light is white.  What do you mean light has other colors?"  Again, I had to grab a manager to deal with her.  

When she left he looked at me and half jokingly screamed, "Dude, why did you pass her off to me?  Oh man!  Never do that to me again!"  Yeah, she was dumber than two rocks fucking.  Obviously someone didn't pass high school science.  

Then there are the people who cram way too many fish into a fish tank.  One woman brought me a water sample.  It was okay, but she kept losing fish.  After about 15 minutes I asked her, "Well just how many fish do you have?"  She had 26 tetras in a 20 gallon tank.  I told her nicely that was too many, and it was stressing them out.  She didn't believe me.  

For those who have never read any of my blogs before, I know it may sound like I'm on my high horse about fish tanks.  So I will post a few photos of my personal tank from over the last 10 years or so.  That way you can see I know what I'm talking about. 

Feeder Fish.

Feeder Goldfish are already brought into the store diseased and in bad shape.  Then the tank is insanely overcrowded.  There is no possible way to clean the tank the way it should be.  But the tank never gets cleaned anyway so don't worry about that.  Most of the time the feeder goldfish are never fed because many employees figure, "What's the point?  They're just going to get eaten anyway."  I'd hate to tell you how many dead ones I'd scoop out in the morning.

The Morning Fish Tank Routine.

Then there is the fact that store employees have to take care of so many fish.  I worked at a pet shop that had 162 fish tanks.  Think about that.  Do you know how long it takes to go through the tanks, make sure everything is working, feed the fish their correct food, scoop out the dead ones, and do whatever needs done?  It takes a long time.

But as an employee you don't have a long time.  You have other animals to take care of.  What needs to be done never actually gets done.  There is never enough time or employees to take care of everything.

The Reptile Room.

In order not to scare customers reptiles usually have their own room.  But employees are people too, and half of them won't go near the reptiles.  Snakes only need to be fed once a week usually, but who is supposed to feed them?  Everyone is working different schedules so the reptiles don't get fed like they should.

Let's say you love dogs and cats right?  Who doesn't?  Well, since you now work in a pet store you have to feed everything.  That includes the scorpions and tarantulas.  Do you think you could do that on a daily basis?  I could.  That's why I always got stuck taking care of the reptile room.   

I had a great manager that made sure to purchase real vegetables for all the iguanas we had.  When that boss was fired the new boss didn't want to waste money on real food for the iguanas.  He had us feed them the dehydrated stuff from the can.  But the iguanas were used to real food and wouldn't eat the canned stuff.  So they slowly starved to death.  

Between two different pet shops that carried iguanas I'd have to say their casualties were dang near 95%.  I wondered why we even carried them at all?  Again, I saw so much death working at pet stores.  But I'm most haunted by the fish and the iguanas.  

Feeder Mice and Rats.

Did you know that if you don't keep enough water in a feeder mice cage they will tear each other from limb to limb?  We would fill the water bottles every day, but every once in a while one would break.  When that would happen the mice/rats would go zombie apocalypse on each other.  

Hamsters and Gerbils.

I don't understand why these creatures are considered "pets?"  Hamsters will bite the living snot out of you.  Gerbils will just do their best to escape and die in a corner of the house.  Why they are given to small children I have no idea.  Here are some of the lowlights I've had dealing with hamsters and gerbils.

I sold a family a hamster.  Two hours later they show back up with a dead hamster.  I didn't ask any questions.  I didn't make a face or say anything.  Hell, I didn't even mess with the cash register.  I just grabbed another hamster, tossed it in a box, and gave it to them.  

Since they are rodents, they breed like crazy.  When a female hamster has babies the other hamsters will tear them limb from limb.  In terms of nature it doesn't seem to make sense, but hey, such is life in a pet store.  Oh, and no I don't plan on showing that photo on this blog.  I'm sure it would violate multiple terms of service here on Blogger.

Crickets.

You have to feed all those reptiles right?  What better way to feed them any with annoying insects who make a shitload of noise and smell awful.  1,000 of them would be delivered in a crate.  So you had to carefully take the crate apart over your giant in house cricket box.

Of course, in any pet store crickets get all over the place.  I mean, they get everywhere.  If you see a loose one you have to kill it.  You don't want to feed it to any of the reptiles in case the cricket wandered into poison.  So even if you don't deal with the reptile room you still have to deal with bugs.  Lots and lots of bugs.

Birds.

Truly the bane of my existence at pet shops were the birds.  In all fairness we received them when they were still babies.  They needed to be raised by their parents longer.  The one store that had 162 fish tanks also had over 300 birds.  At least 50 of them were big birds in cages.  They were not happy about being there, and had no problems taking your fingers off.  

Birds were meant to fly free in the outdoors.  They are not a caged pet.  They never will be.  Of all the animals in the pet shop, I always thought that birds should not be there.  Most are just too feral to actually be a pet.  I know a lot of people will disagree with me, but again, I had to feed/take care of 300 birds in a short time before the store opened.  

Ferrets.

It's a weasel.  Just no.  They were a hot item back when "Kindergarten Cop" came out, but their popularity has weened since then.  They require a lot of special care or else they flat out die.  

Rabbits and Guinea Pigs.

They are classic pets.  I know they get bought for kids, and kids end up treating them like a toy.  Eventually kids get tired of "the toy", and then Mommy and Daddy have to decide what to do with their pet.  A lot of times it doesn't end well.  

Dogs.

I worked at one pet shop that sold pure bred dogs.  That wasn't such a big deal in 1996, but today animal rights folks are clamping down.  The owners of that pet shop were fairly good people.  I had my disagreements with them, but I think overall they meant well.  

They actually traveled to the breeders they bought the dogs from to inspect the place.  The dogs came from two different places.  I remember one of them being out in Kansas.  But no matter how nice a place a breeder might be running, the animals are only there for one purpose.  That's to spit out litter after litter.  I don't know what kind of life that is for a dog.  

I looked over most of the pure bred papers for the dogs.  The problem I noticed, was that, so many were inbred.  They would have the same Grandmother or Grandfather on both sides of the family.  The small poofy, poodle-like dogs were all dumb as rocks.  Again, they were bred for looks and not smarts.  

Cats.

Honestly, I never saw the difference between a pure bred cat and a cat that could be adopted from a shelter.  They were all, well, just cats.  Cats have their own personality despite what breed they are.  The biggest problem I had with customers, was that, they would buy the smallest cutest kitten despite it's personality.  

We had one cat at the store who was there for nine months.  He was already big when he came in, so he wasn't "cute."  I named him, "Bob.  Bob the Cat."  I taught him to ride around on my shoulder while I walked around the store.  He was that cool.  I was actually able to teach Bob a few tricks.  I really liked him.  But he was a Persian cat with long black hair that would make me sneeze.  He did go to a nice home.  I didn't sell him, but I was there when he was finally sold.

Customers.

I had a boss once tell me, "The customer is always right!"  I've dealt with customers for many years, and you know what?  Most of the time they don't know what they are talking about.  Do you know the worst type of customer we had at pet stores?  I bet you wouldn't even think of this.

We would receive a frantic phone call from someone saying, "My pet is sick!  Can you tell me what to do?"  I would then try to explain that I am not a veterinarian, and they should take their pet to one.  Guess what was said to me after that?  It usually wasn't anything too nice.

Here's the story that still sticks out in my mind.  This woman was a Karen.  A complete and total Karen.  This was before the term Karen became popular, but looking back she was one.  I was in the middle of helping a customer when she half swings/half slams the front door open.  She started screaming that, "Her son's rabbit was sick and she needed help!!!"

I went over to try to help her.  The rabbit wasn't moving.  It looked dead to me.  I picked it up, and it continued not to move.  After a minute or so it jerked like it was in the middle of a death rattle.  I looked it over and couldn't find an injury. 

It was then I pushed it's lips apart to look at it's teeth.  The teeth were so long they wouldn't let the rabbit eat.  I immediately yelled something at her.  I can't remember what.  But I said, "This rabbit hasn't had anything to chew on has it?  Didn't you have a wood block for it to chew on?  It needs to work its teeth down!  This rabbit is starved!"  

She then said something like, "The rabbit was in her 5 year old son's room.  She hadn't been watching it."  My immediate thought was, "You son probably can't even wipe his own ass, and you are putting him in control of a rabbit?  What kind of mother are you?"  

I told the woman I wasn't a vet.  She needed to take the rabbit to the vet.  I know she wasn't going to do that.  I knew that was one dead rabbit.  She left in a huff.  But seriously, what kind of people say, "My pet is sick!  I know!  I'll call the pet store!"  

The Pet Store Workers.

I do want to say some of the best human beings I've ever met in my life have worked in pet stores.  They gave so much for so little.  They (including me) were completely underpaid, overworked, and treated like crap from the corporate office.  I still can't go into a Pet Supermarket unless I need a special kind of fish medicine.  I'm still horrified by how we were treated.

Stocking.

It's not all about animal care.  You have to move product.  Or more specifically, if the store doesn't move product the manager is fired, and a more cut throat manager takes his or her place.  That store has to move some serious dog and cat food.  The big dog food bags are 20 or 40 pounds a piece.  The 5 pound bags come grouped in sets of 8 or 10 meaning the combined bag will weigh 40 or 50 pounds.

The truck delivers the stock weekly.  If you sell 100 bags of 40 pound dog food that is 4,000 pounds of dog food that need to be rotated and stocked.  Then you have to do the same for all the 20 pound bags.  Guess what?  The cat food bags are next.  Everything needs to be stocked by the end of the day.

You might end up moving 10,000 pounds of combined dog and cat food that day.  Oh, and because you are in a hurry you grab two 40 pounders at a time.  When moving the 20 pound bags you move three at a time.  How many times can you lift 80 or 60 pounds repeatedly?

Don't forget this.  What goes in must come out.  Kitty litter boxes come in 20, 30, and 40 pound boxes.  Are you able to grab a 40 pounder in each hand off the pallet, carry it over to where it needs to be stocked, and then do that repeatedly?  I worked with a lot of women during my time at pet stores, but the ones who were 120 pounds didn't last.  In all fairness, trying to repeatedly life 2/3rd of your body weight is pretty much impossible for anyone.  

Conclusion.

I had a friend whose parents were veterinarians.  He said if you loved animals never become a vet.  He didn't know how many cats he had put down in his life.  Again, the numbers just seemed to weigh on his shoulders.  That's exactly how I felt working at pet stores.  Day in and day out the death toll was jus too heavy for my shoulders.

I realize that most employees who work in pet stores today are just like I was years ago.  Back then, I was in college.  Things were looking up.  I looked forward to working at a pet store.  But then, reality hit.  For those persons who want to put in an application at a pet store, please heed my warnings.  It's like combining the hard labor of working on a farm with being a customer service representative.

The hours are long and hard.  You are usually covered in pee, poo, and or fish tank water at the end of the day.  Your knuckles and fingers are bleeding due to being bitten by birds and rodents.  You don't get paid squat because the boss receives 100 applications a week from people that "Just love animals!"

Do I even have to mention the kinds of customers you get?  Sure you'll get the nice old lady with the miniature poodle, but you'll also deal with all sorts of weirdness.  Just think about it before you consider working at a pet shop.  You'll be glad you did.

New (Old) Guitar Pedal Day: DOD Mystic Blues Overdrive

Back in 1998 I worked for Sam Ash.  I was new to learning to play the guitar, and Sam Ash was a great place to learn about the musical world.  I was still acquiring basic gear so I had to be very choosy as to what I bought.  Not to mention I didn't have a huge amount of disposable income.

One of the hardest things I had to learn was terminology.  When I bought my first amplifier I looked for the distortion setting.  After having the amp blast me out I wondered, "What the cold Hell does "gain" have to do with distortion?  And why does this thing keep squealing?"  I eventually figured it out.

So little by little I started learning what all of us in the musical instrument business call, "Musicianese."  One of the hardest things for me to understand was the guitar pedals.  There were literally hundreds of pedals, and they all did different things.  They did, right?  Well, it turns out that wasn't exactly true.

I didn't know what flanger, chorus, echo, or reverb pedals were.  I didn't realize that each company had their own version of those pedals.  I knew what a distortion and/or overdrive pedal was.  So I started playing with those.

There was a pedal in the Sam Ash pedal cabinet that caught my attention.  At the time I couldn't afford the BOSS pedals, but I was digging the DOD series of pedals.  They had one called the Mystic Blues Overdrive.  During my lunch hour I asked to take it out of the case so I could try it out.

It was very different than anything I had heard before.  But let me clarify.  I was playing some pretty heavy music back then so I was trying out pedals that were serious heavy metal pedals.  I knew what fuzz pedals were so I had tried out a few.  But at that point in my life I had never played a Tubescreamer or an overdrive pedal.

So when I plugged in the Mystic Blues pedal it kind of surprised me.  It didn't have near the gain that the DOD Grunge pedal had.  (Note: The DOD Grunge pedal was the first pedal I ever bought.)  The Mystic Blues pedal added just a bit of a bite to my sound.  It really stood out to me.  However, I was playing much heavier music at the time, and didn't really have a use for it.  Still, I always held it in the back of my mind.

So here I am, 22 years later.  I was on E-Bay, and thought about the Mystic Blues pedal.  I found one that was selling for a fair price, so I pulled the trigger on it.  In the last 22 years I can say my playing has vastly improved, but I would have to say that my ears are my strongest musical talent.  I have a knack for tuning and telling the differences in EQ in pickups, amps, and pedals.

I wanted to see what my improved hearing would think about the Mystic Blues Overdrive.  The first thing I thought when I kicked it on was, "Oh my God this thing is bright!"  I immediately turned down the treble.  I also had to bring up the bass.  In the end my settings looked like this.

You know what?  It was still bright.  But then I got to thinking.  Remember this pedal was released in 1998.  Do you know what Sam Ash carried back then?  I know you are going to list all the Fender, Marshall and Mesa Boogie models, but let's be honest.  95% of musicians couldn't afford them.  They bought the other brands that Sam Ash carried.  That would be Crate.

Have you ever played through a 90's solid state Crate amp?  Not just that, but have you played through ANY 80's to 90's solid state POS guitar amp?  They do one of three things.

1.  They sound like a dentist drill.  Bright, annoying, and buzzy.
2.  Muddy.  They sound like a big dog coughing.
3.  They manage to do both.  Be muddy while sounding buzzy.

So what does this have to do with the Mystic Blues Overdrive?  Well, if you put a Mystic Blues Overdrive in front of a muddy amp, it will clean it up while adding bite to the sound.  So you have to remember this was a useful pedal for the time period.

But these days I'm playing through a Genz Benz El Diablo 100 amplifier.  It has more switches and knobs than I know what to do with sometimes.  I can see this pedal being used as a clean boost for solos.  It definitely works as a transparent drive.  The drive knob has a pretty good range.  It goes from, "No drive at all, to kind of a ZZ Top kind of vibe."

I'd have to judge the pedal like this.  As a kid your house looked so big.  Now as an adult if you visit your childhood home it looks so small.  At the time I hadn't heard anything like this pedal.  Today I own something like four Tubescreamer style pedals with this being the fifth.

Against today's pedals the Mystic Blues is an okay pedal.  It's better than some, but there are a lot better Tubescreamer clones out there today.  The TC Electronics El Mocambo Overdrive is a much better pedal for $58 new.  Not to mention it goes on sale quite a bit.  Oh, and you can find plenty of them used.

I'll say this, I'm glad I bought the Mystic Blues.  I'll keep playing with it.  Again, I've only played it through one amp so it might work better with other amps.

For more information about this pedal, check out this link.  It has some great information.

https://en.audiofanzine.com/overdrive-pedal/dod/FX102-Mystic-Blues/

New Guitar Pedal Day: TC Electronics Grand Magus: A Review For New Guitarists

I remember the excitement I felt when I bought my first guitar.  Unlike most guitarists who start with a guitar that resembles a piece of gloried plywood, I actually had a pretty good guitar.  I still have it, and it's still a dang good guitar.

But I also remember the first time I walked into Mars Music and tried to buy strings for that guitar.  Before I purchased it, my guitar had been sitting a long time and the strings were beyond dead.  As a cello player I had the experience to know to put new strings on it.  There was no doubt about that.  I could hear how completely lifeless they were.  Not to mention rusty.

So I walk up to the guitar string counter at Mars Music.  There were over 200 types of strings hanging on the wall.  I ask the salesman "What strings do I need to put on this guitar?"

He said, "He didn't know.  They were all good."

I just looked at him, and thought, "Um, isn't this your job?"

For the record my guitar was/is a 1998 Paragon Music Center (PMC) copy of a Joe Pass hollow-body guitar.  It was built in the same factory as the Epiphones at that time.  It's only difference was the headstock design.  It actually came stock with Epiphone pickups.

So I ask the salesman, "Well, I see the sets come in different sizes.  What size do I need?"

He asked if he could check out my guitar.  I said, "Sure."

He replied, "Yeah, those are 10's on there."

"So I guess I should buy some 10's?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Okay, what brand do you recommend?"

"I dunno."

I started to get a little perturbed.  "I just bought this guitar a few days ago.  I need to put some strings on it.  What should I do?  I don't know jack squat about any of the brands."

So he ended up handing me a pack of GHS 10's.  In some weird way I'm glad he did.  After playing for 20 years I like GHS strings the best.  They have the best bite to them, and they work for my style of playing.

But then a month goes by, and I decide I need a distortion pedal.  Again, I go up to the Mars Music counter, and see hundreds of pedals.  What am I to do?  Where do I start?  This time I asked a different salesman.  Might I say this was also before YouTube and websites that would let you hear what a pedal sounded like before you went to the store.

I tell him what I want, and he says, "Why not try out the DOD Grunge pedal?"  Long story short, I ended up trying it out, and buying it.  I'll say this, it was a good starter pedal.  But also looking back there were much better choices out there.

Now I think of today's new guitarists.  They have ten times the choices that I had!  That goes from guitars, pedals, pickups, amps, picks, cables, mods, etc.  Where does a new guitarist start?  The good news is they have YouTube and guitar forums.  That's a huge help.  I personally have learned a lot about electronics from the internet.

One of the biggest hurdles I had to overcome was music's "marketing language."  You see, a brand can't really say, "This is our take on Marshall's blah, blah, blah."  No, that's trademark infringement.  So companies have these code words they use to describe when their gear has a similar sound to another companies' product.

It goes like this:

American Rock Sound = Fender.
British Rock Sound = Marshall.
California Sound = Mesa Boogie.

When they can't say "Les Paul" or "Les Paul style" guitar, they say, "LP" or "Single Cutaway."
When they can't say "Stratocaster" they say, "Double Cutaway."

If you read study enough and look around the internet you'll start to pick up the lingo.  And why is that important?  Because like I said earlier, todays' musician has more choices than ever before.

When I started the very first distortion pedal everyone usually bought was the Boss DS-1 Distortion.

It's a simple circuit and has been used by many famous guitarists despite being a relatively cheap pedal.  For years you could buy one new for $39.99.  Heck, Kurt Cobain used this pedal on a lot of Nirvana's songs, especially on the their first release "Bleach."  

Today, the pedal market is at an all time high for the sheer number of pedals on the market.  You have the brands that have been there for a while, "Boss, Digitech, and Electro Harmonix."  You have also more custom builders now than there ever has been.  And then you have everyone at every price point in-between.  

Lately TC Electronics has been making some great pedals at a dang good price point.  During a holiday sale two years ago they had a special going at Guitar Center.  Three pedals for $99.  You have to remember back when I bought that DOD Grunge pedal, it cost $54.99 in 1998.  

With inflation think of what that pedal would cost today.  The CPI Inflation Calculator says that would be $87.85 in today's money.  And those were the cheap pedals!  So this leads to the question, "Well, how good can TC Electronics' pedals be if they are that inexpensive?"

To be honest, I have found them shockingly good.  I love their Choka Tremolo pedal.  The Nether Octave is a great octave for it's price point.  The El Mocambo is one of the best Tubescreamer clones I have heard.  I'll say it this way, it works for me.  It may not be for everyone, but it works for me.  

So when I saw that TC Electronic had a pedal called the Grand Magus I was immediately interested.

What surprised me was how many I found on the used market. Unlike a lot of TC Electronics' products this one didn't have as many good reviews.  I listened to a few clips of it on the internet, and was really on the fence about it.  It sold new for $50, and used for $25 plus shipping.  

I ended up pulling the trigger on one, and couldn't wait to plug it in when it arrived.  I immediately loved it.  So what changed my mind?  There are quite a few reasons.  Let me start at the beginning. 

One of the best pieces of advice I can give any beginning metal guitarists, is that, there are two main ways of EQing your amp.  I'm going to keep it overly simple because again, I want to speak to a beginner.  First up is what I'll call, "The Metallica way."  On your EQ knobs you turn up your treble and bass, and turn down or (scoop) the mids.  Dimebag Darrell's signature sound was also like this.

Next up, we have what I'll call, "The Slayer way."  Think of Slayer's song, "Seasons in the Abyss."  That first really heavy cord you hear?  That's mids baby.  Slayer uses what they call the "frowny face" EQ.  They turn town the bass and treble and crank up the mids.  

So the "overly simple" explanation is there are two main EQ's when playing metal.  #1. Scooped mids, or #2. Lots of mids.  Players tend to be in one camp or or the other with no in-between.  The scooped sound is all the rage, but your bass can be lost when playing with an actual bass player.  I'm in the camp that says, "Mids are where the angry lives."

Marshall's sound is known for their full midrange sound.  This is due to their use of EL-34 tubes.  The Grand Magus pedal has a lot of mids.  When you go to the Grand Magus webpage they use every bit of musician lingo to try to let you know this is a Marshall type of sound.

https://www.tcelectronic.com/Categories/Tcelectronic/Guitar/Stompboxes/GRAND-MAGUS-DISTORTION/p/P0CAU#googtrans(en|en)

There are a few reasons I didn't care for the reviews online.  First, recording and making mids sound right is tough.  It tends to come through as buzzy.  Then, when that same clip is played through computer speakers it sounds even worse.  

The other reason I didn't care for the reviews online is for something you wouldn't think of.  The tone control on the Grand Magus pedal is extremely wide.  It's so wide you can get a bad sound out of it.  Think of it this way.  The doom/stoner metal crowd is a big fan of Orange amps.  To me they always sounded muddy with no harmonics, but to each their own.  

Well, the tone control on the Grand Magus is so wide that you can get into that doom/stoner metal territory.  But if you turn the tone control up, you can get that classic Marshall sound.  I also want to give TC Electronic props for having the gain control have such a wide distortion.  You can use this pedal for slight blues breakup to full blown Marshall stack.  One thing you'll learn is a lot of pedals' gain knob maxes out of 12 O'clock.  The Grand Magus makes full use of the gain control.  

I realize I may get a lot of hack on this post.  I'm sure a lot of more experienced musicians will say, "So you think a $25 pedal is good?"  I'm saying I wish when I started it was the first pedal I bought.  It would have been a lot more useful to me than the DOD Grunge.  

And for the record, my "good" pedal is a Hughes and Kettner Tube Factor pedal.  

But I'm not going to tell a new player they should buy a $279 pedal right out of the starting gate.  I'm saying if a new player wants that mid heavy Marshall sound at a decent price, buy a used TC Electronic Grand Magus.  It will be a great decision.  Also if they hate it, they can get their money back on it by selling on Craigslist.  

So to my beginner guitar players.  You have many choices out there.  Remember this.  You vote with your dollars.  That goes for anything in life.  My small amount of advice to you is this.  If I was the salesman at Mars Music, and I had a first time pedal buyer asking me about the first pedal I should buy, it would be the TC Electronic Grand Magus.  (Note: Yes, I realize they didn't exist back in 1998.)  

For those players who say, "No man!  I want that mid-scooped sound!"  Well, you can always buy a Biyang Tonefancier Metal End King.  That will sure scoop the hell out of your mids.

Son of Dog: A Telemarketer And A Madman

I've always said it.  I if a telemarketer calls my house, they are fair game.  In this house I am the hunter and they are the prey.  They called into my property, my lair, my wildlife management area.  If they want to fuck with me, I'm going to fuck with them even harder.

For a while we were getting many scam calls a day.  Almost all of them were from the Philippines.  They would say they were from either: 1. Microsoft.  2. The IRS.  3.  Social Security.  4.  A Law Enforcement Agency.  5.  Apple.  6.  The Cable Company.  7.  One of the major banks, usually Bank of America.

So not only were they telemarketers, they were scammers.  They were trying to steal important personal information for illegal purposes. So guess what?  I'm going to stick it to them without mercy.

After I messed with them, most would tell me, "Fuck you!" and hang up.  However, one time things went completely off the rails.  Every day  I would answer the phone in different accents.  That day I happened to pick a very refined British accent.  That's when "Tom" called from "Microsoft."  I always thought it was funny the spammers were always named, "John, Tom, Robert, or Tim."  That was a dead giveaway.

So "Tom" says (with a strong Filipino accent) that he's with Microsoft, and my computer has been hacked.  He wants to help me fix it.

Me (Again, in a posh British accent):  "Oh my.  That sounds serious."

Tom:  "Are you at your computer now?"

Me:  "You sound like quite a young beautiful man."

Tom:  (Tries to continue with his pitch.)

Me:  "Are you circumcised?"

Tom:  (Somewhat confused because he's not sure what I mean.)  "If you can get to your computer I can help you fix it."

Me:  "Tell me Tom.  Are you a homosexual?"

Tom:  (Silence)  Then, in an extremely angry voice:  "You.... you son of dog!!!!!!!!"  Then he starts screaming in Filipino."

Me:  I can't help but start laughing.

Tom:  "Americans are good people!  You are not good people (sic)!"

Me:  "What are you talking about?  Us Americans voted for Trump!  We want to bomb and kill half the world!  We're not good people at all!"

Tom:  (Screaming a mixture of English and Filipino.)

Me:  "Yeah, we want to kill all the foreigners including you!"

Tom:  "You are not a good people (sic)!"

Me:  "I'm not?  You're the one who's lying saying he's from Microsoft when we both know you're not!  C'mon, just admit it's a scam!  You know it is!"

Tom:  (Still screaming a good amount.  I got to give hit to him.  He's got some powerful lungs.)

Me:  "How about those Filipino ladyboys?  Have you ever gotten to fuck one of them?"

Tom:  (Still yelling.  Honestly, I can't remember the last time in my life I set someone off this badly.)

Finally "Tom" hangs up.  I start laughing for the next ten minutes.  When I finally catch my breath and tell my Dad what happened, he explained a few things.  You see, my Dad is a Vietnam veteran.  He said that one of the worst insults you can tell someone in that Southeast Asia is to call them a "son of dog."

Dad went on to say, "You must have really torqued him off if he went straight to calling you that."

"You know, I started off in my nice British accent.  I really tried to come across all proper-like before the shouting match."  I replied.

You know, I really wish I had recorded that call.  I think Jim Florentine would be proud of me.  That call went to below average to epic in half a second.  That call could have been played on Howard Stern for laughs.

To this day I have to consider that my biggest win when it comes to messing with phone solicitors.  I've had some great ones, but I've never had one that completely blew his top at me.  I mean, with all the screaming and yelling I'm surprised a supervisor didn't come over and grab ahold of him.  Again, he had to remember, if he comes into my territory he's fair game.  Boom.

The Swamp Prank: Playing The Long Game

Let's be honest.  I have a weird sense of humor.  It has gotten me into a bit of trouble over the years.  It has cost me friendships and really pissed a few people off.  Sometimes my humor is so off the wall that it goes over people's heads quite a bit of the time.  I was constantly doing this to Wes, one of my best pals I've had in my lifetime.  I would say something, and then five minutes later he would say, "Wait a minute...  Did you mean....?"  Yeah, I'm sneaky like that.

However, when it comes to pranks, anyone can pull off a quick prank.  Think of it as a "Three Stooges pie in your face" prank.  But it takes a genius to pull off the long game.  This is where two things come into play.  My brain and my sister.  My sister and I have been like two Rottweilers pissing on each other's legs the moment she was born.  Needless to say we've gone back and forth with insults, pranks, etc. over the course of our lifetimes.

About fifteen years ago there was a point of contention concerning where/how I mowed the yard.  We had this place in the yard where the water would flood when it rained.  So barely any grass would grow there.  She ended up planting a bunch of plants with thorns in that part of the yard.

Well, I couldn't get the lawn tractor through that part of the yard without it cutting me to shreds.  It was decided that I should skip mowing that part of the yard.  Namely, since it was swamp-like, and those bushes were trying to take root.  So I ended up calling it my "Sister's Swamp."

One day I noticed she dragged a small log over to her part of the swamp.  I asked her why she did that?  She said it was because she was attaching plants to the log.  These types of plants normally attached themselves to trees in the wild, so that's why she decided to do that.

I asked Dad about it.  I said, "Are we really just going to leave a log lying about in the yard?"  He said it wasn't hurting anything, and besides, it was in her area of the swamp.  That, of course, gave me an idea.  Since we have many enormous oak trees around us, they constantly drop limbs and branches.

So when I would find a log, limb, or branch I would just drag it over to her area of the swamp.  But I didn't do this all at once.  I would only add a branch or two once a week.  Sometimes, I would wait two weeks.  But over the course of a year I built up the swamp full of all sorts of rotted wood.

I'm not kidding.  I literally did this over a year's time.  Heck, it may have gone on for two years?  Just little by little I kept adding to the pile.  You know what?  She never noticed.  Dad would see me working out in the yard.  Of course, I would have to pick up sticks and such before I mowed the lawn.  He would see me drag wood off to the swamp, and just give me that look.

Like I said, I was in this for the long game.  But the game became so long that the brush really started to pile up.  I mean, it really looked like an overgrown forest on that side of the house.  When I returned home from work one day I had a surprise waiting for me.  I saw that Dad had pulled the utility trailer over to the side of the yard and loaded it completely full with all the brush from the swamp.  He then hauled all the brush to the dump.

So I don't know if I can say my prank was successful.  I mean, I did get under the skin of my Dad.  But that's wasn't my intended target.  But I still think it's funny that I kept the prank up for as long as I did.  That takes dedication... and a weird sense of humor.  But it mostly takes loads of dedication.

I searched all my photo albums for pictures of the swamp, but couldn't find any.  I remember snapping them long ago, but I think they ended up being lost as I switched computers over the years.  I really wish I still had those photos.  The swamp just looks hilarious and out of place.  It's like, here you have a nice house.  And over here you have this complete wildlife refuge.

Just look at it this way, when God gives you dead branches, you can put it in the yard waste containers or make a swamp.  I made a swamp.  Or possibly a wildlife management area?  But you know what else I made?  One of my top three pranks ever.  So I feel pretty good about that.

New Guitar Day: Slapa Da' Bass Edition

About a month ago I had a longtime friend of mine decide to clear out some of his old basses.  He's a touring musician, and has collected quite a few instruments.  He told me that he's made a lot of friends across the country, and would pick up instruments at great deals.  But all those great deals were taking up space in the house, so a few had to go.

He posted a photo of a Squier Classic Vibe 60's Jazz Bass, and said he was happy to let it go for $100.  I immediately said, "That's an awesome price.  Someone will snatch that up for sure!"  I would have bought it, but I already had a Dean Juggernaut bass.  That's their version of the Fender Jazz Bass.

But then I got to thinking.  I remembered when the Classic Vibe Jazz Bass series came out.  It was everything I wanted in a bass.  The Olympic white with red tortoiseshell pickguard was the exact color scheme I love in a Fender type guitar/bass.  I also really liked the fact that the neck was a golden vintage tint with a rosewood fretboard.

After about two weeks I messaged my friend, and asked him, "Say, has anyone bought that bass from you yet?"  Shockingly, he said, "No."  When those basses were new they cost $400 plus tax.  $100 was a steal.  So I told him, "I had to have it!  When can I drop by?"

So I dropped in the next day, and handed over the cash.  I wish we could have talked more, but with the Covid-19 craziness happening we had to keep it short.  But it was good to see him, even if for a short time.

I immediately loved the bass.  The set-up was different than how I set up a guitar or bass, but somebody really took the time to make it easily playable.  What has shocked me the most on the entire Squier Classic Vibe series are the pickups.  They have installed some extremely awesome pickups for a guitar or bass at that price point.

Before I go into my tinkering I'll post some photos of her.

I have to say someone had performed a wonder fret-dress on this bass.  It was smooth.  Again, everyone has preferences on how they like their instrument set up.  With this bass I decided to shim under the neck.  This way it would lower the strings from the fifth fret up.

I know I said I loved the pickups, but I still had to tinker with them.  A few weird coincidences happened.  I had a Jerry Sentell Jazz Bass bladed bridge pickup that was going to go into another build.  That build never happened so I've had it laying around for a while.

I also managed to snag a used Seymour Duncan Vintage Jazz Bass neck pickup for a good price.  So I installed both pickups into this bass.  I also used some really thick and strong foam to push the pickups up closer to the strings.  I also changed the strings to my usual GHS Boomers.  I also prefer to install Fleor strap-locks, so I did that as well.

All in all it didn't require too much work on my part.  I cleaned it up a bit with my favorite Ken Smith polish.  I also used a large paintbrush to knock some of the dust away from the bridge saddles, but after that I could call it a day.

I gotta say I'm having fun with it.  I don't play bass that often so it takes me a while to get back into the groove when I pick one up.  Now I just have to find a place to keep it.  Like my friend I'm starting to run out of room here.  Oh well.  Such is the life of musicians.

Cat Craziness Explained: Part 2: Big Cat Craziness

Back in 2014 I wrote this blog post:

Cat Craziness Explained 

Adam Corolla explained what "Cat Craziness" was.  The short version, is that, Adam had a chart to measure how crazy a person was by the number of cats they kept.  He said it wasn't as simple as one cat plus another cat equaled a level of two cat craziness.

No.  Cat craziness was exponential.  Here's a chart to help.

1 Cat = 1 CC.
2 Cats = 2 to the second power (2 X 2) which = 4CC.
3 Cats = 3 to the third power (3 X 3 X 3) which = 27CC.

As you can see, the more cats you have the faster it goes up.  Anything beyond two cats is starting to border on cat craziness.  A month ago comes this show on Netflix called "Tiger King."  Yeah, we've all heard about it.  We've all watched it whether you admit to it or not.

As I was watching "Tiger King" I kept thinking to myself, "What level of cat craziness are you to work around any big cat?  Yeah, you may have a fat housecat at home.  But honestly, what does it top out at?  30 pounds?  Do you know the stats of a Bengal Tiger?

The male tigers can reach a length of 10 feet and a weight of 550 pounds.  Let's stop right there.  That's one hell of an apex predator twice the size of a human.

I realized keeping full grown big cats (tigers, lions, etc.) was a whole new level of craziness.  It now occurred to me I needed to make a few adjustments to my math.  If you are keeping even one tiger the cat craziness level has to start at 100CC per big cat.

But let's talk about Joe Exotic.  He said several times during "Tiger King" he had 277 big cats at his zoo.  Again, that's not 100 X 277 = 27,700CC.  No.  It has to be exponential.  That means 100 to the 277th power.  Let's do that math on that.

      277 (exponent)
100 (base)                 = 1e+554

So you are wondering, "What the hell does that mean?" That's okay because I was wondering, "What the hell does that mean?"

Here's the best explanation:

https://www.mathsisfun.com/numbers/e-eulers-number.html

Okay, I'm not going to pretend that I can come up with a number that gigantic.  Let's just say it's a one with more zeros than I know what to do with on this page.

This reinforces my point that when you start messing with big cats the cat craziness is literally off the charts.  Just watch "Tiger King."  Any and every one of the zoo owners are nuttier than squirrel poo.  I mean, who knew it only took meth and tigers to turn straight boys gay?

So before I go I suggest we all just stick with dogs or fish.  I think they're the pets that keep us the most grounded.  I can't deal with housecats, and there's no way I'm going anywhere near a full grown tiger.  Let's just all have one dog, or one fish tank and call it a day.

And I can't end this post without this song.  Because this song says everything we were all thinking.