One Hump Or Two?

My name is Adrian, and I come from a long line of smartasses.  It's true.  I don't often crack jokes or insult someone, but when I do I get my money's worth.  I also kind of got in trouble at school for a slightly racist joke/insult/comment.  Let me start at the beginning.

In my HVAC class is a man named Ahmed.  He is from Jordan, and speaks with an Jordanian accent.  He also smokes very strong Marlboro Reds.  I have occasionally commented about not being downwind of him when we are outside because his cigarettes are so much stronger than other brands. 

Something else I want I to make sure is known, is that, our class consists of 15 men of various ages.  And like a lot of blue collar, as well as young guys, we constantly rip and insult each other.  Honestly, male humans never outgrow this stage.  Pretty much anything and everything is fair game. 

I mean, even our instructor kids Ahmed about being the "old man" in class, demands to see his AARP card, and rips Ahmed about his balding hair.  Ahmed was in the other HVAC class until he got sick.  So he transferred to ours so he would have enough credit hours to graduate.  Now, he has kidded around with everyone, in both classes, about anything and everything.  I want to make sure this is known so that, when I tell what happened it adds history and context. 

On Wednesday it was near the end of the day, and all but about four guys had wandered off.  Our instructor, Raul, asked where Ahmed was.  Since I am full of pop culture goodness, I said, "Smokin!!!" in the style of Jim Carrey from the movie, "The Mask." 

Now, I know the movie, "The Mask."  Everyone knows the movie, "The Mask."  However, Ahmed is from Jordan.  He doesn't know that I am referencing the movie, "The Mask."  He happened to be around the corner, and thought I was making fun of him. 

So he says, and might I say, in a strong Jordanian/Arabic accent, "My name is Adrian, all's I do is talk guitars, music, and entertainment." 

So I kid with him, and he kids with me.  Is it a day that ends in the letter "Y?"  Yeah, it's par for the course. 

I reply, "Well, I could talk about the fine art of making love to a camel, but I don't know anything about that."

That's when Ahmed lost his shit.  And might I say, his accent only got stronger as he got madder.  He started yelling, "Fuck, fuck, fuck this guy!  Fuck this guy!  Talking about making love to a camel!  Fuck this guy!" 

Now my co-students Gabriel and Fabian started laughing hysterically.  Not so much as what I said, but because of Ahmed's reaction to me.  Ahmed complained to Daniel, and Daniel said, "Oh yeah, Adrian went too far."  Which only made Gabriel and Fabian laugh harder.

Our Instructor, Raul, said, "Yeah, let's not go there."  He was trying to calm the situation down.  I can't blame him.  I know I had pushed some buttons.  So I lay off, and keep my mouth shut.

Ahmed starts telling Daniel that, "He (Ahmed) was balding, but at least he didn't have a stupid thing sticking out of the back of his head."  He was making fun of my hair in a ponytail.  I let it go.

So the day ends, and I let go home with no further incidents.  The next day I arrived to school early, and saw Ahmed on the benches outside.  I walked up to him, and told him I apologized for what I said yesterday.  He told me, "Save your breath.  I don't want to hear it."  I tried to say I was only trying to joke with him, but he then actually walked away from me. 

So I figured he wanted some space, so I gave him some.  I did mention to our Instructor about what happened, and that he probably shouldn't put us together in a study group any time in the near future. 

So it does make it a bit awkward at school.  I just ignore him mostly.  The funny thing is, I never got to ask him one question. 

Does he prefer his camels with one hump?

or two?

The Greatest Insult And A Turn To The Dark Side

Believe it or not, I do my homework before I write a post.  I gather the pictures I want for it.  I look into information relevant to my blog story.  This post was supposed to rather lighthearted and funny in a juvenile way.  However, as I was looking for information, I found something that took this story in a very different direction.  Let me start at the beginning.

This blog post was originally going to be about the greatest insult I ever directed at someone.  It was simply going to be called, "The Greatest Insult I Ever Hurled."  Frankly, it's about this kid that annoyed everyone.  He always had to try be the center of attention even though he was so damn uncool.  He acted tough, but would never throw a punch, even to defend himself.  I have, honestly, never met another person like this in my life.  Even the adults hated this kid. 

Here's a true story.  One adult had heard so much about this kid, that he specifically kept an eye on him when a group of us kids were together, just to see what the other adults and kids were talking about.  He told me that after watching him, he now understood what everyone meant.  Namely that this kid brought trouble upon himself.

Now, if you have noticed by now, I have not used his name or even a fake name.  There is a reason for that.  And you will find out why shortly.  I will just use the designation, "----" instead of his real name.  So here's what happened that lead to the greatest insult.

The year was 1992.  "----" thought he was great at everything.  Music, sports, whatever.  Since he was white, and thought he could rap, he was all about Vanilla Ice a few years previous.  Yes, this Vanilla Ice.

"----" was running his mouth again and said something incredibly stupid. 

Another kid, Mark, asked, "----" have you ever been cool in your life?"

That's when I said, "Oh yes, "----" was cool..... and then Vanilla Ice went out of style."

That's when everyone fell down in laughter for the next minute or two.  The truth is I'm not good at quick comebacks, but this kid made it too easy.  I had heard so much about Vanilla Ice from this kid, that it was like shooting fish in a barrel.  And that's why everyone else thought it was so funny.  They knew exactly what I was talking about.

But what happens to a kid like that?  What becomes of the greatest douche I have ever met?  Well, I looked him up and found that he's a registered sexual offender.  That's right.  He was found guilty of 4th degree felony sexual assault (incapacitated victim.)

I mean, he had a criminal record before that, and I knew about that stuff.  It was minor stuff like driving without a license, giving a false name to an officer, dealing in stolen property.  But he was also found guilty of stalking which is not so minor.  But in looking over all his arrests, it just seems like his behavior has escalated with each arrest.  And I have to wonder all the things he did that he wasn't caught for. 

In the end, I had a lot of mixed feeling on whether I should use his name, a fake name, or initials on this blog.  However, I don't feel like it's my place to play town crier though.  He is listed on the sexual offender website(s.)  So if someone is looking specifically for him, they will find him.  Or if he is in the neighborhood of someone, he will show up in the database.  Frankly, I don't need to add to his misery.  For his entire life he has done nothing but bring misery to himself.  Honestly, he has reaped what he has sewn.

So Gordon Ramsey May Have A Sex Tape...

Oh yes, it is strange thing.  It seems that Gordon Ramsey may have a sex tape, and get this, it's with his mistress, not his wife.  For those who don't know, Gordon Ramsey is the abusive chef from the TV shows Hell's Kitchen and two versions of Kitchen Nightmares.

I personally like Chef Ramsey, but even I think he is over the top sometimes.  But I can't stand behind him having what is reported to be a 7 year long affair with a woman who wrote a how-to book for women to have affairs with married men.  She is kinda hot though.

But let's get into the real meat of the story.  What would a Gordon Ramsey sex tape sound like?  Never mind what it would look like.  What kinds of things would the Chef yell at his sex partner?  This is some of the things I think he would yell.

1.  What the fuck is that?  I've seen better tits on a Thai shemale!!!

2.  You call that a blow job?  I've had better suction from a Hoover vacuum cleaner.

3.  Seriously, you have a boring twat.  I've had more friction from a common potato chip.

4.  Seriously, has any man ever cum from what you call "giving head?"

5.  Try not to use all your teeth on it, will you?

6.  I've heard better moaning from cows.

7.  Is that how you normally put on your makeup, or did you make it a special occasion to look like a French prostitute?

8.  Anal sex with you is exactly what I expected it to be.  Shitty.

9.  Honey, in that leather you do not look like a dominatrix, you look like a retarded gimp.

10.  Why do I feel that your twat has more diseases than the average crack whore?

I have a feeling that a Chef Ramsey sex tape would probably be the most entertaining sex tape out there.  The man is a virtual encyclopedia of insults.  I know he doesn't want it out there, but I gotta admit, I really want to see it.