No One Laughed At My "Sad Keanu" Meme

I like to think I am a funny person.  But every comedian has a joke that falls flat.  I recently had that happen.  What upsets me is I really thought this was "the one."  It turned out to be, "the one that nobody thought was funny.

I was cooking dinner when a thought came to me.  Back when I played high school football we had the cheerleaders screaming behind us the whole game.  I never thought much about it.  But one thing stuck out because it's a saying that all, and I mean ALL, cheerleaders yell at each other.

So here's the meme.

I asked my Dad "Why didn't he like my meme?"

His response, "I didn't get it."

"What do you mean you didn't get it?"

"I didn't get it.  It went over my head."

"Dad you went to every one of my football games.  What did the cheerleaders scream at each other?"

Dad said, "I don't know."

"They always yelled, "We have spirit!  Yes we do!  We've got spirit!  How bout you?"  I replied.

"I never thought of that.  It went completely over my head."

Okay, I realize my sense of humor is out there.  Maybe this joke would be funny to cheerleaders and football players?  Of course, I have to consider the possibility that it's just not funny.  Maybe I'm not as funny as I thought I was.

A Coach's Prayer

About a year ago I was listening to Howard Stern on Sirius XM.  He was playing a clip of a football coach yelling at his team's players.  One of the players on the team secretly recorded the screams, curses, insults, and threats of his football coach.  I think the player had enough of being demeaned game after game and recorded the coach to show people what was going on.

Once the tape hit the media listeners/viewers were aghast.  Many women were shocked that someone would use that kind of language at high school players.  A lot of men responded, "That's exactly the kind of things my coach said to me."  Howard asked his employees that had played high school football their thoughts.  Every one of them said, "Yeah, that's exactly what my coaches said to me.  Exactly."

I played 5A high school football in Tampa, Fl. during the early 90's.  Here's a list of things that were said to me by coaches when I played.

1.  (Wide Receiver's coach)  (Note:  I was an Offensive "Strong Side" Guard.)  "I don't give a fuck about your parents, the school, or any of that shit!  I will fucking MURDER you if you don't move!"

He didn't so much say or yell it at us, but just kind of snarled with spit coming out of his mouth.  And get this.  That day was a rainout!  We were in the gym practicing basic skills.  You know, running, jumping, squats, stretches, and walking through plays.

I honestly, in my heart of hearts, thought the coach was going to take a swing at one of us.  To this day I have no clue as to why he was so pissed off.  It was complete overkill for nothing.

2.  (Defensive Coordinator.)  As you can see my last name is "Long."  He liked to call me, "Shlong."  He was also a former Navy S.E.A.L.  He could be a cruel man.

3.  That same D.C. just lambasted the entire defense at halftime during spring season football.  He used every curse word I knew at the time, and a few I didn't.  I have never heard someone yell so loudly in my life.  Like I said earlier, I was on offense.  He was yelling at the entire defense in the next room, and it felt like he was yelling directly in my ear.

4.  (Linebacker's Coach)  I had the LB's Coach grab my facemask, and twist it.  As in, he was intentionally trying to hurt my neck.  He was mad because I was going after the defensive tackle's knees.  I was told to block a certain way by the Offensive Coaches, and instructed to tell the D Linemen to, "Watch your knees."

I did this before every play where I was supposed to block like that.  I knew it.  The D-Linemen knew it.  Everyone knew it except for this LB's Coach.

Still the LB's Coach really tried to hurt me.  He actually stopped practice to come over, grab my facemask, and yell at me.  Yeah, this happened in front of the entire team.  And when I say "team," I mean the players, coaches, and trainers.

This coach had played for the Pittsburgh Steelers in the 1950's and at one time was the highest paid defensive player in the league.  He admitted he had the, "Old School" attitude when it came to
coaching and playing football.

I told the LB's Coach, as he was twisting my helmet, "Coach Tolley (the Offensive Line Coach) told me to block like that! If you don't like it, you need to talk to him!" He didn't like that, or didn't believe me.

Once play continued, the coaches met up, and informed the LB Coach why I was blocking the way I was.  After about five plays he came up and apologized to me.  Somehow he didn't know about the blocking scheme.  I was still pretty angry about how no other coach stepped in when he was twisting my facemask.

5.  I was huffing and puffing since we were running so many plays in row during practice.  I was just sucking wind when the head coach yelled, "God damnit Tolley (the O-Line coach) is he going to fucking die on me?!!!"  Coach Tolley was the most level headed coach by far.  He just stepped in and calmed the situation down.

So that brings me to my title.  There was one week when Team Chaplin Lane was not able to make it that Friday (game day.)  So our Head Coach took over the inspirational words of the week.  How did it go?  Exactly like you think it would.

He said, "Now you may not believe in Jesus, but you have to admit, it took BALLS to do what he did!  He rode into that city KNOWING that they were going to fucking kill him!  He KNEW they were going to painfully crucify him to death, yet he walked into that battlefield despite the odds being against him!  But you know what?  Despite the odds, three days later he emerged from that cave VICTORIOUS!"

At seventeen years old I had never heard the story of the resurrection put that way.  Actually, I'm sure no one else had either.  The good news, was that regular Team Chaplin Lane was back the next week with a more levelheaded inspirational talk.  He didn't miss a game after that.  He was a real good guy.  However, when it came to that week's game, we lost badly.  But hey.  You win some, you lose some.

How I Would Make Soccer a Better Game

Whether Americans want to admit it or not, soccer is the most followed worldwide sport.  Americans however just can not seem to get interested in it though.  I believe that the rules of soccer have not kept up with the times, and need to be adjusted.  If you look at the sport of hockey, and specifically the NHL, you can see that they have made major changes to the rules over the last 20 years.  For American audiences to get interested in soccer, some rule changes need to take place.

Here's some of the rule changes that I would implement to make soccer a better game.

1.  Expand the roster to 22 players. 

Since there are 11 players on the field, I believe that every one of them should have a backup.  This will go hand in hand with rule change number 2.

2.  Allow unlimited substitutions at anytime, so that players can come in and out of the game.

In soccer, once a player is pulled out of the game, they can't re-enter the game.  Why is that?  When players are forced to stay out there without substitutions a few bad things will happen.  1. Players play beyond their limits, and risk getting hurt/exhausted.  2.  Players fake injuries to take a break.  3.  The game slows down. 

When allowing substitutes, coaches will be allowed to put in different players according to strategy.  If a team is behind, then the coach can pull a defenseman, and put in a more offensive type of player. 

Unlimited substitutions would also increase the amount of offense in a game.  A coach could put one player in for just 5 minutes and let him run crazy around the field trying to score. 

2B.  To clarify, players can substitute at any time like hockey.  A coach does not have to call a time out.  The player coming out of the game crosses the sideline into his bench will give a high five (or a slap) to the player that is substituting him.  They do this on the sideline so that there are not 12 men on the field.  The substituting player can then enter the game. 

But to clarify even further, players can substitute during a timeout. 

3.  Move the offsides line. 

One reason the old NASL (North American Soccer League) did so well in the early days was that they moved the offsides line.  This lead to more scoring, something that American audiences wanted.  However, FIFA came in and bullied the NASL to move the offsides lines back to where they are in the international game.  This then, lead to the decline of the NASL.

4.  Change the overtime rules.

A lot of soccer games go into overtime.  But since the players are usually so tired by the end of the game not much scoring happens in overtime.  I believe that when overtime occurs, two spots from each team will be pulled from the field making it 9 on 9, instead of the usual 11 on 11.  This will open up the field to allow more scoring. 

5.  Penalize the fakers.

If a player fakes an injury for the purpose of trying to get a yellow or red card called on an opponent, that player will serve a one game suspension.  And to make sure this rule is strictly enforced, after the game is played, the film will be reviewed to make sure no player faked an injury. 

This rule goes hand in hand with rule change number two.  A player won't have to fake an injury to take a rest.  He (or she) can come out and have a substitute come in and play.  When that player is rested up enough, they can go back in the game. 

6.  Red Card Ejections

I do believe that players given a red card should be ejected.  However, under my suggested rule changes, that player's team will not lose that spot on the field for the game.  To clarify, when a player gets a red card under the current rules, that team loses the player and the spot.  So that team has to play 10 on 11. 

I would do away with that.  Namely, a lot of teams throw cheap fouls so that other teams will retaliate against them and thus draw a red card.  Once that team is a player down, then the opposing team actually gets around to playing soccer. 

So to clarify, on a red card the team will lose the player, but not the spot on the field.

7.  The Enforcer

This is not a rule change per se, but a change in strategy.  A lot of times coaches will send in a player to take out the other team's star player.  Again, they throw a cheap shot so that the star player will retaliate and get thrown out of the game.  Under the new rule changes I've suggested players can have unlimited substitutions. 

If a coach sees that the other team is sending a player to hurt his star player, he can send in an "enforcer."  It's just like in hockey.  The enforcer goes in, and makes sure the star player is unharmed.  This will do away with a lot of the tickey-tack fouls.  If a guy is out causing trouble, the enforcer will make a "hard foul" and put the joker in his place. 

Conclusion

These rule changes are admittedly proposed to speed up the game, and take out the fake injuries.  I realize that a lot of Europeans would not like these rules due to the style of soccer they play.  However, if soccer is to ever take off in America, I really think that these changes need to take place.