A month ago I had a completely wild experience at my friend Candace's house. She had invited a bunch of her friends over for dinner and to hang around the outdoor fire pit. Candace told me, "I had to meet this friend of hers named Sofia. She was the female me." Well, how could I not meet the female me?
I got to talking to Sofia. She was a lot of fun. She was also half my age, but it didn't seem to matter. We were really getting along well. I can see why Candance wanted us to meet each other.
After dinner all of us ended up sitting around the campfire. Candace had a variety of drinks for everyone. Namely, red wine, mead, beer, whiskey, and cider. Now due to a number of medical conditions I can't drink alcohol, It was Coke Zero for me all the way.
There was this nice married lesbian couple there. Let's call them... Tegan and Sarah. So Tegan breaks out a vape pen. No big deal. I'm just glad it wasn't a cigarette. It was then that a saw Sofia take a drag off of it. That surprised me since she said she really hated cigarettes.
After taking one hit off of it she started coughing badly. It was a complete coughing fit. I asked her why she was taking a hit off of it if she hated tobacco so badly? Guess what? It wasn't tobacco. That's right. Cannabis is now legal in Florida. I hadn't even considered that it might come in a vape pen. But that's when the fun started.
You see, Sofia started tripping... hard. It was then that I learned some new terminology. Trip-Sitting. Here's the Urban Dictionary definition:
Trip Sitter. Noun. Someone who stays sober while another does some form of hallucinogen, in order to keep them from doing something crazy. I.E. Jump out a window or attempt suicide.
Honestly, so much happened so fast. Sofia had only drank half a hard cider. Seriously, about 6 ounces out of 12.
What we found out later is that, she had started taking Lexapro only four days beforehand.
She had mixed Lexapro with alcohol, a big no-no, and then took a hit of cannabis off a vape pen.
That's something you really don't want to do. This kicked off a bad trip and a hilarious series of events.
Okay it wasn't that bad of a trip. It was more like this.
The things that came out of Sofia's mouth were awful, laugh inducing, incoherent, violent, loving, and overall bizarre. Here are the highlights.
The first thing Sofia needed to do was find the ground. Now, normally the ground is underneath your feet, but she needed to be sure. So she laid out flat on her back directly on the lawn.
She also needed people to hold her hands at all times. So I knelt on the ground next to her holding her hand. That's when the barrage of insults started. Things like:
"I don't know you well enough to give a fuck about you."
I sang a line from a Bon Jovi song. I can't remember which one. That's when she told me, "I hope you never used that line on a girl." I told her it was a line from a Bon Jovi song. To which she replied, "I hate Bon Jovi!"
I also sang a line from another song. Again, I can't remember which. She said, "That song is terrible!"
"I'm going to punch you/kick you," was said about 100 times, easily.
"I'm never drinking again!" was also stated about 100 times.
She was having to work to keep her soul inside her body. It kept trying to escape. That's when Sarah (of the lovely lesbian couple) said, "The cannabis is opening your 3rd eye. You are being aware of the universe." So Sofia was working hard on keeping her soul inside her body. I mean, she was really concentrating hard on it.
Sofia's response to her 3rd eye opening was, "I don't want it open! Make it stop! Close it!!!"
Sofia said to me, "You remind me of my brother." (Then whispered) "I hate my brother."
Of course, she had to have two people hold her hands. I took one hand. Tegan (of the lovely, lesbian couple) took the other. Sofia was pretty adamant about us holding her hands. "Hold my hand! Don't let go! Don't leave me!"
More great one liners came out of her mouth such as, "My Mom smokes so much pot. She is totally going to make fun of me." (For not being able to handle her shit.)
It was then that Sofia kept grabbing lawn grass, sticks, dirt, leaves and whatever she could grab, and piled them on top of my hat.
As she was rubbing my face she just then noticed that I have a beard. "Oh! You have a beard!" To which I replied, "Yes, I've had one for a long time." (I mean, I didn't just instantly grow it in the last three minutes.)
She then proceeded to rub my face and beard for quite some time. I told her that "I didn't mind it. In fact, I rather liked it. Namely, since I was half-beagle on my Father's side."
Her response to that was only what I could call, "incoherent babbling."
While she was rubbing my face and beard she reached up and started running her fingers through my hair. She then started crying because, "My hair was so naturally beautiful without any product in it, and it was wasted on a guy!" Note: I do have beautiful hair. But to be honest, I did have some product in it. But Sofia didn't have to know.
For a while she really started to freak out. "I just want it to be over!" In all fairness, she had been tripping for about 2-3 hours at that point. It reminded me of the old time stoners telling newbies, "To just go with the trip. Don't try to fight it."
Talking about kitty cats really calmed her down. But then again, who doesn't love little kitty cats?
Every time she would make one of her threatening remarks I would just respond with, "This is a very intimate, spiritual experience we are sharing. I will remember this for as long as I live."
This of course was met with mixed reactions. I remember Sofia saying, "I hate you. No wait. I'm sorry. I don't want you to think I'm like this. But I hate you."
There was also a lot of, "Fuck you's!" thrown my way. After she had said that for about the 100th time, I said, "Okay, if you really insist..."
She responded, "No! That's not what I meant! I wouldn't have sex with you!" Being the utmost smartass that I am I had to ask, "Why not? I know where the clitoris is!" This, of course, was met with laughs from everyone. It did help that most everyone there was more than a bit inebriated.
Then things took a turn to the dark side. Sofia said, "I want a knife!" This confused/amused me, so I had to ask, "Why?" Sofia said, "I want to stab myself! Right there! (Points to her thigh.)
I had to put my foot down. "No! You're not getting a knife! You're not even getting a fork! You are only allowed a spork from now on."
Every now and then she would "come to," and say, "I don't want you to think I'm like this." Then she would go right back to tripping, and say, "But I do hate you."
Luckily, Sofia's bad trip only lasted a hair over three hours. (Sarcasm.) I could handle the insults. In fact, I found them laugh out loud funny. But my knees and ankles paid the price from kneeling on the ground for all those hours.
You know babysitters get paid well. I really think that I should have gotten some sort of cash payment out of trip-sitting. Although, in all fairness, I did get this kick ass blog post out of the experience. You can't put a price on that kind of experience.
Also, I know Candace was (maybe) trying to set Sofia and I up. It didn't work out that way. But hey, it was a fun evening none the less. Maybe next time around the fire, Sofia will stick to drinking ice water.
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