Damages

I sit here at three in the morning writing this.  Yesterday afternoon I learned that someone I cared about had passed away.  I won't say her name on here due to privacy reasons, but I will call her, "S."  S. was only twenty five years old. 

I honestly feel broken.  I don't know when I became forty one years old.  It just kind of happened.  I don't feel like an adult.  In fact, I'm probably a man-child.  But when I see someone who was just twenty five pass away, it feels like there's no justice in this world.

When reading S's obituary I noticed what was missing, the cause of death.  There was no, "she had been suffering from a long bout of illness."  There was no, "auto accident," or things of that nature.  It was the big thing that we can't talk about.  Such a dirty word isn't it?

I have been going through the five stages of grief.  Mainly, it's been a lot of anger.  Actually, it's been mostly anger while bouncing back every few seconds between all the rest.  A little anger here, over to grief, some more anger, over to depression, anger that makes me want to punch something, take a detour to disbelief, and back again to anger.

Doctors and scientists know about how much physical pain a person can stand.  But I've always wondered about how much mental pain a person can stand?  I'm sure it's different between humans, but just how much mental pain can we stand before we break?

I really wonder about depression.  Just why would humans be cursed with such a thing?  I realize that we are filled with many emotions, but why does depression seem to play such a big part of our emotions?  It almost seems self defeating?  It's like building an automobile with a part you know is going to fail.

Eight years ago I bought a new suit.  My suit that I had since tenth grade didn't exactly fit so well for my now adult body.  In all fairness, my size changed, not my suit.  So I bought this new suit with the hopes of using it for job interviews, jury duty, and weddings.  You know the one thing I've used it for more than anything else?  Funerals.  That's right.  Funerals. 

Once again, I have one more funeral that I will be attending.  I honestly never thought I would end up wearing my suit to this many funerals.  The first time I wore it was for jury duty.  The second time I wore it was for a double funeral/memorial service.  It's just hard to believe I've had to attend this many services.

It's getting to the point I'm almost cursing the suit every time I pull it out of the closet.  Namely because I know what I'll be wearing it for.

I'm going to try to get some sleep now.  Hopefully my brain can manage to rest.  Good night.

(Editor's note:  I am writing the rest of this post on 5/29.)

Last week I attended S.'s memorial service.  I found out something I didn't know.  S. had been suffering from childhood leukemia since she was 12 years old.  Like a lot of cancer patients the medicine is worse than the disease.  I can't imagine all the medicines, and thus, side effects she had to put up with.

So yes, S. died by suicide, but no one can know the pain she was constantly in from both the cancer and the side effects of the treatments.  She was not only in mental pain, but physical pain as well. 

I can hear some folks speaking the old saying, "Due to her circumstances, you can't judge her too harshly."  I don't judge her at all.  I simply miss her.