Tuesday, July 21, 2015

How Do I Woo That Special Gal Without Being Seen As A Stalker?

I suck at girls.  I admit it.  I have no earthly idea how to connect with them.  Trying to learn about girls is like learning math, and then having to play by English language rules.  It just does not make sense.  About six years ago I wrote one of my better blogs entitled, "Everything I Learned About Dating I Learned From The Video Game Fable."

Here it is:


But learning the art of wooing takes more than practice on a video game.  I got out of my last relationship over a year and a half ago.  I've only been on one date since then.  And to be honest, it wasn't the worst, but it was kind of uncomfortable.  It felt more like an interrogation than a date.  I felt a little more shell-shocked than happy.

But let's talk about wooing.

Well, maybe not that kind of wooing....

So there's this gal I've known for a few years.  She's the girl all the bad guys want.  I'll call her "Mary."  (Not her real name.)  I finally got my courage up and decided to ask her out.  But then things started to take a comic turn.

1.  Now I have to find out if Mary is seeing anyone.  I go down to the coffee shop where everyone I know hangs out.  I ask her best friend if Mary is seeing anyone.  He says that there was no one he knew of.

2.  So that's great.  Onto part two.  Now I have to conveniently "bump" into her.  So I go to the coffee shop on a Monday, (that's when everyone is usually there) so I can commence with the "bumping."  But of course, she's not there. 

3.  So I ask her friend (the same one from earlier) if I can get her phone number from him.  He says that Mary is really weird about that sort of thing, and he can't do it.  He does say that I should try her on Facebook IM.  But to be honest, I have tried to write her before, and she never really writes back. 

4.  But I decide to IM her anyway.  I try to be as non-creepy as I can.  I say, "Hey Mary, can I give you a call, or you could call me?  I just want to talk."  She didn't write back.  Admittedly, there's no good way to ask for a number without arousing some suspicion.  So I couldn't blame her.

5.  So two days later I write her.  I say,   "Hey, let's just have some dinner.  I hear they're doing great things with Chipotle these days."

6.  She does write me back.  (Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  She says that too much is going on in her life right now, and she couldn't get involved with anyone right now.  (Oh poo.)

7.  So I write her back, and let her know that the offer is open for a while, and when her life slows down enough, I would love to take her to dinner. 

So that happened.  But now what do I do?  I talked to my friend Nick about it.  Yes, Supervan Nick.  Nick has women throwing themselves at him.  The problem is, he's never really had to work hard at this like I do.  He barely gets words out before women dive right at him. 

But I needed advice, so I explained everything to him.  He said, "You have to woo her, man!"

But what does that mean anymore?  Is it okay to take a peek through her Facebook page?  I mean, we've been Facebook friends for a few years.  Do I bring her chocolate and flowers?  That might a bit over the top. 

Do I happen to stop by her place with a boom box?

No.  No one would agree that's a good idea.

I remember in grade school when "secret admirers where all the rage.

But it's not such a secret anymore is it?  I mean, anything that would happen "from a secret admirer" would immediately be linked to me.  And honestly, I don't want a restraining order filed against me. 

What to do?  What to do?  What to do?  Do I give her space, and wait a few months?  How much asking out is too much?  I guess the best thing to do is get more advice from a few friends.  Like I said, a bunch of us all hang out in the same place, and we all know each other.  So maybe they will have some insight.  But then again, this could all get much weirder, and I'll end up writing a second part to this blog post. 

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