The Amazingly True Story of How Adrian Got His One And Only Wood Duck

The following is the absolute truth.  Something that has not been told until now.  A gigantic white lie has been told in it's place.  That is, until now. 

This story starts years ago.  It's starts with a morning out duck hunting.  Dad and I went to Cockroach Bay, and shot 3 blue and/or green wing teal.  I'm a little fuzzy on the details, but I remember we brought back three teal.

To get home we would take I-75 North to the last Tampa exit which was Fletcher Ave.  As we would drive West on Fletcher Ave we would pass Lettuce Lake Park.  That's where the real story begins. 

You see, Dad and I were talking about all sorts of various things, mostly baseball, the outdoors, and hunting.  Dad was in the middle of a sentence when this happened.  Dad was saying something like, "Blah, blah, blah, AND THAT WAS FUCKING WOOD DUCK!!!!"

He then proceeded to swing the truck into the left lane, and then into a left hand turn lane.  He did all of this in one motion from the right hand lane, mind you, with the truck pulling our duck hunting boat.  He then went back East, and did another U turn.  He drove on the shoulder of the road where he pulled up to a dead wood duck on the side of the road.

As he was driving he proceeded to tell me he saw a wood duck on the side of the road, and it looked like it was in perfect condition.  So I jumped out of the truck with a towel in my hand just in case it was a bloody mess.  I picked it up and it was perfect.  Perfect.  It had amazing colors, and not one feather was missing.  It seems that it lived at the Park, and was either flying/walking near the road when it got hit by a car.  It was stiff, so that meant it was a few hours dead, most probably hit during the early morning.  However, it only had two ants on it, so that let me know that it hadn't been there long.

I brought it up to Dad, and showed him how good a shape the duck was in.  I was very careful with it, and put it into the freezer as soon as I got home.  We wanted to get it mounted, but we had to get Mom's approval as taxidermy is expensive.  So we told her a little white lie.  We had just come back from duck hunting right?  We had three teal, and one wood duck.  We had 4 wood duck decoys right?  So it stood to reason that the Wood Duck went to the Wood Duck decoys, and I shoot it, right?  That makes perfect sense.  So that's what we told Mom.  She was more than happy to okay us getting the duck mounted.

We took it to our world famous taxidermist, Gene Dobbs.  He said of all the Wood Ducks he had seen, that one was the second best one that had come across his desk.  He got it done in a quick amount of time which was nice.  As famous as he was, he always had a backlog of work.  But he decided one day to do every duck he had, as he was getting behind in his work, so the Wood Duck got done early. 

And now for the moment of truth, or should I say, moment of proof.  Here's the pictures of the Wood Duck.

Unfiltered

Note:  No real names will be used in this blog.

I have this friend by the name of "M."  It seems his birthday is coming up.  One of the things he likes to do in his spare time is stand up comedy.  So his girlfriend "Dee Dee" wants all his friends to throw him a roast for his birthday.  For those who don't know, a "roast" is when a bunch of comics get together, and rag on/ make jokes about their friend.  The other thing about a roast is that, the comics also make fun of the other comics/guests at the roast. 

This left me to thinking...  Since I am a friend I would be invited to this roast.  And it also made me think....  I would get to roast M.  And then, I would not only get to roast M, but everyone else.  And thus, the ultimate thought would be that I would get to be completely unfiltered.  And let's be honest, my unfiltered thoughts are much like the pictures in my blog.

Honestly, I am filtering about 80% of my thoughts all the time.  I'd hate to think what would happen if they were unleashed upon an exsuspecting crowd.  Heck, even an expecting crowd would be equally impressed/offended by my stand up.

That's the one thing that Dee Dee didn't think ahead.  As M's girlfriend she would be a main target.  And I gotta admit that I've already got a few jokes in mind.  And that's the funny thing.  I don't have many for M yet, but boy do I have a few zingers for Dee Dee.  In all fairness she gives a comic a lot of ammo.  She's a former stripper/ webcam "model" with 16 tattoos.  And that's not to mention all the rings in her head/tongue, etc.  And then when you actually get to meet her, you can get a whole lot more zingers come to your head. 

The idea is to hold the roast at the independent coffee shop we all go.  This would be a great place to make fun of.  I can make fun of the menu, items, overpriced drinks and things.  I would also be able to make fun of the groups that meet there.  Namely vegetarians, Green Party, and persons going through gender reassignment surgery.  Really, the place is Rush Limbaugh's worst nightmare.

So then I got to thinking, there are other people to make fun of too.  The owner Kay is a lesbian and her partner Mand are a great couple to make fun of.  Mainly because they are quite a bit different from each other.  There would be a great opportunity to make all the power roles in their relationship.  And of course I would get to use the words bulldyke, powerdyke, and fisting.

There's a guy who works part time at the coffee house is an openly gay man named B.M.  I think he kind of likes me in a more than platonic way.  He's a really nice guy, but I'm sure there are quite a few jokes I could tell about him trading me tea for sexual favors.

There is an amazing person that I met at the coffee house.  His name is J. and he was born premature.  He was not supposed to live, but he made it.  He has M.S. but a lot of people think he is retarded.  He's not, but he has the speech impediment, and rough walk that makes people think he is.  Despite all the crap he has endured, he has become an amazing person.  He is also surprisingly gay.  So there is a lot to have fun with except one thing.  He has endured so much ridicule in his life that he can't take a joke or insult, even if that is the norm with a roast.  I would have a few things to razz him about, but only if he wasn't there.

A lot of M's friends come on game night.  One night I was there I heard them arguing over Pokemon facts.  I didn't know them, but I wanted to comment on what total virgins they were.  So that's a definite when holding a roast. 

There's also a woman, I'll call her "S." who hosts a comedy workshop.  She would be a great one to poke fun at.  I already have a good one lined up in that, I'm not sure if she's a lesbian, straight, bi, or just playing hard to get. 

The funny thing is that M is totally against this idea of a roast.  He thinks that a roast is only for people at the height of their genius.  Since he is an amatuer comic he thinks he is undeserving of a roast.  I kinda like the idea since it's an after hours/ only between friends sort of thing.  I hope he goes through with it, but I understand if this doesn't happen.