Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Transformers 5: A No Spoilers Review

Alright, so I know I'm over a month late to see the Transformers movie.  But hey, I have a lot going on.  Plus, I like going when the theater is empty, however, despite there being plenty of empty seats people sat directly in front and behind me.  But I digress. 

So I promised a no spoilers review.  Well, most reviews have to tell you something about the movie.  Well, I'm not going to.  I'm not going to tell you one thing about the movie itself.  What will I write about you ask?  Well read on.

Of the five Michael Bay Transformers movies I'd rank this one second worst.  It's only behind the second one which made very little sense, and had slightly racist robots.  This is what I think happened with this script.

First off, Michael Bay can't be bothered to write his own script.  But, he doesn't exactly want to pay for high quality writing when half the move is explosions.  So, he hires college freshmen (all guys of course) to come up with the main plot and idea of the script. 

They kind of sit around the table trading ideas.


But Michael Bay can only pay them a flat rate plus skank weed.


The instructions are probably to, "Take some shit you learned in your history class, and combine it with the old cartoon episodes of The Transformers."  These freshmen then flesh out the plot and storyline, and turn it over.  To who?  12-14 year old boys.


(Editor's note:  The previous picture was the most G rated picture I could find when I put 12-14 year old boys in the search engine.  Seriously, what is wrong with people?)

Anyway, these boys are then given sugar and instructions to "Go X-TREME!!!"


So the kids come up with the most "radical" dialogue they can.  The plot doesn't matter as long as you switch locations every ten minutes.  Again, no real rhyme or reason is needed.  It just has to move the movie along even if it makes absolutely no sense. 

Once you have that, then you have the usual cast.  Marky Mark, John Turturro, some hot chick, and Hannibal Lecter?  Wait, that can't be right?


How the cold hell did you Anthony Hopkins agree to this?  What sort of money was thrown his way?  But back on track.  Anthony Hopkins was probably so upset by his dialogue that he changed about one-fourth of it.  So he gets to say something intelligent followed by something no one would actually say out loud. 

Next, you throw in some overpriced cars.  Actually, a lot of overpriced cars.


Next, throw in a lot of testosterone and Viagra.


You should also forget some of the main points in Transformers 4: Age of Extinction.  But not Grimlock.  He's in this one.  (Shoot, that might be a spoiler.)


Anyway, two and a half hours later you will be less than thrilled and really have to go to the bathroom.  Actually, I'm surprised they could make a film this dumbed down, and it still only be the second worst of the series.  Go see this if you feel the need to.  Consider this movie reviewed. 

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