Frankly, this blog is about to take a turn to the dark side. This is the song that they will play as I am buried. My life has been a series of bad luck, and most of it due to my own making. Admittedly, I have had some really dumb stuff happen to me, but my attitude has taken even the most average screw-up into dumb shit territory.
I've been fired from pretty much every job I have had. It's tough to work your way up in the world when you have to start all over again every four months. There were times where I could have kept my mouth shut or walked away, but didn't. There were times I overreacted and it cost me dearly.
For almost a decade I was in pain due to a stupid gall bladder. I could've/ should've/ would've had it removed if I only would have known what was wrong with me. All the doctors just treated me like I was a pain med seeking addict. They never tried to due something as simple as an ultrasound. (A family doctor in Chattanooga finally did an ultrasound, and found out my gall bladder looked like a bag of sand.) Heck, I even had X-rays, and they couldn't find anything. Spending a decade in pain, and barely being able to walk sometimes really had an effect on my attitude. But I can't blame it for me being me.
I haven't had many relationships, but I really think that I gave up on them rather than try to work on them. I know it takes two to tango, but I know I could have tried harder. I only have two ex-girlfriends, and they both hate me with a passion.
When you're 20 people understand that you are going to be a jackass. Heck, I think Blink 182 said it best when they said, "Nobody likes you when you're 23." But, in a month I will be pushing 39, and no one really likes it when "an old guy" just doesn't fucking get it. By that age people stop giving you the benefit of the doubt. There is a limit to the amount of bullshit people are willing to put up with, and the older you get, the lower that limit becomes.
Social D. sang in Bad Luck,
Some people like to gamble,
But you always lose.
Well, I'm starting to wonder how long my losing streak will go on. Frankly, there is just so much losing a man can take. There is a famous quote that says, "Be the change you want to see in the world." Yeah, that's nice, but it doesn't really work when you are your own worst enemy.
Some would say I am eccentric, but let's be honest. Only famous people can get away with that. No one would let Lady Gaga come to work in a meat suit if she were pulling an office job 8-5. And let's be honest again, I'm somewhat talented, but not nearly talented enough to be an accepted eccentric.
So what do I do? I'm old and getting older. Lately, I have been trying not to do anything because that takes money, and that's something I don't have a lot of. I realize it comes down to getting a better job, but I don't interview well. And when I'm interviewing against 50 other people I'm not going to be the "winner" of any job competition.
I just wonder if I am reaching the end of my rope here. I can't keep putting life on hold. I'm pretty much at the halfway point of my life, and it's not getting any longer. Something just needs to get adjusted. Something needs to happen.