Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Just What Is That Ciroc Vodka Commercial Trying To Say To Me?

So I faithfully watch Pardon the Interruption and Around the Horn every day on ESPN.  Lately they have been showing this Ciroc Vodka commercial four times an hour every single day during the shows.  It stars this fellow who you might know...

And then.... well, I'll just let you watch the commercial. 

Every day I watch this commercial four times, and until today I have been unsure of what they are trying to sell.  After really examining it today, I have come to this conclusion. 

If you are a young black man, drink this vodka and you will get to hang out with old white men.


Now that I think about it, if you really wanted to hang out with old white men, you could just go down to the local retirement home.  You don't need to shell out money for overpriced boiled potatoes. 

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Satanic Dancing and the Illuminati

It started as a normal day.  It really did.  I was reading my facebook page when I noticed an article put up by a friend of mine.  It seems that Natalie Grant, the winner of the Best Christian Song Grammy, walked out of the Grammies over what she considered Un-Christian-like behavior.

I thought, "Well, that looks interesting," and clicked the link.  Unfortunately, the link did not work.  I thought, "Well, that's okay.  I'll just go to Yahoo."  I put in, "Natalie Grant walks out of the Grammies," into yahoo, and that's where our story gets interesting. 

Maybe I shouldn't have clicked a website called, "Endtimeheadlines."  But let's see what they had to say about Natalie Grant.

Christian Singer Natalie Grant Walks Out on Grammys After ‘Satanic’ Performances

Popular Christian gospel singer Natalie Grant walked out of the Grammys after witnessing a series of performances that even the mainstream entertainment media admitted were occult in nature.  Grant, who was nominated for two Grammys last night, tweeted her excitement upon arriving at the event but soon made it clear that she left early because what she witnessed conflicted with her Christian beliefs, stating, “We left the Grammy’s early. I’ve many thoughts, most of which are probably better left inside my head. But I’ll say this: I’ve never been more honored to sing about Jesus and for Jesus. And I’ve never been more sure of the path I’ve chosen.” Although she remained coy on the exact circumstances, Grant was probably referring to Katy Perry, who was surrounded by demons as she danced around an upside down broomstick before being encircled by fire during a performance of her song “Dark Horse”. Perry wore clothing bearing an illuminated Knights Templar cross. Even E! Online tweeted that Perry’s performance resembled “actual witchcraft”. Christian music website BreatheCast complained that Perry’s performance was “filled with satanic imagery and witchcraft.”

Viewers also expressed their shock at the occult overtones of the show.  However, Grant could also have been offended by the mass gay wedding ceremony which took place during a performance by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. Not to be outdone, Beyonce and Jay-Z attempted to up the ante by performing a risqué duet which provoked fury from parents who complained that the spectacle was too explicit for children. Jay-Z’s acceptance speech, during which he said, “I would like to thank God… a little,” also prompted claims that the rapper was invoking the Illuminati. The International Business Times reacted by claiming that Perry, Beyonce and Jay-Z’s antics were merely an example of the Grammys, “trolling Illuminati conspiracy theorists.” Watch analysis of how the Grammys were yet another ceremony to the entertainment industry’s occult leanings below via Mark Dice. Katy Perry’s best efforts at summoning Beelzebub appear at the end.


Okay, there are so many things going on there, I almost don't know where to start.  First Natalie Grant said that she had a lot of thoughts going on in her head, but did not want to say them.  That's fair.  However, the website did something I thought unfair.  (Well, a number of them, but one at a time.)  It then said, "This is what Grant was probably referring to."  It then referred to this:

1.  Demons.  (Okay.)
2.  Illuminati.  (What?)
3.  "Actual" Witchcraft.  (Actual huh?)
4.  Satanic Imagery and Witchcraft.  (Well now.)
5.  Occult Overtones.  (Same as #4 right?)
6.  Mass Gay Wedding.  (Well, it was pretty gay.)
7.  Risqué Duet.  (It was still better than Lada Gaga dry humping R. Kelly.)
8.  Invoking the Illuminati.  (I thought the Jews ran Hollywood?)
9.  Katy Perry really trying to get Satan to appear on stage.

Again, it's hard to know where to start.  Frankly, I've said it for years, and I'll say it again, if people know what's going to make you jump, they are going to be like Bart Simpson pushing that button again and again for hours.  Hardcore Christians make it too easy. 

Tell people dancing is a sin, you will get this:

You tell people, "Don't you do anything vaguely Satanic with dancing!"  You will get this:

You tell heavy metal/ rock n' roll guys not to do "that."  You are going to get this:

And really, you know why no one takes you (Hardline Christians) seriously?  It's now all about the Illuminati.  It used to be Jews controlled the world/Hollywood/etc., but now it's the Illuminati.  Frankly, who the fuck are the Illuminati?  I mean for a bunch that really doesn't have much marketing on their own, they sure do get a lot of press.

Again, this is how it worked for heavy metal bands in the 80's.  Do whatever torqued off the super, hardline Christians.  That would get you press coverage.  Remember the Filthy 15 from the PMRC?  It didn't make any of those albums sell less.  They sold a heck of a lot more, proving there's no such thing as bad press coverage. 

So this got me to thinking.  I have a side metal project called "Tsunami Death Toll.  I have been out of the metal scene for a while.  But after seeing what is making the hardline Christians mad these days, I am finding out that Satan is so 1987.  I need to update my gig.  Now-a-days it's satanic dancing and the Illuminati. 

Maybe this would be the great start for the cover of the next album?

I can see it now, "Tsunami Death Toll," with the title being "Satanic Dancing With The Illuminati.  That will get me back into the game. 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Cat Craziness Explained

Before I start, I have to admit that I did not discover the truth about cat craziness myself.  I learned it from Adam Corolla when he was on Loveline.  I just want to explain it to younger and further generations so they can understand it. 

When dealing with cat owners you have to come to the realization that they are a certain degree of crazy.  I mean, why would you deal with this?

So here's the math behind cat craziness.  Basically you have to get exponential on the craziness instead of adding it.  For instance:

1 Cat = 1.  So your level of crazy is 1.

2 Cats = 2X2=4.  So with two cats your level of crazy has gone to 4.

3 Cats =  3X3X3=27.  Once you hit three cats you can see the level of crazy is starting to really go up.  27 is a lot of craziness.

4 Cats = 4X4X4X4=256.  At this point it is impossible to have a normal conversation with someone who has reached that level of crazy.

Basically, if you have that many cats, you are kind of doing this:

But the other question I get is, "What about dogs?"

Well, basically it boils down to this.  Dogs are cool.  There's no level of dog craziness.  Yeah, dogs are cool.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Fishy Steak Sauce?

First off, I love to grill.  Like all grillmasters I have a few secret recipes.  A few of these involve Worcestershire sauce.  Namely steak and steak related items.

A friend was over, and I was wondering if he was going to be staying for dinner.  The problem with that is he is severely allergic to MSG.  He will get an immediate headache if any just touches his tongue.  Yes, he is that sensitive. 

So I took a look at my Lea and Perrin's bottle, and was surprised at what I saw.

No, not that side, but the other side of the bottle.  Look under ingredients. 




My steak sauce is in reality, "fish sauce?"  What the?  How did this happen?  What do Phillip J. Fry (from Futurama) think about this? 

I am going to have to re-evaluate my taste buds and what I use in my cooking. 

On a side note, I wonder if Worcestershire sauce is extinct in the year 3000?  Futurama fans will know what I'm talking about. 

On a second side note it seems that I didn't find any MSG in the sauce.