Sunday, February 27, 2011

Scare Tactics

Dec 8, 2009

Current mood:evil
I always thought you could get a true sense of a person if you asked them this question, "If you could appear on any reality TV show, which one would it be?"  For me it would be Scare Tactics.  It really is the perfect show for me since I love pranks.  Actually, I have the perfect prank if I ever made it on the show.  Here's my idea.

My idea is based upon the movie, "A Dirty Shame."  One idea (or gag) that sums up the movie, is that, everyone keeps trying to "one up" each other on different sexual ideas.  While my plan involves no sex, it does involve the idea of seeing just how far my buddy Wes would go to help out his good buddy Adrian.  The joke is that I keep "one-upping" the circumstances of why I am down in Miami to see him.  To help pull off the prank I'm pretty sure I would need the help of his wife, (and also my pal) Kathy.

Step 1.

I show up in Miami in bad shape.  I'm scratched up, and brusied.  The trick is, I have food soluble dye injected just under my skin to show black and blue brusing.

The Question?

Will Wes take in his good ole' buddy ole' pal?  Especially one who has just shown up out of the blue? 

Step 2. 

I have no time to rest.  I urgently say that I need to take a shower.  Then I up the ante' by saying I need my clothes to be burned.  Everything.  So now I have to borrow some clothes from Wes.

The Question?

Will Wes burn all my clothes in a garbage can?  Also, would he let me borrow some of his old underwear?

Step 3. 

I admit to Wes that I have killed a man, and I have him in pieces in the back of my car. 

The Question?

Can he handle it, or will he turn me in?

Step 4. 

(If we get this far.)  I tell him that I am bruised, have hurt ribs, and need his help.

The Question?

Will he drive me to Home Depot so we can buy shovels, lye, flashlights, lanterns, and other supplies for burying a body?

Step 5. 

Now that we have everything, does he know of any good places to bury a body in Miami?  At this point I am seeing if he will take the lead on this, or if he will crumble.

The Question? 

Will he drive out with me to help me bury the body, and dump lye on it out in the woods?

Step 6. 

(Side note:  Do you think he would make it this far?)  Anyway, next comes the truly evil part.  We have the regular actors from Scare Tactics show up as police officers.  They come out to explore the noise, and I tell Wes to hide.  When the two officers come close, I pull my own gun, and shoot them down.  However, I don't kill the second one right away.  I ended up shooting him in the spine, and he can't move.  He begs me not to shoot him. 

The Question? 

How will Wes react to all this?  It's a lot to take in.  Will he stop me from finishing off the officer?  Will he want to help me bury the bodies?  Will he help me hide the police car?  Oh, and we still have to finish burying the body that I originally showed up with.  That's a lot of questions.

Step 7. 

(If we've made it this far)  I would finish burying the bodies, and Wes would drive the police car to some parking lot of a major store.  I would then drive my car, and meet up with him to pick him up.  This would let Wes believe that I actually killed the fake police officers.  

The Question?

We should probably stop now, but I have to ask myself the question, "Can I stretch this uncomfortable situation out anymore?  We go to a 24 hour bar.  Now, I can't drink alcohol, but I think it would be funny to see how much Wes orders.  I would of course be paying... with very large bills.  How drunk will Wes get?  Will he take up smoking again?  Have I just ruined any chance of Wes's sobriety for the rest of his life? 

Step 8.  So I sit and watch Wes get completely tanked.  Then, right as he is ready to pass out, the cops come in with their guns drawn.  That's when I pull my gun out, and a shootout begins.  I end up taking a bullet, and going down.  That's when they get Wes face down, and in handcuffs.  They ask him if he is scared.  He says, well something kinda drunk meaning yes.  They tell him, "Well you shouldn't be.  Because you're on Scare Tactics."

If this thing went all the way as planned, it would make a great episode.  In fact, it wouldn't be just 10 minutes.  No, it would be the whole freak'in episode.

While this is a great prank, I think it shows why most of my friends think I am going to end up in Pagan Hell.  But that's what I think.  What do you think America?
Note:  Kathy had a comment here, but once she left myspace it was removed.
Wes Wittenmyer
I would see through your ruse, string you along telling you 1. I was turned on by this. 2. Do you know where we can go get one for me?
What then? AL...What then indeed.
Adrian So..... I don't get kudos Kathy?

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