Sunday, February 27, 2011

Bear

Dec 22, 2009

I thought of the most perfect idea.  I need a bear suit.  That's right, I want a big giant bear suit to wear around.  Let me explain.

I was once an assistant scoutmaster with the Boy Scouts of America.  I did things like teach young boys valuble lessons, and tried to bring maturity to them.  Afterall they were between 11-13 years old at the time.  I now realize I should have dressed like a bear, and scared the shit out of them. 

In Lake Wales there is a Scout camp called Flaming Arrow.  It is huge.  During summer camp there are usually 35-40 troops there at a time.  I thought it would be funny to run out of the woods at some first year campers in my bear suit and yell, "Arrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!"  People don't understand, in the woods at night you can't see anything.  So even in an extremely bad, and poorly made bear suit, in the heat of the moment young campers would piss themselves.  I may or may not have some of the kids from my troop film the encounter for me.  It's something we all could relish.

And even better, what about young campers around the campfire?  They are singing songs, or talking around the campfire, and then, BAM!  I run out in my bear suit, and run through the middle of camp.  No one knows what is going on.  Kids are freaking out.  Adults aren't sure what to do.

Then I have to take it to the next level.  Like a very evil pervert, I hide in the latrine.  Sure, it smells like shit, but this is... well.  It's art.  I hide in the latrine, and BAM!  Scare the kids coming in to take a dump. 

But my bear suit wearing days don't end with Boy Scouting.  What if I have a daughter?  I could wear it to the Girl Scout camp.  Girls love to squeel.  Can you imagine the fun?

What if my daughter was bad at school?  I would wear my bear suit to her school to talk to her teacher(s).  Parents embarrass their kids by just being there.  I would take her embarrassment to the next level.  I would talk to all her friends while wearing my bear suit.  She'd make sure to never step out of line.

And what about the winter months?  I wouldn't need to turn on the heat.  No, I would just wear my bear suit.

And out trucking?  Well, sometimes I go through very cold states like Wyoming.  I could wear my bear suit, and stay very warm despite the cold weather. 

October?  Well it's the month of Halloween.  I could wear my bear suit the entire month, and no one would think anything of it.  Except the Temple Terrace Police Dept.  Them guys are cocks.

And when I go on nature walks?  I want to wear my bear suit, and feel like I am a part of nature.  That, and if I get a chance to scare the tourists, that would be great. 

Oh, and what about Ybor City?  Well, there's one guy who dresses like a fairy.  One guy dresses like Batman.  So, if I dressed as a bear I'm sure I would get all the chicks.  Wait.  Bear?  I might get all the guys instead.  That might not be a good idea.  Scratch that off the list. 

There are so many endless possibilities.  I really need to get a bear suit.  I got to start checking Ebay this second.

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